{"id":15623,"date":"2018-04-21T14:50:57","date_gmt":"2018-04-21T18:50:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/witchonfire\/?p=15623"},"modified":"2023-09-08T11:24:24","modified_gmt":"2023-09-08T15:24:24","slug":"thieves-fed-flying-monkeys","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/witchonfire\/2018\/04\/thieves-fed-flying-monkeys\/","title":{"rendered":"Shoplifters Will Be Fed to my Flying Monkeys"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Whenever I discover that shoplifters have stolen from my witchy shop<\/a>, I pity the fools. Everyone knows I am a witch. Some locals think I\u2019m a scary<\/em> witch. You might think that reputation would be a deterrent for shoplifting. Alas, not enough. Armed with surveillance camera evidence, I\u2019ve prosecuted shoplifters in court and won. But the legal consequences were the least of their worries. In a spirit of fair play, I\u2019m here to warn you about the perils of cosmic larceny. TL;DR Karma\u2019s a bitch, but only if you\u2019re one first.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"
CC0 Creative Commons \u2013 Pixabay<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

It\u2019s rarely the legit pagans boosting the magickal merchandise. Too often it\u2019s the church-goers who would be so self-sabotaging. Then again, there was that one Pagan Pride Festival where two ritual athame knives were lifted without payment\u2026 Good luck with that magick! <stands back to avoid the lightning strike><\/em> Anyone serving the old gods knows way better than to try to pilfer from witches without a fair energetic exchange.<\/p>\n

What Goes Around, Comes Around<\/h3>\n

So, Karma is a thing\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cKarma<\/strong> is the Hindu view of causality in which good deeds, words, thoughts, and commands lead to beneficial effects for a person, and bad deeds, words, thoughts, and commands lead to harmful effects.\u201d source<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Witches describe a similar \u201cThreefold Law\u201d <\/strong>where we see that our actions in the world, for good or ill, will return to us amplified on all levels: mental, emotional, spiritual, physical. More like Instant Karma. We see that what goes around, comes around, like a giant boomerang: petty theft going out, shit storm of epic proportions coming backatcha. Basically, you smite your own sorry ass.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Lemme illustrate how this cosmic bitch-slap goes down\u2026<\/p>\n

The crime here is how little you think of me.<\/h3>\n

For reasons you might think are justified, you choose to pocket that shiny bauble and walk out of my shop without paying for it. You so desperately seek a cure from the misfortunes of life, and you hope that this chunk of mystical tchotchke will<\/span> be the magic pill to save you. Maybe it could<\/em> help, if used properly. Maybe you think the ends justify the dastardly means to your salvation.<\/p>\n

Hey, it\u2019s all my fault if I\u2019m vulnerable to this exploitation, right? I go and leave 20,000 pocket-sized stones just out in the open, welcoming you to touch them, and make friends with their little sparks of crystal personality. If I didn\u2019t want them stolen, why haven\u2019t I locked them all behind glass?<\/p>\n

Too bad I didn\u2019t stoop to profiling you. Nor did I think to employ a team of goons to stand in every corner and stare at you suspiciously. Those salaries would drive up the cost of these goods beyond the reach of mortal men, by the way. I want you to have access to these lovely things\u2026so I take that risk, and choose to open my doors and my heart to all of you, without bias. It\u2019s a witchy concept called perfect trust<\/em>.<\/p>\n

But what is that worth to you? I\u2019m just the chump behind the counter, all trusting of your decency and shit. If you can make it through those glass doors onto the sidewalk, you think you\u2019ll get away with it. Besides, a small local business owner like me, just trying the make it in the world by working hard, couldn\u2019t possibly need the tiny profit on that $1 green aventurine stone as much as you need to win that next hand of cards. <snark><\/p>\n

\"\"
The Old Gods look after my shop, featuring books by Jason Mankey and Laura Tempest Zakroff and M. Don Schornn<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Witching Surveillance is no joke.<\/h3>\n

Fear not, good shoppers of the world, we have our ways, both magickal and mundane. I\u2019ve got the local beat-cop on speed dial and I\u2019m not afraid to use it. Still, sometimes things slip through the net. <shrug> Yesterday, for about 15 minutes I was swamped at the register with an unexpected flood of customers. Toward the end of the line, a new fellow tells me \u201cthat guy over there just put a bunch of rocks in his pocket and walked out the door.\u201d Another customer gasps, \u201cthat was stupid, there are cameras everywhere.\u201d Those are the least important part of my surveillance system. It\u2019s the magickal wards I erected over the shop that guy should be most worried about.<\/p>\n

