![\"Screen-Shot-2013-12-28-at-8.18.12-AM\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/Screen-Shot-2013-12-28-at-8.18.12-AM.png\")
<\/a>(H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\nI was going to do a year in review post, but I figured 1) it\u2019s more than a bit cliche and 2) trying to predict the future is a lot more fun.<\/p>\n
So, I\u2019m gonna try something a little different.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m going to tell you everything (American Jesus related) that\u2019s going to happen in 2014!!<\/p>\n
More or less.<\/p>\n
I will keep with the clich\u00e9, though, and offer up a year appropriate amount of predictions, but to keep things interesting I\u2019ll offer up the odds on my predictions coming true.<\/p>\n
I hope you enjoy.<\/p>\n
And if you don\u2019t, then ask yourself this \u2013 \u201cWhy do I hate joy and happiness and cute little puppies?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
1.\u00a0I\u2019ll be asleep when the clock strikes midnight on Jan. 1<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n There was a time when I could pull an all-nighter, no problem. That day has long since passed. Heck, I couldn\u2019t even stay awake for a late night showing of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug<\/em> and I was DYING to see that movie. Throw a baby in the mix and I can pretty much guarantee I\u2019ll be asleep by 10:30pm.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 I\u2019m getting tired just thinking about it<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0 (H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n 2. Pat Robertson will finally retire<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Ok, this is probably just wishful thinking, but everybody\u2019s gotta have a dream, right?<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 20:1<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n 3. A Christian\u00a0celebrity will say something ridiculous and the internet will freak out<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n I know, I\u2019m really going out on a limb on this one. The only real question is who will it be? Yeah, who am I kidding? We all know it will be ______________.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 Do we really need odds for this one?<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n 4. Way too many Christians will blindly and passionately defend that aforementioned ridiculousness no matter how It\u2019s free speech! It\u2019s in the Bible! Christians are being persecuted! Look, if this is you or has been you or you think it will be you when the time comes, could you do the rest of us a favor and maybe add a little creativity to your Chicken Little outrage? You guys are getting so predictable I could create a controversy, script your response, and get it all right word for word and verse for verse. Actually, that was basically an episode of 30 Rock<\/em> one season and it was awesome. Just like the rest of the show.<\/p>\n Bonus predication:<\/strong> A slightly smaller, but still significant portion of Christians will smugly dismiss the controversy as not as important as other admittedly important issues\u2026which they conspicuously never ever mention until they can use them to shame people they disagree with.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 Dear God, please let this madness end<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0 5. Chick-Fil-A will officially become a sacrament<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Chick-Fil-A has already become the Wittenburg Door of 21st century evangelicalism, the place to stage a protest against every perceived slight against Christianity, real or otherwise. I predict a church or pastor or patriot somewhere will take the next logical step and switch out bread and wine for nuggets and lemonade in the celebration of the Lord\u2019s Supper. Personally, I think that sounds deliciously awesome and would probably be the most successful effort to get new visitors in the door ever in the history of ever. Speaking of ever in the history of ever\u2026.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 75:1<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n 6. Nicholas Cage\u2019s Left Behind will be the greatest movie ever in the history of ever<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Yeah, probably not. But that\u2019s not gonna stop me from being the first in line to see it!!<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 1,987,253,016:1<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n (H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n 7. The rapture won\u2019t happen in 2014<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Most people like to predict when the rapture is going to happen. But I\u2019m gonna take the road less traveled on this one and say it\u2019s not happening next year. In fact, I\u2019m gonna go one step further and predict that it\u2019s never going to happen<\/a>. Ever.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 Absolutely Positively Guaranteed<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n (H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n 8. Joel Osteen will publish the same book he\u2019s been publishing for the last 10 years<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Behold the titles of Joel\u2019s last few books:Break Out!: 5 Keys to Go Beyond Your Barriers and Live an Extraordinary Life<\/a> Odds \u2013 Even Money (Even more money if you say the right prayer)<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n 9. Mark Driscoll will actually write his own book\u2026for the first time ever<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n But Zack, hasn\u2019t Mark written tons of books already? Apparently not.<\/a> With all the controversy surrounding Driscoll\u2019s rampant plagiarism and the exposure of his (and other Christian celebrity\u2019s) prolific use of ghostwriters, I\u2019m getting Driscoll gets spooked about losing out on book sales and finally writes a book on his own.