What Do You Do with Difficult People?

The Trouble with Being "Nice"
The beginning of change, then, is learning how to recognize and modulate your own energy patterns. The more aware you are, the more you can stand aside and witness rather than identify your personal energies of thought and feeling, the easier it is to work with your own energies. This takes practice. You don't start out with a highly developed awareness of your own energy or the way it affects others, and it's even harder to know how to change the way your energies work together. In the heat of an emotionally charged exchange, it's hard to step back and watch what's happening, particularly when you're one of the participants.
To complicate matters, you may have disowned your more problematic energies—anger or vulnerability—so they come out sideways, in sarcastic remarks or sudden outbursts, or unexplained tears, as you react to energy patterns that trigger childhood programming, or family dynamics.

This was part of Fran's problem with her neighbor. Fran had always thought of herself as a "nice" woman, who would rather stuff her anger than express it. The way she tells it, her older brother had a hair-trigger temper, and used to yell at and make fun of her. Fran had always tried to placate him, repressing her own resentment. All her life, she's been attracting angry males, like replicas of her brother, and projections of her unexpressed rage. With Larry, her buried hair-trigger temper had started to surface as well.

Just becoming aware of this pattern made a difference. Fran was able to witness the process between them, recognizing the moment when her own anger started to surface. But she was still too frightened to discuss her feelings about their relationship. It wasn't just that confrontation scared her. She had a strong feeling that it wouldn't work, anymore than it had with her brother.

A Real Heart-to-Heart
Then, Fran learned about an inner visualization technique, and decided to give it a try. She closed her eyes and calmed her breathing, then imagined herself in a small, comfortable room inside her own heart. She saw a door in the wall, which opened onto a staircase, which she walked down. (You might recognize this as a common self-hypnosis technique.) At the bottom of the staircase she found another door, where she imagined herself entering a room with two chairs in it. She sat in one of the chairs, and imagined Larry sitting in the other.

She saw herself handing Larry a bouquet of roses. Then she imagined herself saying to him, "I would be peace and kindness between us."

The first few times she did this practice, her imaginary Larry showed up faceless, or showed no interest in taking the flowers. After awhile, though, she felt less fear and distrust for Larry. The fifth time she tried the practice, she actually felt Larry's energy in the imagined room, and felt him accepting the bouquet.

A few days later, the real Larry came to her door in an unusually mellow mood. They had a cup of tea together, and she asked if they could talk. She told him she appreciated the things he did for her, but wanted to set up a friendly boundary. She would prefer he not come to her house unless she invited him—"not because I don't like you," she said, "but because it's important to me to keep the energy in my house my own."

To her surprise, Larry seemed to accept her position. "It was as if he respected me for making it clear," she told me. Moreover, there was an ease and friendliness in their conversation that had never been there before. Fran felt it had everything to do with her flower meditation. Whether it had affected him or not, it had certainly released something in her, and that internal shift had allowed her to speak to him without charge. Now she can say, "Hey, Larry, be nice!" when he starts talking in his hectoring voice. And he laughs and shifts into a friendlier tone.

How to Change the World
The Yoga Vasistha, one of the most radical texts of Vedanta, teaches that the world you experience is actually a manifestation of consciousness itself, and that when you change your inner view, the world changes to match it. If you believe this teaching (and it is in fact the unacknowledged basis of much of the current new age teachings), it follows that when you want to change a relationship in the physical world, you begin by creating a shift in your thoughts and feelings. Whether you make this shift by creating an intention, doing a pacifying visualization, or imagining yourself having a successful conversation, the imaginative work you do with your difficult people is the first step toward breaking down the barriers.

First, notice the energy that's triggered inside you in this person's presence. Remember the last time you were with him or her and see if you can sense the way the energy feels in your body when you think of that encounter. Notice how your throat and stomach feel. Be aware of any emotions and thoughts you have about this person. See how long you can stay in this state of standing aside from the situation and your reactions, yet holding them in awareness.