Suicide Grief and a Savior

Ten years ago, March of 2014, our family was plunged into suicide grief. My brother found my 40-year-old sister Meggan who had died by suicide. In that moment my world changed. Everything I thought I believed about hope, healing, and heartbreak was put under the microscope of grief. If ever there was a time I needed a Savior, it was in this shock and grief.

Experiencing Suicide Grief

I relate to the words of M. Russell Ballard.

The act of taking one’s life is truly a tragedy because this single act leaves so many victims: first the one who dies, then the dozens of others—family and friends—who are left behind, some to face years of deep pain and confusion. The living victims struggle, often desperately, with difficult emotions.

In my suicide grief, I knew where to turn. I wrote,

 Our Father in Heaven knew that life would be filled with joy and pain. So He mercifully sent us His Son, a Savior to atone for the hurt and healing of all of His children. The grief of suicide may be a different kind of grief than I have ever experienced, but I believe the source of healing is the same.

Meggan suffered from severe depression. Over the last decade, while processing my own mental health and suicide grief over her loss, I have been committed to helping people normalize mental health conversations infused with a lens of faith. The time has come for people of faith to talk about both mental health and a relationship with God.

Reaching for a Savior

In the wake of Meg’s passing, I reached for my Savior in distinct and deliberate ways. I sought therapy and priesthood blessings, and I increased temple worship to strengthen an eternal perspective. Elder Ballard taught,

I am grateful for the great plan of salvation our Father in Heaven has provided for us. It is a plan of great fairness and a plan of great love. As I think about the worry and agony of those whose loved one has taken his or her own life, I find deep comfort and faith in the Lord’s promise and blessing to us who remain in mortality.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)

I endured a lot of sleepless nights, gut-punching pain, and a steady stream of “what if” questions. But through it all I can testify that my Savior was there. And I testify that He will be there for your long, painful nights of questioning.

Sharing Pain and Insights of Suicide Grief

I received an important gift from my sister’s death: the opportunity to share my faith and the truth of suicide grief on a very public stage. Suicide is one decision someone makes and doesn’t reflect all of their decisions. Talking about and writing about the principles of hope found in the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ gave me purpose in the pain.

 Dale G. Renlund  shared a critical perspective. “When someone takes their own life, only God is able to judge their thoughts, their actions, and their level of accountability. Suicide need not be the defining characteristic of an individual’s eternal life.”

I have had the sacred honor over the past decade to hear many, many other stories of suicide  loss, mental health struggles, and grief. Many families that have lost loved ones still wrestle with questions of eternity for those they have lost to suicide. Jeffrey R. Holland  extended the comfort we need to difficulties including and beyond mental health challenges.

There will come a day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.” Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another.”

Because of Jesus, all of God’s children can hope and heal from the messes of mortality and sadnesses of suicide grief. Ten years after losing Meg, I miss her every day. But today I know and can testify more personally of the power and grace offered by a Savior. He will not leave you alone. And He offers a peace that passes even the understanding of suicide loss.