{"id":1753,"date":"2013-02-26T14:28:40","date_gmt":"2013-02-26T21:28:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wrestlingwithyourself\/?p=1753"},"modified":"2013-02-26T14:28:40","modified_gmt":"2013-02-26T21:28:40","slug":"in-the-knowing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wrestlingwithyourself\/2013\/02\/in-the-knowing\/","title":{"rendered":"In The Knowing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\u00a0<\/p>\n

IN THE KNOWING<\/p>\n

By David Matthew Brown<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Closing my eyes<\/p>\n

For a restful night\u2019s sleep,<\/p>\n

My wife\u2019s body<\/p>\n

Cuddled in a s-shape,<\/p>\n

Our cats sleep<\/p>\n

All around the bed<\/p>\n

Nestled in the gaps<\/p>\n

Like little heating<\/p>\n

Pads of light and fur,<\/p>\n

The wind pours through<\/p>\n

Our window<\/p>\n

Cooling down the unlit<\/p>\n

Room<\/p>\n

I release my toes<\/p>\n

Allowing tension to melt away<\/p>\n

My belly softens<\/p>\n

While expanding to its fullness<\/p>\n

I put my hand on my wife\u2019s hip<\/p>\n

One last glance at the clock<\/p>\n

That glows back<\/p>\n

10:20pm<\/p>\n

My hearing left on its<\/p>\n

Own<\/p>\n

Listens to the wind-<\/p>\n

Finally<\/p>\n

I go within<\/p>\n

And tune into my breath<\/p>\n

Oh my sweet my<\/p>\n

breath<\/p>\n

In<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

Out<\/p>\n

I<\/p>\n

N<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

O<\/p>\n

U<\/p>\n

T<\/p>\n

IN<\/p>\n

A<\/p>\n

N<\/p>\n

D<\/p>\n

O<\/p>\n

U<\/p>\n

T<\/p>\n

Deep sleep<\/p>\n

I find my self in a car<\/p>\n

Going down a bridge<\/p>\n

Gripping the steering wheel<\/p>\n

But I am not driving<\/p>\n

Fog everywhere<\/p>\n

Cars screaming past me<\/p>\n

They are moving fast<\/p>\n

Now the bridge is moving<\/p>\n

Am<\/p>\n

I moving?<\/p>\n

No it is the bridge<\/p>\n

I am looking down-<\/p>\n

Then up<\/p>\n

To my amazement<\/p>\n

I let go of the steering wheel and<\/p>\n

The car disappears<\/p>\n

Poof<\/p>\n

I am flying<\/p>\n

This feeling invigorates my pores<\/p>\n

My soul<\/p>\n

Trust soars throughout me<\/p>\n

My dream<\/p>\n

I<\/p>\n

Am<\/p>\n

Free<\/p>\n

Alive<\/p>\n

Dancing in the sky<\/p>\n

Throwing my hands up in celebration<\/p>\n

Moving my feet in circles of glee<\/p>\n

My breath is dancing with excitement<\/p>\n

Like someone in love<\/p>\n

I find myself gliding along the ocean<\/p>\n

Telling myself<\/p>\n

\u201cBoy this feels good!\u201d<\/p>\n

And with those words<\/p>\n

I fall to the sand below<\/p>\n

Skidding, like a water ski along the water<\/p>\n

Feeling<\/p>\n

The morsels of sand all over my body<\/p>\n

I pick my face up out of the grains<\/p>\n

To my discovery<\/p>\n

To my endless delight<\/p>\n

Others are on this beach<\/p>\n

My curiosity picks up-<\/p>\n

Who are they?<\/p>\n

Who am I?<\/p>\n

Did they fly here too?<\/p>\n

But I am scared to talk<\/p>\n

I close my eyes<\/p>\n

The sensations in my body feel new,<\/p>\n

So I check in with my breath<\/p>\n

Feeling<\/p>\n

In<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

Out<\/p>\n

Just like the waves outside me<\/p>\n

Swoosh in<\/p>\n

Swoosh out<\/p>\n

My breath follows<\/p>\n

In hale<\/p>\n

Ex hale<\/p>\n

Birds chirp<\/p>\n

Each one adding a new song<\/p>\n

Like natures orchestra<\/p>\n

Suddenly<\/p>\n

A small hand touches my shoulder<\/p>\n

Startled-<\/p>\n

I open my eyes<\/p>\n

To reveal<\/p>\n

A small blue-eyed, red-haired, pale skinned,<\/p>\n

Girl<\/p>\n

She is laughing<\/p>\n

A question arises<\/p>\n

Inside of me<\/p>\n

Unspoken<\/p>\n

Are you the unborn in my life?<\/p>\n

The one my wife and I are expecting?<\/p>\n

This girl looks familiar<\/p>\n

She continues laughing<\/p>\n

I ask, \u201dWhat are you laughing at?\u201d<\/p>\n

She says, \u201c You\u201d.<\/p>\n

She responds, \u201cYou are so serious.\u201d<\/p>\n

And sticks her tongue out mocking me<\/p>\n

\u201cI am meditating!\u201d trying to stand up for myself,<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, on what?\u201d she smiles devilishly,<\/p>\n

