Most folks who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors do not know they're addicts, at least at first. It may be that the frame of their interpersonal behavior has always included openness to sexual experimentation. Even if that's not the case, we all have a tendency to dismiss certain activities as mistakes, errors in judgment or things we don't think are good but just aren't that big a deal.
All of us rationalize patterns that develop in our lives. To varying degrees, we all experience the frog-in-the-kettle-of-boiling-water syndrome in our behaviors and appetites. I know a number of folks with great financial resources who are living lives of comfort and excess they probably never imagined they'd be able to enjoy. And the amount of excess is so great that they've lost perspective; they've grown into the lifestyle they're in and don't see the increasingly gross disparity between their personal spending and their values. It's the same with sexual addiction for most of us. A seemingly innocuous behavior grew into a huge problem without us realizing what was going on.
Addiction Is Not an Excuse
In no way does being an addict excuse a person from her behavior. Understanding how addiction works is not to dismiss a person's responsibility for her life. On the other hand, understanding how addiction works is essential for realizing just what a challenge an addict is up against. It explains why a person's bad behavior does not respond to normal attempts at self-control. Understanding addiction explains why an addict does not--and indeed, cannot--respond the way most people do when they try to conform to commonly agreed-upon standards of appropriate behavior.
If I were not an addict, I may read the previous few paragraphs and say to myself, "Addicts are just making excuses for themselves." But it is just the opposite. While self-understanding alone will not heal us, rarely can we make the challenging journey to health and sobriety without adequate self-understanding. Most of us have to know what it is we're up against and why. Compulsive people who are moving toward health stop scapegoating their shame and stop making excuses. We try to acknowledge where the source of our hurt lies within us, because the remarkable reality of almost every single addict is that, try as we might to shortcut feelings and block out pain, we are never far away from our guilt and shame.
Never in my life was acting out okay to me. Never did I give in to the thought that, well, this is just the price of my giftedness, or, well, I do so much to serve others and I have to have some sort of break. Being broken in my sexual practices was never okay with me. That's why shame and self-loathing were my constant companions for more than forty years.
One of the most important things I've learned is that I was not and I am not alone. There are thousands of other clergy with this struggle, and hundreds of thousands of well-intentioned Christians struggle with guilt, shame and fear--all hiding their secret lives. Can this be what Christ wants for his church? Absolutely not.
I believe ministry leaders who are struggling with compulsive behaviors can find healing and freedom. I believe that in most cases they do not have to leave ministry to do so. I believe they cannot possibly do this alone, hiding in isolation. They need help. They need community. And they need the church they serve to help them. And I believe it's in the church's best interests to change the way she approaches sexually compulsive behavior and to help everyone who's struggling with it.
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