H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\nI am so thrilled to be writing for Zack today as and his wife navigate the turbulent waters of being new parents.<\/p>\n
Now, my wife and I do not have kids.\u00a0 And although there are a lot of couples that are willingly childless, Cheri and I have been pursuing serious fertility treatment for a couple of years now.\u00a0 So when Zack asked me to do this, I jokingly said I\u2019d write something about childless people trying to be happy for their new-parent friends.<\/p>\n
Zack immediately wrote back, calling himself an \u201cinconsiderate ass,\u201d which I didn\u2019t quite agree with on this occasion.\u00a0 Of course, I tried to clarify that I was sincerely <\/i>happy for them, but of course the more sincere I tried to sound, the less convincing I sounded (much like single people trying to congratulate their newly engaged friends.)<\/p>\n
Through conversations and message boards, it\u2019s clear that there is a lot of misunderstanding, \u00a0awkwardness, even tension between new parents and their childless friends.<\/p>\n
I know that even bringing up this subject can be tense because it\u2019s extremely personal and sensitive.\u00a0 But I\u2019d like to offer what I hope is the beginning of a friendly truce.
\n\u00a0
\n\u00a0
\nThe Isolation of Parenting\u2026and Not Parenting<\/b><\/em><\/p>\nThe thing about being a new parent is that it isolates <\/i>people.<\/p>\n
I have seen our friends suddenly plunge into a black hole of diapers and midnight breastfeeding.\u00a0 They emerge, months later, disheveled and disoriented.\u00a0 They squint their eyes in the daylight as if waking from a hazy stupor.\u00a0 Their voices crack as they try to remember how to have an adult conversation that does not revolve around bowel movements.<\/p>\n
The thing about being childless is that it also <\/i>isolates people.<\/p>\n
Just like new parents get lost in baby-land, it is easy for childless people to get lost in non-baby land.\u00a0 Home life becomes dominated by baby talk, even though we sometimes can\u2019t stand to see <\/i>anyone else\u2019s kids.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry, new parents, you aren\u2019t the only ones whose love life is suffering.\u00a0 Actually trying <\/i>to get pregnant is a great way to completely rid your relationship of romance.
\n\u00a0
\n\u00a0
\nA War of Words<\/b><\/em><\/p>\nNow, there are lots of things we say, perhaps to casually, which make our relationships with each other a bit tougher.<\/p>\n
Childless friends, we could certainly refrain from referring to our pets as our \u201ckids,\u201d at least in front of our friends with human children.\u00a0 Let\u2019s be honest.\u00a0 Our pets clean their own butts.\u00a0 We put them in cages.\u00a0 We don\u2019t send them to college.\u00a0 Our friends don\u2019t call their kids \u201cpets,\u201d and if they did, they would have Child Protective Services at their door.\u00a0 Let\u2019s not minimize our friends\u2019 children by comparing them to animals.<\/p>\n
I just heard the parents cheering there.\u00a0 Parents, could you please refrain from ever saying to us, \u201cYou just won\u2019t understand until you have kids.\u201d\u00a0 <\/i>It is true, we will not understand the intricacies of anything from poop to pumps the way you do.\u00a0 But we are intimately knowledgeable about many things which may not have occurred to you.\u00a0 You call your baby a \u201cmiracle.\u201d \u00a0We can tell you the myriad of infinitesimal variables that created<\/i> your beautiful miracle.\u00a0 We understand just how miraculously unlikely <\/i>it is that any of us <\/i>are here today.<\/p>\n
Also, if we ever do have kids, please do not say, \u201cRemember, you wanted this!\u201d <\/i>as if to tauntingly say that we cannot complain about our kids the way you do.\u00a0 Just remember, we paid good money <\/i>for our kids and the right to complain about them.
\n\u00a0
\n\u00a0
\nDon\u2019t Pretend Your Life Sucks Just For Me<\/b><\/em><\/p>\nNow, I am not saying that parents and non-parents have to give each other the silent treatment.<\/p>\n
In fact, I think you parents should not be afraid to share with us the good <\/i>parts of being a parent.\u00a0 Don\u2019t just share the bad stuff so we don\u2019t think we\u2019re missing out on anything good.\u00a0 We are you friends.\u00a0 Tell us about your victories and triumphs (hopefully they don\u2019t all <\/i>revolve around your kids).<\/p>\n
And you know, I\u2019m not going to be ashamed in front of you parents because I still have more freedom and more money and nice, un-barfy furniture because I don\u2019t have kids.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to apologize because my wife and I can spontaneously skip town for a weekend.<\/p>\n
People shouldn\u2019t have to pretend their lives suck just to keep their friends from being jealous of them.
\n\u00a0
\n\u00a0
\nSharing the Good and the Bad<\/b><\/em><\/p>\nI said that both childlessness and parenting isolates <\/i>people.\u00a0 And isolation is hurtful.\u00a0 We don\u2019t need isolation.\u00a0 We need empathy.<\/i><\/p>\n
Empathy doesn\u2019t mean that people actually know <\/i>what you are going through from personal experience.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean your friend must know <\/i>the exhaustion of midnight feedings or the pain of infertility treatments.\u00a0 Our pain is our own.\u00a0 We cannot isolate ourselves from everyone who hasn\u2019t \u201cbeen there\u201d too, or we won\u2019t have many friends left.<\/p>\n
Empathy looks like Job\u2019s friends, sitting in the dust together in our struggles.<\/p>\n
Empathy is being genuinely happy for each other in the victories and triumphs.
\n\u00a0
\n\u00a0
\n\u00a0
\nMatt Appling is a teacher, writer and wannabe Dad. He is the author of Life After Art, released by Moody Publishers.\u00a0Find Matt and his blog at MattAppling.com<\/a> and make sure to follow him on Twitter<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(H\/T) I am so thrilled to be writing for Zack today as and his wife navigate the turbulent waters of being new parents. Now, my wife and I do not have kids.\u00a0 And although there are a lot of couples that are willingly childless, Cheri and I have been pursuing serious fertility treatment for a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3437,"featured_media":11142,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11135","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
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<\/a>(H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n