Contemplative Parenting

Contemplative Parenting and Control

I have been on a journey of contemplative leadership, and that includes how to lead within my own home through contemplative parenting.

There is a pervasive idea within our culture that we create change through exerting control over others. This leadership model is on full display all the way from young bullies on the playground to old bullies in each political party. In both scenarios, we are saying, “because I want this, you must do/lose that.”

In contemplative leadership, one goal is to be fully present. This means being fully present to oneself, to God, and to others. This goal can shift us away from the posturing of offense or defense, and into a posture of learning and receiving. One thing that can stop us from being fully present is our desire for control.

Can we be fully present and attentive to someone whom we are trying to control?

Being Present to Our Children

This brings me back to the first few months of my son’s life. You cannot control a baby. You can create structure, but even that is a way of being present to them. It took several weeks before I had ten minutes of uninterrupted sleep, because you can’t control a baby.

Now my son is three years old. His preschool gave us an ultimatum to potty train him within a short period of time. I can add structure, but I cannot control a toddler.

Part of my contemplative leadership is a commitment to let my presence be an embodiment of my core values, rather than reacting out of my fears or short-term desires. My desire to meet the preschool’s deadline does not supersede my core value of being a loving presence in my son’s life. Creating structure and boundaries is a very real and necessary way of being present and loving to children; however, punishing them for natural bodily functions is not.

If he doesn’t meet the deadline, it doesn’t mean he’s a failure.

If he doesn’t meet the deadline, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure.

It may simply take an additional week, or an additional month, or however long he needs for this transition. I want to be present to his unique needs, and not just to the school’s generic policy. This issue of potty-training also leads to larger questions of parental leadership.

Is the purpose of parenting to control children?

Do we create who our children will become?

Being Present to Ourselves

It can be extremely frustrating when my child doesn’t listen to my instructions. He primarily wants to eat chicken, pizza, and spaghetti. When I want him to eat more fruits and vegetables, I feed it to him rather than letting him choose. When I told someone else about this, they said “that’s a control thing”.

In my heart, I know that I want to help him. That’s why I want him to have fruits and vegetables. But I need to be fully present to the fact that this is not only a desire, it’s also a fear that is driving my behavior.

What if he doesn’t eat enough?

What if I’m not doing enough?

Even the pediatrician has told us to let him eat the amount that he wants. He has always been big for his age, so there is no reason to think that he’s not getting what he needs. My fear is not based on my son, it comes from within me.

My fear is whether I am a good parent. Even when I was pregnant with him, I overate. I gained more weight than I needed to, and I drank protein and meal replacement shakes in addition to my regular meals out of the fear that he wouldn’t get what he needed within me.

What other scenarios come to mind when you think of exerting control as a response to fear?

How often do you exert control over others in response to “what if” scenarios within you?

What if we don’t meet the potty-training deadline, and he fails in comparison to others, because I failed in comparison to others?

What if I don’t teach him good eating habits, and he fails to learn what he needs to know, and he fails in life because I failed as a parent?

When we are fully present to our own desires, we can uncover realistic fears that escalate into inflated worst-case scenarios.

How often are we reacting to hypothetical scenarios instead of embodying our core values in our present scenario?

Who my son will be is still unfolding, and I do not control that. I can love and be present to who he is today. My core values determine who I will be, not who I will force him to be.

Being Present to God

It is a struggle, but I am committed to contemplative parenting. I am committed to being fully present to myself, trying to recognize when I am reacting out of fear. I am committed to being fully present to my son, not only to the goals of his school or his measurement compared to others, but to his heart and his wholeness.

In scripture, there are two very important mothers who sing songs about their children. Hannah in the Old Testament promises that she will give her child to the Lord’s service if she is able to get pregnant. Mary in the New Testament is told that her child will be the son of God. Their songs mirror one another.

Both women experience the joy of motherhood. Both women experience the fear and heartache that comes with releasing control, and allowing their sons to follow their calling.

This is the call to be fully present to God in our parenting. This is the commitment to not only pour out our desires in prayer, but to listen as well. Part of being fully present is listening for the work of God in the life of my child.

Hannah’s child was Samuel, and God called out to him by name when he was still a young boy.

Am I fully present to the ways that God might speak to me through my child’s life?

Am I fully present to hear what God might teach me through my child’s voice?

Can I hear the voice of God within my son if I’m always controlling the dialogue?

I’m reminded of how the Pharisees were challenged in the Gospels. Following the law did not impart holiness upon them. Similarly, the purpose of my son’s life is not to follow rules. As Jesus reminded us, “the Sabbath exists for man, not man for the Sabbath”.

I believe that the purpose of my son’s life is love.