Breaking Up For Over-Givers

Breaking Up For Over-Givers June 28, 2020

Breaking up is hard to do and it is especially hard when you realize that you gave way too much into a relationship and got very little in return. Unfortunately, this happens all too often in a world of imbalanced relationships, both romantic and otherwise. While it is tempting to work magic to zap them into a world of hurt, most of us who have been through these kinds of endings (especially we old ones) agree that rendering someone insignificant is more effective than doing anything out of hate, hurt, or revenge. It is a huge energy expenditure during a time when we are grieving and emotionally processing. That can be fundamentally expensive.

Do the autopsy

Often, we do not recognize an imbalanced relationship until it ends. We are sad and mourning the loss of the relationship we considered vital to us and yet, we feel lighter and less encumbered. In our relationship post-mortem exam, we realize that we were the one doing all of the giving and got little in return. This recognition can be stunning, especially if we thought the relationship was stable, which leads to a “Hey, wait a minute…” moment. When we over-give, the self-recrimination can be extensive and it feels as we have no recompense for the mistake made by caring for someone who did not reciprocate our kindness.

Pull back the energy

If this happens to you and you feel regret or resentment over the abundant giving you willingly foisted onto the other party, you do have recourse. You can use a reversing candle to pull back the benefits the other person gained by your efforts or generosity. This allows you to incorporate the energy you invested into them back to your own energetic field to use as you wish. On their end, everything they gained from you begins to crumble and then slips through their fingers as if you were never there to help them.

Items needed:

  • 1 Reversing Candle (red and black)
  • 1 Black Sharpie marker
  • Banishing Herbs (I like juniper, rosemary, angelica, rue, and broom
  • Banishing Oil

Gather the items around you at a time when you know you will not be disturbed.

Sit with the candle for a while, thinking about the things you did for the other person that benefited them, the things you did in good faith out of love, support, and kindness. Consider each one you can remember in turn. Think of the times the other person could have helped you, could have been kind to you, or could have improved your quality of life and chose not to do so. Think about how they gained at your expense and all you sacrificed so they could thrive.

Write the following incantation on the candle with the Sharpie:

I call back from you to me

All blessings you have come to see

That came directly from my hand

Slip through your fingers just like sand.

I reverse the wins I gave to you

And sweep clean my influence through and through.

Reverse all I did because I care

I leave your life as if never there.

So mote it be.

If you use a red and black reversing candle, write your words small enough that “I leave your life…” line is the first line on the black portion of the candle.

Using a knife, bamboo skewer, or orange stick, push seven holes into the surface of the reversing candle, one for each of the seven chakras. Drip some banishing oil into the holes, then lightly scatter banishing herbs onto the surface of the candle.

Cry if you need to. Let your emotions flow and release the pain, the resentment, the disappointment into the candle. The candle is strong and can handle all of this for you.

When you have depleted your emotional release from the imbalanced relationship outcome, imagine that deep within your inner core, there is a drawing force that starts to stir. Feel it gently tug at your viscera as it increases until it moves outside of your body in a swirling, pulling powerful energy undertow.

Take deep breaths and feel the drawing energy reach out, across the distance, to the other person and imagine that all of the energy, time, work, thoughtfulness, and consideration that you invested into them, their happiness, and their success separates from them and gives into the force of the drawing energy, succumbing to its pressure, releasing, and returning home to you. Allow the drawing to continue until it feels as if it is time to release it.

When you perceive that you have retrieved all of the energy you gave away, visualize the vortex pulling back into yourself, going down into your core and minimizing until it becomes dormant again. Feel the returned energy flowing through your own energetic field, rightfully reclaimed. Even though this pulls the vortex and initial energy load back into you, the candle continues the process while it burns. When the candle completes its burn, you know the energy has reached a stable balance and your recompense is as complete as the Universe will allow you to achieve.


Once the Reversing candle completes its burn, the energy return is finalized. Any benefits the other person received due to your efforts will leave them or sour, becoming useless to them. It may take time, but the process is immediately underway to eliminate your positive influence from their life. You are not cursing them. That is another blog post altogether. What you are doing is reclaiming what you gave to them. Think of it as a division of property acquired in the relationship and the energy you invested gets awarded to you.

That energy is returned to you now and throughout the burning of the candle and is best used for healing and self-improvement. Do something nice for yourself, maybe involving ice cream and massages.

About Katrina Rasbold
Want to contact Katrina? Email her at Katrina's newest book, The Sacred Art of Brujeria, just released on June 9 through Llewellyn Worldwide. Go to to see where you can get it! You can also check out her Shingle Springs, CA store by going to You can read more about the author here.

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