{"id":39074,"date":"2016-08-04T10:56:28","date_gmt":"2016-08-04T16:56:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/wwjtd\/?p=39074"},"modified":"2016-08-04T11:18:19","modified_gmt":"2016-08-04T17:18:19","slug":"three-reasons-you-shouldnt-masturbate-courtesy-of-youth-pastor-no-fun","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/wwjtd\/2016\/08\/three-reasons-you-shouldnt-masturbate-courtesy-of-youth-pastor-no-fun\/","title":{"rendered":"Three reasons you shouldn’t masturbate, courtesy of Youth Pastor No-Fun."},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

My brother sent me this video from the youtube channel pornsexturbatio<\/a>n which is, inexplicably, not a joke:<\/p>\n

<\/iframe><\/p>\nI was going to make a response to this, but\u2026<\/p>\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/g_zA-R_-jhc?rel=0\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\nDear FSM, I\u2019ve hit the blogger mother lode. \u00a0This is the stuff for which the phrase, \u201cWTF?\u201d was created. \u00a0Seriously, videos like this scream, \u201cGod is all-wise, but just doesn\u2019t know how to be taken seriously!\u201d<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cHey all, I was just thinking about masturbation.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nNot sex with your wife? \u00a0Heathen.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cYou may refer to it as waxing the carrot or petting the snake.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nI prefer clearing the snorkel.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cYou cannot separate masturbation and lust.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nYup, lust\u00a0an itch and sex\/masturbation is how you scratch it. \u00a0It literally has no downside to scratch, but also scratching the metaphorical itch is\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/blog\/stress-and-sex\/201401\/touchy-subject-the-health-benefits-masturbation\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">directly correlated to better mental health<\/a>. \u00a0Mosquito bites should be so kind.<\/p>\nI know, I know, god imbued us with lust and then made it a sin to indulge it. \u00a0God gives us these instincts, and then what does he do? \u00a0He\u2026<\/p>\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/khXtUd0TEO8?rel=0\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\nOne can only wonder why god gave us lust this way if he didn\u2019t want us to indulge it. \u00a0This is like pushing somebody toward a swimming pool and blaming them if they fall in, all while saying that wasn\u2019t ever what you wanted.<\/p>\nWouldn\u2019t it have been easy to make lust a switch that turns on once married? \u00a0Why give us an itch we can\u2019t scratch starting at around 13? \u00a0That seems akin to hitting somebody in the head with a hammer, dropping them in a roof full Ibuprofen, and telling them they can\u2019t have any or you\u2019ll burn them forever.<\/p>\n\u201cBut Mr. Hammer Person, is there any inherent harm to me for eating one of these Ibuprofen which will clearly make me feel better?\u201d<\/p>\n\u201cNope. \u00a0But you\u2019re still going to endure the pain. \u00a0Also I love you and want what\u2019s best for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cJesus said any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nCan\u2019t commit adultery if you\u2019re single or if you have your wife\u2019s permission. \u00a0#BestLoopholeSinceAnalSex! Get wrecked, Jesus.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cAnd then he says if your right hand causes you to sin you should cut it off.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nMasturbating? \u00a0That\u2019s a sin and is bad for your life. \u00a0Cutting off your hand for the crime of feeling good? \u00a0Sound advice from the lord.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cWe\u2019re supposed to put lust to death.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nYeah, and in the meantime you can just choose to stop feeling hungry. \u00a0Let me know how that goes.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cMasturbation is a selfish act.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nWhich is also why you should never watch TV, shoot hoops, or eat by yourself. \u00a0Any time you have fun by yourself, it\u2019s selfish.<\/p>\nAlso, do it with friends. #AnotherLoophole<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cSex is more than just a way to get pleasure.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nFor some people. \u00a0For others (hi), that\u2019s exactly what it is. #NoBabiesInThisHouse<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cWhen you masturbate you\u2019re using a sexual function just to get pleasure.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\u201cJust\u201d to get pleasure? \u00a0What\u2019s so wrong about that? \u00a0I like pleasure. \u00a0My life is better the more pleasure I pack into it. \u00a0You\u2019re explaining how to get what I want in life. #BadSalesman<\/p>\nAnd since I don\u2019t want kids (and masturbation isn\u2019t going to produce them anyway), for what else am I supposed to use a sexual act? \u00a0It\u2019s not like polishing acoustics is going to get my lawn mowed.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cIf you look at sex this way you\u2019re probably not going to be very good at it when you get married.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nNot everybody gets married, but many of them still don\u2019t want blue balls.<\/p>\nAlso, the day I let somebody who probably takes the passages about virginity until marriage as well as having sex with a single person their whole life seriously tell me how to augment my performance in the sack is the day I turn to vegans for a new bacon recipe.<\/p>\nWhen I try to think of people who are\u00a0probably god-tier at sex, those\u00a0afraid to masturbate are not exactly at the top of my list. \u00a0It\u2019s not like sexual acumen requires knowing your own body or anything, right? \u00a0If only the bible prohibited making pretensions to knowledge a person couldn\u2019t possibly have as fervently as it prohibited masturbation.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cWhat if sex is about making your wife feel good.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nSo, um, dude\u2026do you know what a symbiotic relationship is? \u00a0It turns out that sex can be about making both people feel good at the same time. \u00a0You don\u2019t have to choose. \u00a0Sex isn\u2019t an act where it\u2019s one person or the other feeling good.<\/p>\nBut go on, tell me how to not be bad at it. \u00a0Please redeem me with your bountiful knowledge of the subject that totally exceeds the beating-you-in-the-face obvious.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cWhen you masturbate you\u2019re only practicing making yourself feel good.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nAnd if a sexual partner isn\u2019t readily available, that\u2019s as good as it gets. \u00a0Oh, you mean if nobody\u2019s around who is willing to indulge you physically (and marry you), then you should just be miserable or not feel as good as you otherwise could? \u00a0Gee, thanks god.