Dharmic Plus Abrahamic?

Most conflicts in inter-religious marriages will surface after you have children. For Abrahamics, it is vital that children from their marriage follow only the rules of their individual holy book. A Muslim spouse and the community may demand your kids have sunat (religious circumcision) and bear only an Arabic name. A Jewish person may not ask for a religious conversion for the spouse but may want Bris (circumcision) to declare the Jewish faith for the child. A Christian spouse may require baptism of children and require them (and you too) to attend Church every Sunday, while you may wish to take your child to the Mandir or Balvihar.

Another major consideration is about the expectation for family planning. I know of a case where an Ahmedabadi young woman already has five kids because her Catholic husband did not believe in birth control. Did she know and realize the consequences of her interfaith relationship while dating in college?

In the truest sense, marriage is a secular act and not a religious one. Unfortunately, some religious leaders and communities would like to use the wedding as a tool for religious expansion. I learned of a case in Boston where without the Shahadah and Islamic wedding (nikaah), the wedding was denounced by a local imam and most Muslim relatives did not attend the wedding reception party.

In almost all cases of a Hindu-Muslim marriage in which both Muslim and Hindu ceremonies are performed, the religious conversion to Islam (Shahadah) is performed first. Then it is followed by the Muslim wedding ceremony (nikaah) and after that by the Hindu ceremony (Vivah). Similarly, in many church weddings declaration of faith to Christianity is a mandatory requirement. Therefore, technically speaking, after conversion to Islam or Christian faith has been performed, the Hindu ceremony is a totally superfluous oxymoron because it is a Muslim to Muslim or Christian to Christian wedding performed by a Hindu priest! In such a wedding, do celebrating Hindus really know what they are celebrating?

While investigating the possibility of a relationship with those from other religions, be sure to find out if there is going to be any pressure on you and your future children to convert (BBS: Baptism, Bris, Shahadah/Sunat), which could come not just from your future life partner, but also from his or her family members and religious community. Not all Abrahamics impose their religious beliefs and practices on their spouse, but it is very important to find out the facts sooner than later. It is also important to note that despite all the potential marital pitfalls, a successful and fulfilling inter-religious marriage is possible, ideally, by not imposing respective religious beliefs on the other partner.

A similar message has been given in Jodhaa Akbar, Gadar, and Namastey London movies. Bollywood star Hrithik Roshan and Suzanne Khan kept the religions out and got married by a civil wedding, and it is an admirable act. If someone you are dating cannot show you this same respect and expects you to forsake your own religion for marriage, even just for name's sake, you must ask yourself if you are prepared to tolerate the intolerance being practiced against you.

Before entering into a relationship, one should have an open dialogue about religious expectations (especially the conversion business) and recognize the far-reaching consequences. Though dealing with this issue early on will obviously be important for the well-being of the couple, it is also a significant issue for their children, not to mention the couple's extended families who take pride in preserving their religious and cultural traditions that have been passed down for generations and generations. Well-informed and well-considered decisions for selecting a life mate will certainly bring long lasting happiness in a married life, even if it is an interfaith marriage. But most importantly, we want to make sure we will have the freedom to follow our traditions and raise our children to do the same without threats to this liberty created by our spouse and his or her relatives.

Dr. Dilip Amin is past president of Plymouth Balvihar and a medical research scientist. His website, the Forum for Interfaith Marriages with Equality, provides extensive materials on interfaith marriage. This article is reprinted with permission from that site.