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 3:1<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n (H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n 10. There will be a Duck Dynasty spinoff \u2013 Duck Church<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n If the controversy over Phil Robertson\u2019s recent comments taught us anything, it\u2019s that countless Christians consider him the model of Christian virtue and will blindly defend whatever he says even if they\u2019ve never actually read his words and are just going off their friend\u2019s rant on Facebook. So, given that and given the fact that Duck Dynasty<\/em> branded Christian merchandise is already a plague threatening the future of Christianity (seriously, do we need a Duck Dynasty<\/em> devotional<\/a> Odds \u2013 20:1<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n 11. A pastor somewhere will twerk during their sermon<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n They may do it live or it may be part of a video, but either way it\u2019s going to happen. And not because it\u2019s timely, astute, and relevant to the gospel, but because it\u2019s none of the above and that pretty much sums up evangelical Christianity today. Speaking of a total lack of creativity\u2026.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 5:1<\/strong><\/p>\n (H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n 12. There will be way too many World Cup themed sermon series and they will all be terrible<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n This one is a pretty easy call. See the above mentioned lack of creativity plaguing evangelicalism for the reasons why.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 Somewhere in a church office somewhere in America the sermon planning has already begun<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n (H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n 13. Russell Crowe\u2019s Noah will inspire Kirk Cameron to hunt for \u201cthe real Noah\u2019s Ark\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n In 2013, despite the best efforts of all of humanity throughout time, Kirk finally solved the problem of evil. So, I figure it only makes sense that this lover of biblical literalism takes on another great mystery that has challenged humanity across the millennia \u2013 the location of Noah\u2019s ark. But honestly? I just want this to happen because I think it would make for a disastrously amazing reality show\/movie\/maybe both.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 5:1<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n 14. Pope Francis will keep being awesome\u2026and start disappointing<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s no secret that I\u2019m a big fan of Pope Francis. So are a ton of other people. He just seems to get it. I\u2019m guessing he\u2019ll keep doing amazing things in the new year\u2026but he\u2019ll also start disappointing those of who wish he would do more to bring deeper reforms in the church. Some of that disappointment has already begun, but if there was one prediction I hope I\u2019m wrong about, it\u2019s this one. Well, the second half at least.<\/p>\n Odds \u2013 Even Mammon<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Well, those are my predictions for 2014. When you look into your crystal ball, what do you see happening in the new year?<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (H\/T) I was going to do a year in review post, but I figured 1) it\u2019s more than a bit cliche and 2) trying to predict the future is a lot more fun. So, I\u2019m gonna try something a little different. I\u2019m going to tell you everything (American Jesus related) that\u2019s going to happen in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3437,"featured_media":11276,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11274","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n![\"s\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/s.jpg\")
<\/a>(H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>\n![\"o-PAT-ROBERTSON-TRANSGENDER-facebook\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/o-PAT-ROBERTSON-TRANSGENDER-facebook.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n![\"yell-beard-l\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/yell-beard-l.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n![\"A](\"https:\/\/theamericanjesus.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/Screaming-Preacher.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nracist<\/del> bigoted<\/del>\u00a0hateful<\/del> moronic<\/del> ridiculous it is<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n
\n![\"chick-fil-a\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/chick-fil-a.jpg\")
<\/a>(H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n![\"left_behind_poster1-620x918\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/left_behind_poster1-620x918.jpg\")
<\/a>(H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n![\"Rapture\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/Rapture.jpg\")
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<\/a>(H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n![\"duck-dynasty-merchandise-ftr\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/duck-dynasty-merchandise-ftr.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com\/e\/ir?t=amerjesu-20&l=as2&o=1&a=1476748683\")
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<\/a>(H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n![\"Fifa-World-Cup-Brazil-Wallpaper\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/Fifa-World-Cup-Brazil-Wallpaper.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n![\"noah-poster-russell-crowe-teaser\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/noah-poster-russell-crowe-teaser.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n![\"Vatican](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/941\/2013\/12\/o-POPE-FRANCIS-570.jpg\")
<\/a>(H\/T<\/a>)<\/p>\n