At a crucial time I had left one lifestyle and one identity—willingly and joyfully. I was sure I would not miss the first. But I had to go through a challenge of conflicting lives before the change could be complete.
My husband and I had been called as mission leaders in Chile, and I loved being a missionary for Jesus Christ. I had longed for a full-time mission my entire life. I often reminded myself of the Lord’s promise to those who serve Him: they will “receive an hundredfold, and inherit everlasting life” (Matthew 19:29).
I had not anticipated that the old and the new would become conflicting lives, both demanding my heart and my mind.
But Christmas was fast approaching, and my conflicting lives began to haunt me. My former life was in mountainous Utah. I remembered crisp winter temperatures, snow, hot chocolate, cinnamon cider, warm home-baked sugar cookies, snow-covered caroling. But I was in Chile, surrounded by beaches, sunshine, warm temperatures, green trees, swimsuits, beach towels, and sandcastles. I learned that conflicting lives do not automatically straighten themselves out like we might hope.
A Watch Trigger
My trial of conflicting lives seems to have been triggered by a lost wristwatch. My husband had sacrificed to purchase this watch for me three years earlier for our wedding anniversary. It was a rare extravagance for us, expensive and elaborate in materials and design. I had left most of my belongings at home to help me focus my full attention on serving as a mission leader, but I took the watch with me—this treasured symbol of my husband’s love. I took no other jewelry besides my wedding band.
The watch slipped off my wrist during one of our mission zone conferences. Both my husband and I were shocked by my sudden flood of tears and woe. We searched the chapel and every room in the building, but we did not find it. I was overcome by a flood of dark emotions as tears filled my eyes.
As my husband tried to comfort me, I couldn’t understand the depth of my emotion. I was overcome by sudden thoughts of all the “things” that I felt I had given up in order to be a missionary—a faithful disciple of Jesus Christ. I thought of my children, parents, and siblings. There was my home, my language, my culture, and my friends. I missed my dog, piano, and cell phone. I had left behind my computer, my internet access, my car—my independence. Like a mound of heavy snow, my perceived losses fell on me; I was buried in gloom!
Conflicting Lives in Crisis
I cherished being a missionary, but I also treasured being a mother. Christmas had always been our favorite—quiet family time, our precious few days of uninterrupted togetherness. Chile was thousands of miles away from my family.
Before I left home for our mission, I had wondered if I would feel homesick, but I had quickly dismissed that thought; I was so excited to be a missionary. I reasoned, “This is my dream come true. I am strong and not overly attached to my ‘things.’ I won’t get homesick at all.” I was wrong!
How could I stop thinking of what I had “lost,” and focus instead on what I had gained and would yet gain from the amazing privilege of serving as a full-time missionary and helping others find Jesus Christ? Pleading with God to heal my hurt, I studied my scriptures and prayed fervently.
I wondered if I was capable of giving up my entire conflicting life to serve the Savior. As time passed, my darkness increased. I kept praying and studying and hoping for joy to return. I felt weak, and I was ashamed of my weakness. I was ashamed of my ingratitude. I prayed for Heavenly Father to help me put my heart and my conflicting lives back together.
Chile was beautiful, but even in nature, I felt a loss of what I had always loved. I found temporary joy joining our missionaries in teaching about Jesus Christ and His gospel, but almost everything else was darkened by pain.
Christmas Vision
“Why can’t I shake off this heaviness?” I pleaded. “How can I serve Jesus when my heart is not right? Please, Heavenly Father, heal my conflicted heart!” One evening, after praying for strength, I dragged myself into bed. I dreaded bedtime because tossing and turning had become my nightly struggle. To my astonishment, that night—Christmas Eve—sleep came quickly.
As I slept, my Savior entered my dreams. I saw His feet as I knelt before Him in the Chile sand. I poured out my thoughts to Him. I apologized to Him for being so ungrateful and weak, and I offered Him a simple silver tray, which held my greatest “treasures”: photos of my children, parents, siblings, friends—even my dog. My cell phone and computer were there; a small replica of my home and my car also lay on my tray. There was even a pair of my favorite winter mittens. In the center of the tray, my anniversary watch sparkled in the light of the hem of His robe.
When the Savior reached down to accept my modest offering, I saw evidence of His love for me and for all mankind—nail prints, eternally imprinted on His hands. His love for all of us bathed my soul in exquisite warmth and joy.
Jesus accepted my simple personal offering as if it were everything—He knew that to me it was! His powerful, enabling influence warmed every space in my soul. He offered me strength. He rebuilt my mother’s heart as it should relate within my missionary’s heart, reminding me of eternal life and the promises that await His faithful disciples.
What Jesus did for me is what He does for all of us when we come unto Him with broken hearts and contrite spirits. He heals us (Isaiah 1:18). He gives us specifically what we need. We will always be individuals to Him, and He treats us individually.
A Prophet’s Perspective
My homesickness began to fade, and the devastating darkness did not return over the two and one-half more years we served. I felt renewed strength and resolve. Jesus did not change the circumstances that resulted in my conflicting lives. In His greater wisdom, He helped me understand the doctrine of eternal life that healed my heart and offered me peace. From that day forward, whenever I have felt discouraged, I have remembered the tray I gave Him and His divine promise of eternal life (see Alma 7:11-13).
I loved when our Prophet Russell M. Nelson said in October 2024 General Conference. “I have learned that the most crucial question we each must answer is this: To whom or to what will I give my life?”
I realize now that in my challenge of conflicting lives, I needed to be asking myself “to whom or to what will I give my life?” I keep coming back to this assurance: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).
President Nelson has promised, “If (we) will make and keep covenants to follow Jesus Christ, [we] will find that the painful moments of life are temporary. [Our] afflictions will be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ.”
He left us with this precious promise:
It is neither too early nor too late for [us] to become a devout disciple of Jesus Christ . . . [to] experience fully the blessings of His Atonement . . . Come unto Christ and “offer your whole soul” to Him. This is the secret to a life of joy!
I am beyond grateful for the healing peace and amazing grace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ (see Moroni 10:32-33).
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