{"id":613,"date":"2013-07-24T14:23:43","date_gmt":"2013-07-24T18:23:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/?p=613"},"modified":"2013-07-24T14:25:34","modified_gmt":"2013-07-24T18:25:34","slug":"oldest-siblings-and-the-problem-of-privilege","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wordynerdy\/2013\/07\/oldest-siblings-and-the-problem-of-privilege\/","title":{"rendered":"Oldest Siblings and the Problem of Privilege"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"Siblings\"<\/a>
The sibling hierarchy in our family. Ice cream kept them from each others\u2019 throats<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

Did you know oldest siblings can be jerks?\u00a0 Neither did I.\u00a0 Because I am an oldest sibling and never saw myself as jerk-like.<\/p>\n

Yet I\u2019m surrounded by younger sibling friends who regale me with tales of just how selfish, self-centered, and just plain mean their older siblings can be.\u00a0 And the more I hear their stories, the more I recognize myself.<\/p>\n

Shoot.<\/p>\n

I also went from being the oldest sibling in my family to marrying a youngest sibling.\u00a0 Turns out when you\u2019re the spouse of the least powerful person in the family, you not only join him in powerlessness, you\u2019re a step or three lower.\u00a0 Going from the top of the pecking order to the bottom has been a real treat.<\/p>\n

Not.<\/p>\n

As the oldest in my family, I had a lot of voice.\u00a0 Every day after school I regaled my mother and younger siblings with all the adventures of my day.\u00a0 I basically talked for 15 minutes straight, and then in the years of the terrible-forced-upon-Tuan-paper-route-which-ruined-high-school (another story), regaled them with my tales for another hour and a half.<\/p>\n

My parents asked my opinion.\u00a0 They confided in me.\u00a0 I even broke up fights between Mama and my sisters, telling Mama she was wrong and continuing their fights while they went to sob in other rooms.<\/p>\n

Although my younger siblings have all revolted against my hegemony and to this day delight in poking fun at me and showing their own oomph\u2014it\u2019s taken hearing the stories of my friends\u2019 and husband to see how I privileged I was as the oldest.\u00a0 How much power I wielded, and as a result how much jerk-dom I generated.<\/p>\n

So the first problem with privilege is that when we have it, we rarely recognize it.\u00a0 It\u2019s like the air we breathe\u2014we\u2019re used to having people listen, and we\u2019re used to having folks jump when we ask them to, and because that\u2019s the world order, we don\u2019t realize the resentment or pain of those beneath us, we don\u2019t even realize we acted like jerks.<\/p>\n

Yet we\u2019re acutely aware when we lack privilege or power\u2014we see the injustice, we feel the powerlessness, we hear how rarely our voices join the conversation.<\/p>\n

The second problem with privilege is that even when we know we have it, we don\u2019t know how to make things better. \u00a0I\u2019m about as privileged a person there is in this world.\u00a0 Sure I\u2019ve got 2 victim points\u2014female and Asian\u2014but I\u2019ve got almost every other privilege point there is, including being raised by loving if slightly wacky parents and having siblings who\u2019ve forgiven my jerkdom and still love me. \u00a0I can\u2019t actually give up much of the social capital that\u2019s been poured into me\u2013my education, my networks, my relatively healthy body that ate a lot of healthy food growing up.<\/p>\n

But there\u2019s one thing I can do\u2013I can listen to the stories of the less privileged.<\/p>\n

After the Zimmerman verdict, an African-American colleague sent me a series of posts by Dr. Christena Cleveland, a social psychologist, on \u201cListening Well as a Person of Privilege.\u201d<\/p>\n

They were great.\u00a0 And convicting.\u00a0 I learned a lot. \u00a0And I\u2019m going to try to listen better.<\/p>\n

I suspect most who read this blog are folks of privilege. \u00a0\u00a0So friends and readers, I invite you to own your own privilege, read these posts, and reflect on how you can become a good listener.\u00a0 After all, as our country plunges again into a conversation on race it\u2019d be nice if someone actually listened\u2014especially us oldest sibs who\u2019re used to doing all the talking. . .<\/p>\n

Recognize that the rules are different for you<\/a><\/p>\n

Solidarity first, collaborative problem-solving later<\/a><\/p>\n

Communicate on their terms, not your own<\/a><\/p>\n

Recognize the limitations of good intentions<\/a><\/p>\n

Seek to understand and embrace anger<\/a><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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