“Natural” Mom Karen Parents Way Better Than You

“Natural” Mom Karen Parents Way Better Than You February 11, 2019
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Social media has created a generation of women that are raising their children as ‘naturally’ as possible. They only use alternative medicine, eat organic foods, never use screens, and practice attachment and gentle parenting. These mothers are constantly pointing out your shortcomings and making ‘normal’ mothers feel bad for their choices.

Their stanch belief in all things natural means they love to shame other mothers for embracing technology, pharmaceuticals, and allowing processed foods in their homes. In the wild west of online, these mothers can be difficult to spot. They are subtly judgmental and condescending.

Sometimes their polite ability to insult you can go unnoticed. Here are four ways to spot a ‘crunchy’ or ‘natural’ sanctimonious mom online.

She’s Obsessed By What Children Eat

Sanctimommy, we will call Karen, is obsessed with what she feeds her children.  Karen exclusively breastfed her kids for the first 54 months of their lives. While other mothers are running out the door and fighting with their kids to tie their shoes, Karen is making organic, free-range, gluten, dye-free, and sugar-free super food for her kids.

She only shops at the most expensive stores to ensure her products are 100% organic and non-GMO. Karen believes GMOs cause cancer and non-organic food contains too many pesticides.

Online she brags that she cooks everything from scratch to ensure her children don’t eat the ‘chemicals’ found in processed foods.

By combing through her favorite books written by Food Babe and google articles, Karen is confident she knows more than a certified dietician. When someone shares a random gripe online about their child’s picky eating or poor diet, she jumps on the opportunity to share her opinion.

She reminds parents to “try harder” to ensure their children eat a balanced diet. Then she shames the parent for allowing ‘junk’ food in their home. Karen also reminds her ‘friends’ that good moms don’t take the ‘easy way out’ and bring fast food into their homes.

She Doesn’t Believe in Modern Medicine

Since Karen is always so busy making her ‘from scratch’ food, she is convinced that nutrition and supplements are the best way to keep a child healthy.

At night, she goes online to read all about the ‘toxins’ and ‘chemicals’ in pharmaceuticals and vaccines.  Through her research, Karen earns her Google M.D. and becomes an authority on alternative health.

After graduating with honors from Google Medical School, she fills her home with homeopathic remedies to treat all ailments. Her go-to for most minor issues is breastmilk. Breastmilk cures all!

Instead of antibiotics for ear infections, she drips garlic oil into her kid’s ears. When her children have a cold, she loads them up on vitamin C and shoves copious amounts of elderberry syrup down their throats.

Her children only see a naturopath, chiropractor, or ‘holistic pediatrician because she refuses to vaccinate. When she was pregnant with her first child, a documentary she watched on Netflix convinced her vaccines caused autism. Netflix also taught her pills are bad, ADHD isn’t real, and the food industry is corrupt.

When her children are in the middle of a medical emergency, Karen always goes online to ask for help. She posts photos of her child’s burns, poops, vomit, and cuts. Her other sanctimonious friends ensure her that her children can be treated naturally.

On her timeline, she shares memes about vaccine dangers and pharmaceutical conspiracies. She uses her time to protect everyone from ‘Big Pharma.’

Her Children Never Use Screens

After Karen finished her medical and nutrition degrees, she started an online psychology program through Google College of Psychology. After three nights of reading online articles, she learned all about the dangers of allowing children to use tablets, phones, and laptops.

As a result, her children never watch any programming or use digital learning apps. Karen’s kids use their time by using their imagination. She makes handmade crafts that she found on Pinterest.

Her children learn woodworking, sewing, painting, calligraphy, and crocheting. With her army of children, she has at least three kids; they make all their own clothes, hats, and mittens.

When they are done with crafts, she starts her homeschool curriculum. Karen would never send her child to public school. She believes public schools kill the imagination and poison her children with ‘worldly thoughts.’ Her homeschool curriculum teaches six different languages, math, alternative health, yoga, and the magical healing of crystals.

By the time her kids are five years old, she goes online to brag about their intelligence. She attributes all of their achievements to not allowing screens in her homes. When other parents post about their children’s struggles, she reminds them that their ‘lazy parenting’ and ‘dependence’ on screens is to blame.

She Practices Attachment/Gentle Parenting

Since Karen is an expert in child development and psychology, her kids never act out or misbehave. Instead, they are allowed to live without rules or boundaries. Her online mommy group told her that children should never cry it out and never be told no.

She practices attachment parenting and never leaves her kid’s sides. At night she shares a king-sized bed with her husband and three gremlin children.

She allows her children to all take turns nursing themselves to sleep. By sleeping with her children every night, the kids never feel scared or unloved. Online she calls mothers that allow their children to sleep alone ‘heartless’ and ‘cruel.’