I respond with a token answer, \u201cPeace, love, joy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes\u201d<\/p>\n

I stutter<\/p>\n

She responds with a wicked knowing, \u201cYou are already that.\u201d<\/p>\n

I explain, \u201cI have these problems\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat problems?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell we are expecting and we need a home, money, you<\/p>\n

know having a child\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

She laughs<\/p>\n

\u201cThis\u201d as she opens her arms<\/p>\n

\u2026Is a dream\u201d-<\/p>\n

She laughs<\/p>\n

I respond cautiously, \u201cRight\u201d.<\/p>\n

She extends her hand,<\/p>\n

\u201cMy name is Julia!\u201d<\/p>\n

It means what ever I want it to mean-<\/p>\n

Insecurely, \u201cI am David.\u201d<\/p>\n

She laughs,<\/p>\n

\u201cLike the king,<\/p>\n

Remember,<\/p>\n

A young king named David<\/p>\n

Whirled a rock in a sling<\/p>\n

Taking down a giant<\/p>\n

Named Goliath.\u201d<\/p>\n

I acknowledge the reference,<\/p>\n

\u201cDavid and Goliath\u201d<\/p>\n

Julia dances in place-<\/p>\n

\u201cLets play!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cClose your eyes, go on close them,<\/p>\n

Focus on your heart<\/p>\n

And lungs<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

Breathe<\/p>\n

I<\/p>\n

N<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

Out<\/p>\n

In<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

O<\/p>\n

U<\/p>\n

T<\/p>\n

Slowly<\/p>\n

In and out<\/p>\n

Now<\/p>\n

Remember a time<\/p>\n

That problem didn\u2019t exist<\/p>\n

Just<\/p>\n

Remember<\/p>\n

Feel what<\/p>\n

That feels<\/p>\n

Like<\/p>\n

This is your dream<\/p>\n

Know you have a choice<\/p>\n

Nervous laughter<\/p>\n

Listen to your breath<\/p>\n

In and out<\/p>\n

And now<\/p>\n

The oceans breathe<\/p>\n

Swoosh<\/p>\n

Allow it to speak to you<\/p>\n

Say nothing back<\/p>\n

Remember your thoughts<\/p>\n

Are distracting you<\/p>\n

From going deeper<\/p>\n

Here we only deal in truth<\/p>\n

Supreme intelligence is the truth<\/p>\n

In and out<\/p>\n

Swoosh<\/p>\n

Just remember<\/p>\n

You are the ocean<\/p>\n

The birds<\/p>\n

The sand<\/p>\n

Me<\/p>\n

The sky<\/p>\n

The atmosphere<\/p>\n

Your breath is you<\/p>\n

Allow it to take over<\/p>\n

As you breath<\/p>\n

Know-<\/p>\n

Know with every breath<\/p>\n

You are spirit<\/p>\n

Light<\/p>\n

All in all<\/p>\n

Now listen to the ocean<\/p>\n

What does it tell you?<\/p>\n

Swoosh<\/p>\n

S<\/p>\n

W<\/p>\n

O<\/p>\n

S<\/p>\n

H<\/p>\n

Julia\u2019s voice suddenly disappeared<\/p>\n

I was deep in oneness<\/p>\n

I was the ocean<\/p>\n

It was all around me and through me<\/p>\n

It was magical<\/p>\n

And glorious<\/p>\n

Beautiful and alive<\/p>\n

Sublime<\/p>\n

Colors of the rainbow shot from me<\/p>\n

Mesmerizing<\/p>\n

Delightful<\/p>\n

I felt like I found home<\/p>\n

Truth<\/p>\n

This is the part that<\/p>\n

Hasn\u2019t been hurt or harmed<\/p>\n

I was in the atmosphere dancing<\/p>\n

A voice appeared<\/p>\n

Different from Julia\u2019s<\/p>\n

Earthy<\/p>\n

Powerful<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are it<\/p>\n

Itself<\/p>\n

All ever-present light-<\/p>\n

Awake my son\u201d<\/p>\n

My breath felt like<\/p>\n

The deep ocean<\/p>\n

I went back to it<\/p>\n

In<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

Out<\/p>\n

I opened my eyes<\/p>\n

Discovering Julia<\/p>\n

Sitting cross-legged<\/p>\n

In tall green grass<\/p>\n

Among the valley<\/p>\n

Filled with tulips,<\/p>\n

In all different colors- yellow, blue, orange,<\/p>\n

Roses that were deep red, white, purple,<\/p>\n

Stargazers<\/p>\n

The smell of nectar filled the air<\/p>\n

Honey dripped from the trees<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere am I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAppearance is never what it seems\u201d<\/p>\n