In moments like these, I get red-hot angry. Good news is that I am decently inner-managed, so I respond, rather than react. Still, ever see a geyser erupt? That is what a Pisces witch like myself looks like when there is a power surge. I focus that power on my purpose like a water-knife. I don\u2019t need to know your name. I don\u2019t need to know where you live. I don\u2019t even need to know when or what you took, or why. The Universal Intelligence<\/em> within which we are all a interconnected already knows everything.<\/p>\n

Thieves will be Fed to The Flying Monkeys<\/h3>\n

Time and space brush aside and the shop\u2019s flying monkeys<\/em> are on auto-release. Think of this mental construct like Karma\u2019s Little Helpers.<\/em> Why wait until the next life to pay off that energetic debt? Let\u2019s ring that school bell RIGHT NOW and get it absolved quickly.\u00a0 To be clear, I don\u2019t wish this fool harm; I wish him educated, enlightened, elevated. I wish for karmic justice to be served swiftly, so he will not muddy up his life this nefarious way any further.<\/p>\n

Stealing from me is not advisable. This merchandise, these stones, are like my children. I respect them like allies, and they are loyal to me. Unless you make fair and proper exchange for their services\u2013unless you also respect their power\u2013they will never serve you as well as you hope.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t expect to ever see the goods again, and will write off the loss on my taxes and move on with my life. I don\u2019t loose much sleep, and I refuse to become a crotchety, paranoid, fire-breathing dragon hoarding these precious items. There will never be goons breathing down our shopper\u2019s necks or treating them like potential criminals. I\u2019ll close this shop before I succumb to that mania.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m mostly just flabbergasted at the stupidity of any choice to do us the disrespect of thievery. Regardless of how I feel about my losses, it\u2019s going to suck even more for them in the long run.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Stone wall at The Sojourner Whole Earth Provisions<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Justice Served Two Ways<\/h3>\n

1) Return to sender<\/h4>\n

One day we received a little box in the mail. No return address, but the post-office mark was for Raleigh, so it came from somewhere pretty local to us. Inside, haphazardly jumbled, were a few stones, and small dolomite carvings from our \u201cspirit animal\u201d display. Some were poorly fashioned into wire-wrap pendants, that must have been worn a while, judging by the wear of the black cord, and their chipped, neglected state. They were in a fabric pouch I recognized, too. No note. No explanation. But everything was small enough to have been pocketed.<\/p>\n

A little clairvoyant seeking, and I discern that these were stolen from us. The sender considered them \u201ccursed,\u201d and mailed them back in a desperate attempt to correct their wrong doing. I found this utterly amusing, but through that same piercing connection, I absolved them of their crimes, and mentally called off the monkeys. <cackle><\/em><\/p>\n

2) Karma is a Bitch, but Only if You\u2019re One First<\/h4>\n

Another time, someone comes to report to us that they were at a party where a woman was boasting about how easy it was to steal from us\u2013what suckers we were.\u00a0 They took a picture of the shoplifter showing off a jet nugget bracelet and a pendant she\u2019d lifted from a blind corner, and brought the picture to us with a warning. We knew exactly who this thief was. I posted the picture like a \u201cmost wanted\u201d mug shot and waited.<\/p>\n

The same informant came back with a newspaper clipping of the shoplifter\u2019s arrest. Mere days after we learned of her boasting, she was busted at another shop. Again, I find this deeply satisfying, and I didn\u2019t even have to dial the police.<\/p>\n

The Moral of the Story<\/h3>\n

Am I a scary witch? Not really. (Unless you\u2019re an asshole, and then you should probably give me a wide berth.) I think of myself as an Warrior of Divine Love. If you cross my threshold to do me harm, there will be a reckoning. Shoplifters will be fed to my flying monkeys. Running amuck like a renegade asshole, harms YOU worst of all, and I\u2019m here to help you get back onto the righteous path.\u00a0 Tough love, dontcha know.<\/p>\n

Remember, I\u2019m a Witch. Don\u2019t confuse me with a pacifist new-age guru-fluffer<\/em> or a turn the other cheek Jesus take the wheel,<\/em> type. Witches stand in the gap as enforcers of natural balance. I think I\u2019m a good Mama Heron; some days I love you with a kiss, and other days a spanking, but it\u2019s all for your highest good, harming none.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re welcome.<\/p>\n

~Heron<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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