When her kids aren’t doing crafts or homeschool, she allows them to run free and be ‘kids.’ She has no house rules because they dimish the ‘spirit’ of her child. Karen is very concerned about her children never feeling bad because that would ruin their self-esteem.

With these thoughts in mind, she showers her children with compliments, hugs, kisses, and never, ever raises her voice. Her children are not just her kids; they are her friends. She believes all parents that yell or raise their voices at children are ‘violent’ and ‘out of control.’

Online she scolds any of her friends that jokingly refer to their children as ‘jerks’ or ‘brats.’ She judgementally comments that children should only ever hear non-violent and positive language in their homes. Karen has no sense of humor and doesn’t find jokes about children funny.

What to do when you spot Karen online

When you are sure you have located Karen online, there are a few things you must do to ensure your safety and well-being.

  1.  Do not engage with her polite banter about processed food
  2. Do not open her links – I repeat do not open her links. They will send you down a rabbit hole that may swallow you whole.
  3. Politely decline her offers to help you ‘research’ vaccines and pharmaceuticals
  4. When she offers to bring you bone broth, elderberry syrup, or garlic oil, block, block, block!
  5. If she tells you to cook from scratch and only buy organic, immediately ignore her. Responding to Karen will only fuel her desire to teach you about ‘proper’ nutrition.
  6. When she offers to teach you about the benefits of attachment parenting, run as fast as you can. Like literally, put down your phone and run.
  7. If she tells you about the dangers of screentime, remind her that she’s talking to you on a screen.

Now that you know how to identify Karen and handle her judgemental suggestions, you are prepared to go online. Remember that even though Karen thinks you are a crappy parent, you are doing the best you can. Karen is the one that needs help not you.

*Katie Joy is a columnist and hosts Without A Crystal Ball on Patheos Non-Religious Channel. She writes articles on parenting, disability advocacy, debunking pseudoscience, atheism, and crimes against women and children.

She co-hosts the YouTube show, “The Smoking Nun,” with Kyle Curtis. The show airs weekly and tackles pseudoscience, current events, and crime stories.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Jennny

    That was so funny, and so true. We’ve all met b/feeding mothers who are sure they are sooo superior and gave their babies the best start in life and who probably put down all bottle-feeding mums as bad. My DD was unable to b/feed her 1st baby. Now she walks her children to school, gathering other mums and children as they go. Most of the mums seem to know one another from a local b/feeding support group. On the way home, they pass a bakery, and children pester for, and get an almost saucer-sized cookie to eat on the way. My DD won’t give in to pressure, she wants her 6 and 8yo to have a small healthy snack at 3.30pm and then eat a nutritious meal she will cook for them at 5pm. She says it seems strange that she is the only one of the group concerned that her kids have a healthy diet for the next 15 or so years after the breast milk stage!

  • that’s so funny!

  • valleycat1

    I want whatever it is that Karen takes to be able to tolerate that household 24/7 without ever raising her voice and letting three kids run amok.

  • Big bag of weed, I’m guessing.

  • johnsoncatman

    Organic, Non-GMO, naturally-grown weed.

  • chemical

    First of all, I love the term Sanctimommy.

    When someone shares a random gripe online about their child’s picky eating or poor diet, she jumps on the opportunity to share her opinion.

    My son is 3, and regards all new foods with the same level of suspicion as if they were made by someone who previously attempted to poison him.

    There are two things that kind of run contrary to each other here with this “natural” crap: Getting your kid to eat a healthy diet and not yelling at the kid. You can’t possibly not yell at a kid after you slave over an oven and prepare a nice meal for him and he says “I don’t like it! It’s YUCK!” and he didn’t even taste the damn food. At that point, I seriously doubt that so-called Mommy blogger even has kids in the first place.

  • Lol! She would never admit it! Her kids love Kale, quinoa and avocado

  • Karen uses organic CBD oil that she extracts for the plants she grows in her organic garden

  • Brian Davis

    never use screens

    I read this and wondered what sort of new woo is opposed to window screens.

  • frostysnowman

    I think I’d like to punch Karen in the neck.

  • Defensis Prime

    Yeah, the supplier said so, like, totally.

  • I think that’s a natural reaction. But Karen thinks you need to meditate more to work through those angry feelings

  • Karen doesn’t use a supplier. She grows her own marijuana in her organic backyard garden.

  • Defensis Prime

    Bet Karen kaaaaares about the source of her grass, at least.

  • The Bofa on the Sofa

    Two places in parenting where I will and do act superior:

    1) We vaccinate. On schedule. For everything. Including the flu, every year.
    2) We read to the kids every night from when they were babies. You should, too.

