![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.newtimesslo.com\/images\/cms\/sized\/Spring%20Arts-Zip%20Your%20Lips.jpg\" "\\"zip")
Chinese version would be \u201cI criticize you because I love you.\u201d \u00a0So for our Lenten discipline, some friends and I decided to do the Love Dare<\/a> with our husbands.\u00a0 Each day, we were supposed to follow the dare of the day.\u00a0 I got stuck on Day 5<\/p>\nAsk your spouse to tell you three \u2028things that cause him or her to be \u2028uncomfortable or irritated with you.\u2028 \u00a0You must do so without attacking them\u2028 or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I just couldn\u2019t bring myself to ask him these questions for several reasons,<\/p>\n
1) How do you naturally ask \u201cHoney, what 3 things irritate you the most about me?\u201d without him being suspicious?<\/p>\n
2) He and I were both traveling a lot, and who wants to ask a difficult question and then listen to the answer during our daily check-in?<\/p>\n
3) I was a coward.<\/p>\n
Oh well.<\/p>\n
However, Day 1 was challenge enough:<\/p>\n
For \u2028the next day, resolve to demonstrate\u2028 patience and to say nothing negative\u2028 to your spouse at all. If the temptation \u2028arises, choose not to say anything. It\u2019s \u2028better to hold your tongue than to say \u2028something you\u2019ll regret.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
It\u2019s hard enough to hold my tongue for a day, turns out the Day 1 challenge lasts the whole darn 40 days.\u00a0 Forget Days 6-40, practicing Day 1 was enough of a Lenten discipline, something my spiritual director recognized. \u00a0She said I didn\u2019t need any other Lenten discipline.<\/p>\n
So how did I do and what did I learn?<\/p>\n
1.\u00a0 Hard, hard, hard.<\/strong>\u00a0 Not as hard to refrain from saying negative things in general, but hard as all get out to say nothing negative if I felt criticized or attacked.\u00a0 Everything in me wants to defend myself to the hilt (my reaction to Chinese loving parenting), and defending myself also often involves getting in some punches.\u00a0 For years my friends have challenged me to stop defending myself, and for years I\u2019ve been incapable.\u00a0 However, resolving to say nothing negative means it\u2019s pretty hard to engage in familiar patterns.<\/p>\n
2.\u00a0 Zip up<\/strong>.\u00a0 Every time I felt like saying anything, I just zipped.\u00a0 My former spiritual director used to mime zipping her lips as her responsibility in spiritual direction.\u00a0 I literally imagined zipping my lips multiple times<\/p>\n
3. \u00a0Zip. \u00a0Even if I\u2019m co-dependent<\/strong>. \u00a0I felt most tempted to say something when I thought Scott was engaging in habits that aren\u2019t healthy. \u00a0But it\u2019s not like I haven\u2019t said those things before, and my nagging hasn\u2019t changed him. \u00a0The challenge became to pray rather than criticize.<\/p>\n
4. \u00a0Relative success.<\/strong>\u00a0 I did pretty well.\u00a0 Some negative things did cross my lips\u2014sometimes not about him, but about someone he cared about\u2014and each time it didn\u2019t go well, reinforcing how much zipping was helping overall.<\/p>\n
Turns out, this discipline was probably the perfect discipline not only for Lent, but going through the trauma of Scott losing a parent.\u00a0 There were times I was tempted to whine, but zipped instead. \u00a0 Our marriage became much more enjoyable when I lessened the negativity.<\/p>\n
The strange thing about giving up a \u201csin\u201d for Lent, is that on Easter I couldn\u2019t celebrate by letting loose.\u00a0 In fact, I think the whole point is to pray that I\u2019m transformed instead.\u00a0 They say it takes 6 weeks to form a new habit\u2014exactly the time frame of Lent.\u00a0 So maybe the power that raised Jesus will also change me.<\/p>\n
Until then, I\u2019ll keep on imagining zipping my lips.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I gave up criticizing my husband for Lent–here’s how it went.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":189,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[50,51,9,53,52],"class_list":["post-413","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-criticism","tag-easter","tag-lent","tag-self-control","tag-zip-your-lips"],"yoast_head":"\n
Zip My Lips<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I gave up criticizing my husband for Lent--here's how it went.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Zip My Lips\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I gave up criticizing my husband for Lent--here's how it went.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Wordy Nerdy\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-04-02T13:32:47+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-04-02T15:53:51+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.newtimesslo.com\/images\/cms\/sized\/Spring%20Arts-Zip%20Your%20Lips.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Kathy Tuan-Maclean\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Kathy Tuan-Maclean\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/\",\"name\":\"Zip My Lips\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2013-04-02T13:32:47+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-04-02T15:53:51+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#\/schema\/person\/23e53cd002ff6883e366c69cffd3d3f0\"},\"description\":\"I gave up criticizing my husband for Lent--here's how it went.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Zip My Lips\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/\",\"name\":\"Wordy Nerdy\",\"description\":\"Musings on faith, motherhood and thriving in our multi-cultural modern world\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#\/schema\/person\/23e53cd002ff6883e366c69cffd3d3f0\",\"name\":\"Kathy Tuan-Maclean\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/e59901f3c782954c3787365f4eda7acc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/e59901f3c782954c3787365f4eda7acc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Kathy Tuan-Maclean\"},\"description\":\"Kathy Tuan-MacLean is the mother of 2 teens, 1 \u201ctween\u201d and wife to one husband. In her free time, she also serves as the Area Director for InterVarsity\u2019s Graduate & Faculty Ministries in Boston and blogs for What She Said and at http:\/\/plumbingdemons.blogspot.com\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/author\/kathytuan\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Zip My Lips","description":"I gave up criticizing my husband for Lent--here's how it went.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Zip My Lips","og_description":"I gave up criticizing my husband for Lent--here's how it went.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/","og_site_name":"Wordy Nerdy","article_published_time":"2013-04-02T13:32:47+00:00","article_modified_time":"2013-04-02T15:53:51+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.newtimesslo.com\/images\/cms\/sized\/Spring%20Arts-Zip%20Your%20Lips.jpg"}],"author":"Kathy Tuan-Maclean","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Kathy Tuan-Maclean","Est. reading time":"3 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/","name":"Zip My Lips","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#website"},"datePublished":"2013-04-02T13:32:47+00:00","dateModified":"2013-04-02T15:53:51+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#\/schema\/person\/23e53cd002ff6883e366c69cffd3d3f0"},"description":"I gave up criticizing my husband for Lent--here's how it went.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/04\/zip-my-lips\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Zip My Lips"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/","name":"Wordy Nerdy","description":"Musings on faith, motherhood and thriving in our multi-cultural modern world","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#\/schema\/person\/23e53cd002ff6883e366c69cffd3d3f0","name":"Kathy Tuan-Maclean","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/e59901f3c782954c3787365f4eda7acc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/e59901f3c782954c3787365f4eda7acc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Kathy Tuan-Maclean"},"description":"Kathy Tuan-MacLean is the mother of 2 teens, 1 \u201ctween\u201d and wife to one husband. In her free time, she also serves as the Area Director for InterVarsity\u2019s Graduate & Faculty Ministries in Boston and blogs for What She Said and at http:\/\/plumbingdemons.blogspot.com","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/author\/kathytuan\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/413","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/189"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=413"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/413\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=413"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=413"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=413"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}