{"id":1718,"date":"2013-02-08T10:26:32","date_gmt":"2013-02-08T17:26:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wrestlingwithyourself\/?p=1718"},"modified":"2013-02-08T10:26:32","modified_gmt":"2013-02-08T17:26:32","slug":"caged-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wrestlingwithyourself\/2013\/02\/caged-up\/","title":{"rendered":"Caged Up!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Caged Up!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

For many years I was lost and confused,<\/p>\n

Fused by guilt and fear,<\/p>\n

Panic, my breath would tighten,<\/p>\n

So many thoughts overwhelmed my mind at any given time<\/p>\n

I looked for guidance out there,<\/p>\n

So many ideas, thoughts, delusion<\/p>\n

Many kind people along the path,<\/p>\n

Many dark hearts,<\/p>\n

Vicious minds,<\/p>\n

Cold-blooded survivors,<\/p>\n

Strangers could help me more,<\/p>\n

Because I was a stranger to my own soul,<\/p>\n

Many nights I anxiously thought about this life,<\/p>\n

Wondering out loud about death from this experience,<\/p>\n

Or continue to live in this experience,<\/p>\n

I was caged, caged up,<\/p>\n

Who did the caging?<\/p>\n

Spiritual people claimed I did- I caused this-<\/p>\n

I hated that answer,<\/p>\n

Humans complained that it was their fault, out there<\/p>\n

Those people-<\/p>\n

Them<\/p>\n

They<\/p>\n

Others<\/p>\n

Partners<\/p>\n

Family<\/p>\n

Priests<\/p>\n

Ministers<\/p>\n

God<\/p>\n

Education<\/p>\n

Conditioning<\/p>\n

That made me feel powerless<\/p>\n

Many books, workshops,<\/p>\n

All offering a solution<\/p>\n

Why do I feel caged?<\/p>\n

Who has caged me?<\/p>\n

Thoughts,<\/p>\n

What can I fix?<\/p>\n

Years searching, seeking<\/p>\n

For what?<\/p>\n

The path,<\/p>\n

So one night-<\/p>\n

Scared, tired of other people<\/p>\n

Sick of reading, listening to speakers,<\/p>\n

Tired of meditation, prayer<\/p>\n

Views,<\/p>\n

Judgments,<\/p>\n

Condemnation<\/p>\n

Lies<\/p>\n

Cheats<\/p>\n

Hate<\/p>\n

Sick to the very bone<\/p>\n

Sick of telling myself that I was unworthy, not good enough<\/p>\n

Tired of this violence to my self<\/p>\n

Tired of being spiritual, being human<\/p>\n

Tired of following commandments of a God that seemed far away<\/p>\n

Tired of questions- little annoying quests with no end<\/p>\n

Just tired<\/p>\n

I opened the window to let in cool air<\/p>\n

Standing there in my\u00a0pajamas<\/p>\n

My cat stretching her body<\/p>\n

Feeling the cold air<\/p>\n

So cool against my skin<\/p>\n

Not knowing<\/p>\n

What was next?<\/p>\n

I asked, \u201cWhat was next?\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence<\/p>\n

My breath got really slow,<\/p>\n

Then like a train running out of control<\/p>\n

Everything came forward<\/p>\n

Tears, uncontrollable tears,<\/p>\n

Laughter,<\/p>\n

Here I was cracking up<\/p>\n

Losing the battle within<\/p>\n

A battle I had been fighting tooth and nail-<\/p>\n

Now I was losing,<\/p>\n

The place I was more scared of was<\/p>\n

The one cracking open<\/p>\n

Busting at its seems<\/p>\n

Now-<\/p>\n

I could no longer fight two battles anymore<\/p>\n

It was tiring,<\/p>\n

I could no longer be positive, because it was masking negative,<\/p>\n

I could no longer affirm,<\/p>\n

Pray like I used too!<\/p>\n

Become anything-<\/p>\n

I could no longer act like I was something<\/p>\n

I could no longer fit in<\/p>\n

I was tired of cards, energy, and questions<\/p>\n

There has to be an answer<\/p>\n

Why was I so consumed by these thoughts, questions, finding an answer?<\/p>\n

Fitting in,<\/p>\n

I hate rules!! I hate people trying to control me, bringing their violence to me,<\/p>\n