She pointed to the air<\/p>\n

Revealing a planet<\/p>\n

In the distance-<\/p>\n

\u201cMother earth they call it.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was on fire,<\/p>\n

Smoking,<\/p>\n

Burning up,<\/p>\n

Crying,<\/p>\n

I could hear it scream in pain<\/p>\n

Like the moments in my life<\/p>\n

Her soothing voice changed,<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could you do this? This is what happens when you<\/p>\n

focus on your thoughts? You are stuck in how things look,<\/p>\n

how they appear in physical form. That is not the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMe?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you have been so selfish!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMe, what about everyone else?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust like a human, pass blame, seeing what you want to see-<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t you see-<\/p>\n

You are everyone-<\/p>\n

And everyone is you<\/p>\n

Stop being foolish-<\/p>\n

Proclaiming God gave you this place to destroy-<\/p>\n

It loves you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I stood there frozen<\/p>\n

In disbelief<\/p>\n

A chill ran down my spine<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat have I done?\u201d<\/p>\n

Thoughts poured through my mind<\/p>\n

Being stuck in my petty problems<\/p>\n

I neglected who I am-<\/p>\n

She said,<\/p>\n

\u201cBy changing yourself<\/p>\n

You change the world<\/p>\n

Stop blaming the world\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

A huge weight of pain filled my body,<\/p>\n

Tears flooded my eyes,<\/p>\n

\u201cSee what blame does-<\/p>\n

It takes it off of you<\/p>\n

And gives it back to you<\/p>\n

But six times worse<\/p>\n

You are so distracted<\/p>\n

You fail to see<\/p>\n

All that you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

My breath began to speed up<\/p>\n

Julia walked over to me<\/p>\n

Putting her hand on my<\/p>\n

Heart<\/p>\n

Gently she said,<\/p>\n

\u201cShhhhh\u201d<\/p>\n

That reminded me of the ocean,<\/p>\n

That sound<\/p>\n

\u201cSwoosh\u201d<\/p>\n

Julia repeated,<\/p>\n

\u201cShhhhhh\u201d<\/p>\n

Then I heard,<\/p>\n

\u201cSwoosh\u201d<\/p>\n

She softly spoke,<\/p>\n

\u201cSome dreams are nightmares,<\/p>\n

Most people<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t feel enough<\/p>\n

They truly believe they are not enough<\/p>\n

That is a nightmare<\/p>\n

Do you see-<\/p>\n

I am you<\/p>\n

You are me-<\/p>\n

Life is all<\/p>\n

It is here for you<\/p>\n

Stay in truth<\/p>\n

Know there is a divine plan<\/p>\n

This universe knows what to do-<\/p>\n

You are not breathing-<\/p>\n

Something is breathing you-<\/p>\n

But what?<\/p>\n

Breathe\u201d.<\/p>\n

This time I had to trust in my breath<\/p>\n

I had to let go of controlling my breath<\/p>\n

Who am I trying to control?<\/p>\n

What am I resisting?<\/p>\n

Life.<\/p>\n

Julia said softly, \u201cThe kingdom and the power and the glory is<\/p>\n

yours, now and forever and ever, Amen\u201d<\/p>\n

Look what is happening.<\/p>\n

Julia continued,<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are people changing themselves,<\/p>\n

Not for them,<\/p>\n

But for the world,<\/p>\n

Stop feeling powerless,<\/p>\n

Stop feeling unworthy of who you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

My eyes closed<\/p>\n

I began to breath<\/p>\n

In<\/p>\n

And<\/p>\n

Out<\/p>\n

Suddenly I felt my butt warming up<\/p>\n

I jumped up<\/p>\n

And danced around<\/p>\n

That is hot<\/p>\n

I looked around<\/p>\n

And found myself in the desert<\/p>\n

Julia stood there waiting<\/p>\n

She looked up<\/p>\n

\u201cSee how vast<\/p>\n

We are and yet how small<\/p>\n

Your pettiness is\u2026<\/p>\n

She pointed up<\/p>\n

I looked<\/p>\n

There sat mother earth<\/p>\n

Green, glorious, alive<\/p>\n

I said,<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u2019<\/p>\n

Julia said,<\/p>\n

\u201cYou!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy am I in the desert?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor all beginnings<\/p>\n