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cIf you want to be good at sex you have to be unselfish.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nIsn\u2019t trying to dictate other people\u2019s sex lives pretty selfish?<\/p>\nAlso, some people struggle to get off unless they\u2019re doing it with their own hand. \u00a0Some people get the most pleasure out of using their own hand. \u00a0So in order to be good at sex, some people have to masturbate. \u00a0Blame god, he made it that way.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cInstead of masturbating, take time to serve people.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nThey\u2019re not mutually exclusive.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cHi, roommate. \u00a0I just folded your laundry instead of masturbating.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nIf my roommate said that to me, I\u2019d probably say, \u201cThat\u2019s really sweet of you. \u00a0But, are you horny as shit? \u00a0Well, here are some kleenex. \u00a0There\u2019s 24 hours in the day. \u00a0Go take care of business and I\u2019ll see you back downstairs in a few minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cHey, I just cleaned your car instead of masturbating.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\u2026he says while handing what appears to be a pair of manacles to what appears to be a teenage boy.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cI could be masturbating right now, but I decided to volunteer at the homeless shelter instead.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nIf masturbation is what\u2019s preventing you from volunteering at a homeless shelter, the problem is you.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cMasturbation becomes an idol.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nFrom <a href=\"http:\/\/www.dictionary.com\/browse\/idol\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">dictionary.com<\/a>:<\/p>\n<blockquote>Idol, noun \u2014 an<\/span> image<\/span> or<\/span> other<\/span> material<\/span> object<\/span> representing<\/span> a<\/span> deity<\/span> to<\/span> which\u00a0<\/span>religious<\/span> worship<\/span> is<\/span> addressed.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\nMasturbation is immaterial. \u00a0It\u2019s an act. \u00a0It literally cannot be an idol, which is a tangible thing. \u00a0Also, while having fun can include worshiping things (like particular body parts), you\u2019re not engaging in worship whenever you have fun. \u00a0Obviously.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cWe put it before god\u2019s commands to have self-control and to take our thoughts captive.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nWhat if I told you that you can have self-control and also want to relieve yourself of being horny?<\/p>\nAlso, I\u2019ve taken my thoughts captive \u2014 how else could I reject god\u2019s attempts to take my thoughts captive? \u00a0I mean, the fact that I manage my own thoughts is a prerequisite for thinking god\u2019s advice on masturbation is arbitrary, contradictory to good mental health, and dumb.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cIt\u2019s been said that masturbation is a good way to relieve stress.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\u2026<a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/blog\/stress-and-sex\/201401\/touchy-subject-the-health-benefits-masturbation\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">by experts who study the brain, the body, and how they work<\/a>. \u00a0But if you trust them over the people who wrote the bible and didn\u2019t even know that the moon doesn\u2019t produce its own light, then you\u2019re going to hell.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cDo you ever feel guilty after you masturbate? \u00a0Then it\u2019s causing you to have more stress.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nNope, and I\u2019ll probably even do it today even though I\u2019m sick just to spite you.<\/p>\nHowever, I\u2019ve known plenty of people who did feel guilty when masturbating thanks to their religious up-bringing. The source of the guilt was people like this dipshit, not masturbation. \u00a0The guilt was a function of self-important people with religion moving them to psychologically manipulate others into letting people nowhere near their sex life\u00a0dictate it, even though it\u2019s none of their damn business.<\/p>\nThere\u2019s a clear villain in this scenario, and it\u2019s not touching yourself.<\/p>\nThe source of the stress is the trying-too-hard-to-be-funny goon in this video, not pleasure. \u00a0This is like cutting somebody and then blaming band-aids.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cWhy not turn to Jesus for all of your needs.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nBecause I\u2019m straight, and because my hand has proven to be present in my life while Jesus has not \u2014\u00a0Jesus has never gotten me off once. \u00a0If you can\u2019t turn to Jesus for making you not hungry (so much for \u201call your needs\u201d) you probably shouldn\u2019t do it for making you not horny.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cMasturbating and praying are very different.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nYes. \u00a0And? \u00a0This is why I\u2019ve never sat down to masturbate and wound up praying by mistake.<\/p>\nThe primary difference is that one gets shit done,\u00a0which is ironic considering that it\u2019s come to be used as a euphemism for not getting things done. \u00a0That\u2019s how useless prayer is: literally more useless\u00a0than masturbation.<\/p>\nDoubt me? \u00a0Ok, try praying for relief of\u00a0your sexual tension. \u00a0Take all the time you need to confirm that it doesn\u2019t work. \u00a0Next, spend five minutes with your hand in your pants.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cDo we realize how great god is and how tiny [your penis] is?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nIf god is concerned with me masturbating, he can\u2019t be all that great. \u00a0And you should give masturbating a try \u2014 it\u2019s pretty great.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\u201cIt\u2019s a ridiculous comparison.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nAt last we agree on something.<\/p>\nThere are three other videos on this channel. \u00a0I can\u2019t wait.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"My brother sent me this video from the youtube channel pornsexturbation which is, inexplicably, not a joke: I was going to make a response to this, but\u2026 Dear FSM, I\u2019ve hit the blogger mother lode. \u00a0This is the stuff for which the phrase, \u201cWTF?\u201d was created. \u00a0Seriously, videos like this scream, \u201cGod is all-wise, but […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1180,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39074","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sex"],"yoast_head":"\n<title>Three reasons you shouldn't masturbate, courtesy of Youth Pastor No-Fun.<\/title>\n<meta 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