Hurt people hurting people<\/p>\n

And there it was\u2026<\/p>\n

For so long I had run from it,<\/p>\n

Put a mask on it<\/p>\n

Denied it-<\/p>\n

And here it was looking me in the face<\/p>\n

Eating at me like tooth decay<\/p>\n

Hurting<\/p>\n

So much pain,<\/p>\n

Like a bull rider<\/p>\n

I looked at it<\/p>\n

And said lets go<\/p>\n

\u201cI am ready\u201d<\/p>\n

That hate took off- it showed me all the places it had taken me<\/p>\n

Relationships, people, jobs, travel; it was with me all the time<\/p>\n

Eating away-<\/p>\n

A shadow<\/p>\n

Maybe<\/p>\n

The hate in me,<\/p>\n

So violent<\/p>\n

I have been so violent with myself<\/p>\n

I have been so violent<\/p>\n

Tears starting up<\/p>\n

There are not many paths home,<\/p>\n

There is one<\/p>\n

The hate had images, pictures, and concepts attached<\/p>\n

It carried with it a friend<\/p>\n

Pain, they worked hand in hand<\/p>\n

I sat down on the sofa,<\/p>\n

Feeling the question wanting to come up,<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do I-I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Questions are doing-<\/p>\n

What am I doing?<\/p>\n

Not being here-<\/p>\n

Where am I going?<\/p>\n

To die<\/p>\n

When?<\/p>\n

Now<\/p>\n

I took a breath-<\/p>\n

The breath was slow<\/p>\n

I could feel the hate and pain<\/p>\n

And I didn\u2019t run<\/p>\n

I had no place to go<\/p>\n

Such violence to myself<\/p>\n

Then the room<\/p>\n

Became quiet<\/p>\n

Tears still rolling down my face<\/p>\n

Quietness<\/p>\n

That is how it felt,<\/p>\n

Like quiet<\/p>\n

From the quiet I heard,<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is nothing, and nothing to fear\u201d<\/p>\n

So I sat in quiet,<\/p>\n

In the quiet of my soul<\/p>\n

It felt like I was wrapped in a wonderful warm feeling<\/p>\n

I had scared myself for so long- with hate<\/p>\n

Now<\/p>\n

I<\/p>\n

Was safe<\/p>\n

Finally safe<\/p>\n

$\"\"$ <\/a>David Matthew Brown<\/strong> is the author of the critically acclaimed book entitled, \u201cTHE BOOK OF LIGHT: THE HEART OPENING\u201d. He is a poet, speaker, coach with athletes, celebrities, and actors.\u00a0 He is a single Dad who has a beautiful daughter.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Get the book for only $9.95 here: The Book Of Light: The Heart Opening<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cDavid has given us a rare gift, he has created an exquisite compendium of the Soul. This beautiful book is filled with such wisdom teachings, that like the rays of the dawning sun, it will light your life with such grace, that you will feel these rays of splendor moving you to tears and laughter in one holy instant. This work takes us deep into the seams of the soul, and we are in eternal thanks to you David!\u201d
\nSTEWART PEARCE Legendary Sound Healer and Angel Medium<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI heard David Matthew Brown speak one day in a small church in Burbank. I understand he devotes significant time to doing this. He is a fine inspirational speaker and he exudes a genuine quality refreshing to behold. So, I wasn\u2019t surprised to see the same attributes present in his writing. The maxims about light in the first chapter grabbed me right off the bat. As an author myself and one who has done much research and contemplation on the information contained in both visible and spiritual light, I knew right away that Mr. Brown spoke from the heart with experience, not just from the head with concepts. But he goes further in describing metaphors about how best to convey our knowledge and stories of truth to others, an important topic, for realizations unshared never live up to their true potential. A great, accessible book of wisdom sayings to stimulate higher thought and feeling. You should really experience it!\u201d ~ Peter Canova, Scholar of Gnosticism and bestselling author of Pope Annalisa<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

From the quiet I heard,<\/p>\n

“There is nothing, and nothing to fear”<\/p>\n

So I sat in quiet,<\/p>\n

In the quiet of my soul<\/p>\n

It felt like I was wrapped in a wonderful warm feeling<\/p>\n

I had scared myself for so long- with hate<\/p>\n

Now<\/p>\n

I<\/p>\n

Was safe<\/p>\n