Start here, in nothingness,<\/p>\n

The desert<\/p>\n

I must leave you<\/p>\n

I will see you soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do I get out?\u201d<\/p>\n

Start that way-<\/p>\n

And so I began<\/p>\n

Walking alone in the desert<\/p>\n

Pondering this vast energy<\/p>\n

My connection<\/p>\n

On this path seemed to<\/p>\n

Go longer than I could imagine<\/p>\n

My mouth was dry<\/p>\n

And my eyes burned<\/p>\n

Every breath was like fire in my lungs<\/p>\n

Looking off to the distance<\/p>\n

I saw a door marked<\/p>\n

\u201cExit\u201d<\/p>\n

So I entered,<\/p>\n

It was like a fun house inside<\/p>\n

Everywhere I went I<\/p>\n

Saw me<\/p>\n

Mirrors and more mirrors<\/p>\n

Hundreds of me<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t find the door to leave<\/p>\n

There I was in different disguises<\/p>\n

Outfits<\/p>\n

Dresses, pants, beards,<\/p>\n

And so on\u2026<\/p>\n

It was driving me crazy<\/p>\n

Hours and hours of looking at myself<\/p>\n

And staring at me<\/p>\n

Me<\/p>\n

And more me<\/p>\n

But each appearance showing not just me the masks<\/p>\n

Of everyone in my life and everyone I have ever met<\/p>\n

Oh my God<\/p>\n

Let me go!<\/p>\n

Help me-<\/p>\n

Laughter is everywhere<\/p>\n

And suddenly a film of my life started showing<\/p>\n

Just like the thoughts that talk to me all day long<\/p>\n

It was driving me crazy<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t find my breath<\/p>\n

Asthma kicks in and my old doctor<\/p>\n

Is trying to put a needle in my heart so I run and<\/p>\n

I see me playing sports,<\/p>\n

Being teased,<\/p>\n

In fights,<\/p>\n

Struggling,<\/p>\n

Alone,<\/p>\n

Fears,<\/p>\n

I find myself screaming in pain-<\/p>\n

A voice sounding like Julia\u2019s \u2013<\/p>\n

\u201cListen to my voice\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJulia I can\u2019t take this\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have a choice\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHelp me\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHelp yourself\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI AM SCARED OF THE UNKNOWN\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy, you are a king!\u201d<\/p>\n

I take a deep breath<\/p>\n

Looking myself in the eyes-<\/p>\n

I just start forgiving myself<\/p>\n

One character at a time-<\/p>\n

And when they would fall to dust another would appear<\/p>\n

Endlessly forgiving,<\/p>\n

Until finally there was one<\/p>\n

Everything was silent<\/p>\n

And I looked at myself<\/p>\n

Now older and cried<\/p>\n

Realizing all the stuff I had to let go<\/p>\n

And I said,<\/p>\n

\u201cI forgive you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nothing,<\/p>\n

I just stood there looking at myself,<\/p>\n

\u201cDavid I forgive you<\/p>\n

Go forth and be king!\u201d<\/p>\n

Silence<\/p>\n

I began to here classical music,<\/p>\n

It sounded like a radio.<\/p>\n

Julia laughed and yelled from a distance-<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have a choice\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes I know\u201d<\/p>\n

I felt light as a feather,<\/p>\n

I turned over and recognized my beautiful wife,<\/p>\n

Her eyes are so radiant and kind-<\/p>\n

Still half a sleep I heard,<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you choose?\u201d<\/p>\n

I said to myself quietly,<\/p>\n

\u201cTo be king.\u201d<\/p>\n

I gently kissed my wife\u2019s soft lips,<\/p>\n

Knowing nothing would be the same,<\/p>\n

Knowing I would never go back,<\/p>\n

Knowing I would be king.<\/p>\n

I AM.<\/p>\n

Silence<\/p>\n

$\"\"$ <\/a>David Matthew Brown, is a contributor to Patheos. He is a inspiring speaker, author of, \u201cThe Book Of Light: The Heart Opening\u201d, and sees clients one on one as a Practitioner of Joy.\u00a0 David delights in the light of the presence. He encourages others in sessions, and guides people back to their innate joy.\u00a0 To set up a session with David, email him: semjase64@gmail.com<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"