With all the attempts Christians have made to gain a foothold in consumer culture, how come there’s never been a successful Christian cereal?
Comedian John Oliver recently lamented that there have been no new developments in cereal in decades (warning: language). And he’s right: Aside from cereals branded for modern movies or TV shows, my kids’ breakfast options are basically what I had growing up. They eat Trix, Frosted Flakes and Cocoa Pebbles (and they don’t even know who Fred Flintstone is!). Someone in the cereal industry is asleep at the wheel, getting lazy when it comes to innovative breakfasts.
It strikes me that this opens up a giant opportunity for enterprising Christians. We have Christian T-shirts, video games and breath mints. Why has no one come up with a way to praise God while getting twice your daily sugar allotment in one meal? One that’s part of a balanced morning quiet time! I realize there is already cereal from the makers of Ezekiel Bread, but that doesn’t count; Ezekiel Bread is delicious whether you’re a Christian or not. I want a cereal that makes you feel the glory of God stir deep inside of you (or maybe it’s just the fiber doing its work). Plus, there’s even a commercial jingle ready to go!
So, here are my five brilliant Christian cereal ideas (please note they are not free for the taking, but we can discuss the details with my lawyer). And if it seems weird to tie morality and spirituality to what you eat in the morning, here’s a fun fact: that’s how your favorite cereals got their start! Quick note: You’re going to quickly notice that most of these are ripoffs of previously existing cereals. That’s not lazy thinking; that’s just Christian capitalism, baby.
My first idea was Fruit of the Spirit Loops, but that seemed way too lazy. Instead, I thought about a breakfast product that features tiny cereal crosses and marshmallow Christian icons. Blue doves, yellow icthuses, pink lambs, green palm fronds, and purple scrolls. It’s even ready to go with a great mascot — Pious Pete, who spends every commercial trying to collect all the icons so he can usher in the Rapture!
Think Wheaties, but for your soul. These wheat flakes will give you energy to preach a Sunday sermon that would make John Edwards quake in his boots or lead a worship service that would exhaust Tobymac. Every box is emblazoned with a modern Hero of the Faith™; I mean, can you imagine how good you’re going to feel seeing Joel Osteen smile at you as you do your morning devotions? We can also have a mascot for this one; a quail named Manny, whose only line is to ask “What is it?”
Not gonna lie, these are just straight-up Rice Krispies. The twist is in the marketing. These don’t Snap! Crackle! Pop! No, the key here is that after you pray for your breakfast, the sound you hear is actually the cereal speaking in tongues! That proves it’s spiritual! And I know what you’re thinking: “How do I know you’re not just exploiting my faith by reframing the sounds of a popular breakfast cereal”? Well, to know for sure, just send in 10 box tops and we’ll send you a free interpreter tool!
How many times have you
slept in been sick on Sunday only to realize you missed communion? Well, here’s your solution! I’m honestly not 100% sure how this would work yet. My first thought was that it was a cereal similar to Cinnamon Toast Crunch, with the exception that you pour in grape juice instead of milk. But that sounds kind of unappetizing. So maybe it’s the toast idea, but with little grape-colored berries. Whatever it is, it’s your opportunity to take communion the way you’ve always dreamed: In your pajamas, while watching your pastor on your tablet as your kids mess up the house! Is it a sacrament? Sacrilegious? Yes! It’s Sacrilicious!
This is just a collection of brown tablets that you’ll confuse with mouse poop if it spills on the floor. It is loaded with a dangerous amount of fiber. You’ll have to look carefully for the box: it’s just a plain white container with no photos and the cereal’s name is in black Helvetica. You are to eat it silently, and the only prize you get is a Bill Gaither cassette tape. This cereal is unpleasant. It’s designed only to increase your morning grumpiness and make your bowels feel like they are going to burst. In short, it makes you feel like a true Baptist.