{"id":113,"date":"2011-12-15T12:27:00","date_gmt":"2011-12-15T12:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2011\/12\/singing-the-down-on-myself-blues\/"},"modified":"2011-12-15T12:27:00","modified_gmt":"2011-12-15T12:27:00","slug":"singing-the-down-on-myself-blues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2011\/12\/singing-the-down-on-myself-blues\/","title":{"rendered":"Singing the Down on Myself Blues"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m feeling sad,\u201d I said to my 13 year old daughter when she asked why I heaved a deep sigh.<\/div>\n
\u201cWhy are you feeling sad?\u201d<\/div>\n
\u201cBecause I feel like a failure as a daughter and a mother.\u201d<\/div>\n
I had just dropped my parents off at the airport.\u00a0 Even though I wanted them to come, even though I miss them terribly when they\u2019re in Hawaii and I\u2019m in Boston, even though a good Chinese daughter should selflessly serve her parents and declare there\u2019s always room for family. . .<\/div>\n
It\u2019s been a tough four weeks.<\/div>\n
You can\u2019t stuff 2 elderly Chinese folks who want ramen and turkey necks for lunch and an outing every afternoon into an already slightly crowded home with a working mom who\u2019s trying to lose 10 pounds during the holidays while her husband works a new job.\u00a0 Not to mention the 3 kids who all have agendas of their own.<\/div>\n
It\u2019s been chaos, with extra doses of shrieking, bad behavior, and frustration\u2014and I\u2019m just talking about me!<\/div>\n
In the bedlam, I get judgmental.\u00a0 I judge my kids, my parents, my husband, but most of all, myself.<\/div>\n
What\u2019s wrong with me?\u00a0 Why can\u2019t I be gracious?\u00a0 Why can\u2019t I be loving?\u00a0 Why do I look like an even more rotten mom than usual when my parents are around to observe?\u00a0 Why can\u2019t I cheerfully serve my parents, husband and kids even if \u201cActs of Service\u201d is so NOT my language of love?<\/div>\n
I can\u2019t stand who I am in the hullabaloo.<\/div>\n
Years ago, I learned that there are 3 ways to think about sin:<\/div>\n
    \n
  1. Breaking the letter of the law\u2014say driving at 31 mph in a 30 mph zone<\/li>\n
  2. Breaking our own conception of ourselves\u2014 i.e. \u201cI\u2019m a kind person, I just did something unkind\u2014how dare I be unkind when I\u2019m not that sort of person?\u201d<\/li>\n
  3. Actually hurting others and damaging relationships.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
    According to the teacher, God really only cares about the last category of sin\u2014hurting and damaging others\u2014but we spend a lot of energy on the first two.<\/div>\n
    Bells went off in my head.<\/div>\n
    I have an overweening addiction to feeling significant, thus I constantly find myself in turmoil and Sin Category 2 because\u00a0of how\u00a0I \u201csin\u201d against my concept of myself.<\/div>\n
    \"\"A spiritual director\u00a0once told me the classic name for my condition is\u00a0pride<\/strong>.\u00a0 I reject that I\u2019m God\u2019s\u00a0beloved daughter in whom He\u2019s well pleased\u2014the gift of Jesus\u2014and rail against God that I\u2019m not who I want to be.<\/div>\n
    Jesus had something to say to folks like me\u2014he called us white-washed tombs with rotting bones inside.\u00a0 Of course, my real challenge is I\u2019m all too aware of the rotting bones inside, and really just wish I could look a little more white-washed on the outside.<\/div>\n
    So here I am again.<\/div>\n
    Why do I care about:<\/div>\n
      \n
    • Behaving like a good filial Chinese daughter more than truly honoring and loving my parents?<\/li>\n
    • Acting like my conception of the ideal mother more than engaging with my kids?<\/li>\n
    • Looking like a successful minister more than ministering so others can flourish?<\/li>\n
    • Gaining weight more than focusing on health?<\/li>\n
    • Checking off that I did spiritual exercises more than experiencing God?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
      My daughter looked a little shocked when I confessed my feelings of failure last night.\u00a0 It felt a little risky since anyone who has teenage daughters knows their favorite pastime is critiquing their moms.<\/div>\n
      \u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re a failure as a daughter or a mother,\u201d she said<\/div>\n
      \u201cReally, why?\u00a0 How don\u2019t I fail?\u201d\u00a0 I was groveling.\u00a0 I wanted to hear something good.<\/div>\n
      \u201cWhat?\u00a0 You want a legitimate reason?\u00a0 I was just trying to make you feel better.\u201d<\/div>\n
      Oh well, that\u2019s something.<\/div>\n
      I guess details don\u2019t really matter because ultimately she knows I love her, she loves me, and in the midst of all the mayhem, love abides and even abounds.\u00a0 \u00a0Just like with my parents.\u00a0 Just like with Jesus.<\/div>\n
      We\u2019re family.\u00a0 We mess up.\u00a0 We\u2019re never who we hope to be and hurt each other as a result, but we keep on loving nevertheless.<\/div>\n
      Lord help me to be satisfied with just that.<\/div>\n
      This was first posted on What She Said<\/i><\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      \u201cI\u2019m feeling sad,\u201d I said to my 13 year old daughter when she asked why I heaved a deep sigh. \u201cWhy are you feeling sad?\u201d \u201cBecause I feel like a failure as a daughter and a mother.\u201d I had just dropped my parents off at the airport.\u00a0 Even though I wanted them to come, even […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1263,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-113","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nSinging the Down on Myself Blues<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u201cI\u2019m feeling sad,\u201d I said to my 13 year old daughter when she asked why I heaved a deep sigh.\u201cWhy are you feeling sad?\u201d\u201cBecause I feel like a failure as a\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, 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