    I realize that not everyone has as much of an opportunity to read to their kids for lack of resources, but please ask. Your local library can help you out, as well as many others. However, in the end, it is just very important to get kids started reading early.

    (BTW, I have volunteered at our kids’ school reading with those who needed additional help, so I do what I can to help support it)

  • Anj Fabian

    Karen will suggest that the proper combination of a healthy diet, supplements, essential oils and yoga will help you with your anger issues.

  • Don’t start that -now Karen is reconsidering her views on screens for windows – cause “heavy metals”

  • Talos2264

    I’ve worked as a chef for about ten years now, and i can tell you one thing. Everything you cook has “chemicals” in it. Secondly i encourage my son to go outside, and play. He also loves to draw, but like me he loves video games, and watching movies. Public school isn’t perfect, but i’m not a teacher, and nether is my wife so he goes to school while we go to work. I also make healthy snacks and dinners as well, but even i can’t resist “junk” food, and maybe one night out of the week we like to go to a near by burger joint and eat. Sharing a bed with children is a great way of warping them, but children need space and a room for them to play and relax in, and lets face it mommy and daddy need some time together without a kid around.

  • No parent should need to announce their superiority. So the fact that you need to announce that here – just shows you are a sanctimommy of another kind.

  • frostysnowman

    That will also help lessen the look of the neck bruises.It’s good advice for both of us!

  • Karen wants you to know that you are doing parenting all ‘wrong’ 😉

  • frostysnowman

    If the mosquitoes can come in at will during the summer, the kids can get malaria from them and have natural immunity.

  • WallofSleep

    Off Topic-ish, but I thought this might be of interest to our kind host:

    Ohio Teen Chooses to Get Vaccinated in Defiance of His Anti-Vaxx Parents: ‘God Knows How I’m Still Alive’

    https://people.com/health/teen-getting-vaccinations-anti-vaxx-parents/

  • I saw this story! It’s awesome!

  • WallofSleep

    Awesome for him, not so much for his younger siblings. Best of luck to them.

  • Brian Davis

    I hadn’t thought about heavy metals. I was thinking it might be something about forcing the air through the screen mesh causing a misalignment of the naturally occurring negative ions.

    With the current trend of putting copper in and on everything I think I could made some serious money selling expensive copper infused window screens. They could “support health and well being” in so many different ways. And if I claim that they contain homeopathic quantities of copper then no one can complain when they find out that they are just ordinary screens containing no copper at all.

  • WallofSleep

    People have been using copper screens for outdoor porches for decades now, so you shouldn’t have any problems finding a cheap supplier.

  • WallofSleep

    Karen sounds like a real “You Know What”.

  • B.A.

    A real PAIN in the you-know-what!

  • Specky

    A good salt lamp will take care of the air.

  • Chris Pert Ⓥ

    “I seriously doubt that so-called Mommy blogger even has kids in the first place.” Great point! I occasionally suspect some of these mommy-bloggers are faking motherhood(among other things), and just keep borrowing their nieces and nephews and neighbors kids to take a million photos to post on social media. I wouldn’t put anything past these people.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    The real concern of window screens is whether they filter out, or concentrate chemtrail agents.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    Luck might come in the form of a big brother role model.

  • GaLd316

    I thought I was just making an observation; it was not intended to be rude or insensitive.

  • ValentineGecko

    And yet they’ll sit there online all day talking about it, which isn’t very natural at all.

  • Oh it’s a conspiracy of a conspiracy!

  • yes, this is a valid concern. The chemtrails are dropping the ChemiKILLZ

  • the article is tongue and cheek. Meaning it’s over the top to help mothers feel like they aren’t jerks for not following what these women do. 😉

  • The Bofa on the Sofa

    Yep

    Vaccinate your kids, folks. And read to them.

  • GaLd316

    Ok, I re-read the article, and I guess I can see what you’re going for. However, your tongue-in-cheek article makes a caricature of all parents who parent outside of the mainstream, not just the ones who shame other parents online.

  • Oh it’s meant to be a caricature of all natural moms. It’s over-exaggerated and funny.

  • GaLd316

    So, if it’s a caricature of all natural mom’s (and not just the extremists who try to shame others into natural parenting), that seems less about saying, “don’t let the Karens get to you, your mainstream parenting choices are just as valid,” and more about saying, “natural parenting (and parents) are silly.”
    If it is more the latter, than that is a judgment.

  • I’m not debating this with you – you clearly have no sense of humor.

  • queerbluenoser

    Avocado is generally tasty, I agree.

    Can’t stand kale, though. Someone at work’s shared kale chips once and I decided to try them even though I don’t like fresh kale.

    I don’t think I’ve ever eaten anything more disgusting.