Getting along with others. The phrase alone makes us sigh. We love the idea of unity, but not when its application requires us to get along with others. In my ministry experience, I’ve truly loved some of the people I’ve worked with over the years. Some were good, important, fun, spiritual, and special in my life. We’ve all worked with people who were game changers, trail blazers, and had profound impacts on our lives and work. Some were leaders, mentors, and some still, were friends. We cherish these people in our hearts, whoever they were, for the legacy they left on our lives.
Most ministers get along well with most of the people they work with closely. This is true even if they don’t stick around for the long-term. Some are great friends for a season; later in time, we drift apart. Others are moderately supportive, flipping back and forth, but good in a pinch.
Then…there is everyone else. The people we don’t like…or that don’t like us. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone in church likes everyone else. “Like” has far more to do with ministry than we’d like to admit. We do speak often on love, but it’s unspoken that ministers align quickly where they feel comfortable. It’s more desirable to focus on things other than flaws, and we enjoy the comfort aspects of a God that’s on our side. We don’t care for the flip side of things: we aren’t perfect in ourselves. And, as imperfect people with flaws, hurts, issues, and personal tastes, we don’t get along with everyone else.
In this column, we will explore how to work with people we don’t like (and those who don’t like us). Getting along matters, even if it’s only to complete a specific task in the Kingdom.
Don’t assume the early church always “got along”
Growing up, we all got the impression from somewhere that the early church was perfect, with no problems. The more I study Scripture as an adult, the more I realize what a struggle it was for many Bible figures in getting along well with others. Peter and John didn’t like each other. Paul and Barnabas ran into issues, so much so that they parted ways in ministry. The Twelve argued among themselves as to who was the greatest. Peter and Paul disagreed at points, so much so they called each other out. Never assume everything in the early church was constant sunshine and roses, because it wasn’t.
What did they know about getting along with others? The most important work in the world, that of the Gospel, does not require everyone to like everyone else. Their focus was not on everyone’s personalities, but on the the advance of God’s Kingdom. If we look at them honestly, their differences offer us important perspectives, all of which fit together like a giant faith puzzle. Our differences work things out not just within ourselves, but within the Kingdom. This only happens when we willingly work with people we don’t like – and that don’t like us.
It’s not to say it’s easy to do, but if you are ready to grow within yourself and grow as a believer, working with people you don’t like is an important part of the process.
There’s a difference between not getting along and being disagreeable
Proverbs 25:24 warns us about disagreeable people:
It is better to live in a corner on the roof than in a house with a contentious woman. (ISV)
Before we jump to isolate context of this passage, contention is a state of being; it doesn’t have a gender. This verse uses an example, not an across-the-board fact for all time. The focus is not on the gender of the individual, but on the fact that contention within a household is a terrible thing.
That being said, there are people that don’t get along with anybody. Whether they are gossipy, controlling and mean, or seem like the devil disguised as a nasty angel, these types aren’t just about not getting along; they are disagreeable. In such an instance, it’s about more than getting along with others. I’d say don’t deliberately try working with these types, but sometimes God uses such situations, even to our chagrin. Along these lines, however, there’s nothing wrong with being cautious in your alliances. You don’t need to try working with a contentious person to prove something about yourself. Identify situations and act accordingly.
Make sure God is in the equation
Jesus Himself told us:
For where two or three are gathered in My Name, there am I among them. (Matthew 18:20, ESV)
Whether we like everyone around us, Jesus is in our midst, functioning as an agent of grace between us. I do believe that not everyone is for everybody, but “like” can’t be the deciding factor in every instance. Sometimes we just know we are supposed to be working with someone else for a reason, even if we don’t understand it right now. If this is the situation, keep God in it, especially when it gets hard. Be prayerful, keep your devotions, and ask God to reveal whatever it is He desires as the end result.
You will be misjudged
Have you ever had someone assume that because you work with someone else, you are personally suited to that individual? Have you heard prophecies that, because two people work together, they should get married, date, or become close friends? I can testify through my own experience that every time this happened, the “prophecies” didn’t manifest. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that things on the surface equate to behind-the-scenes harmony. It’s perfectly fine for a relationship to be for Kingdom work, and nothing else.
On a side note, remember the words of 2 Peter 2:1: But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. (ESV)
Working with someone you don’t like, or who doesn’t like you, is an extraordinary task. It takes the work of the Spirit to realize the gift within another, respecting that gift even if it’s not in a personality package you’d prefer. If you’re good at it, don’t be surprised if others can’t tell how you really feel toward each other. Don’t feel pushed to make things anything other than they are, but expect that someone might try.
Don’t force yourself on others
If people are supposed to work together, the inclination to do so lines up at some point in time. You might know it before the other individual (or vice versa), but at some point in time, it is clear to both parties. If you are both where you need to be in Christ, you will figure things out. Step back and wait a bit before trying to make something happen out of nothing. Amos 3:3 reminds us:
Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet? (ESV)
We cannot work with other people if they aren’t willing, nor if they aren’t ready to do so yet.
Others will not understand
Whether recognized or not, getting along with others is an art form. There’s a reason you like who you like, and a reason you don’t like who you don’t like. Our friends and close associates believe in us and like attributes we have, and vice versa. Thus, when you work with someone you dislike (or who dislikes you), the support bases you both have won’t, most likely, like the other.
Once upon a time, I worked with someone I initially didn’t like. I felt he was into some strange doctrines, and that made me leery. As time went on, I trained him. He got better, but eventually slumped back into his weird and strange theologies. In the middle, I filled in for him as an interim minister during his hiatus. It was shocking to see that the people he worked with didn’t really care for me. They were rude and nasty most of the time. I thought they would appreciate someone was seeing their needs were met and that they could continue to have their regular worship cycles and spiritual interaction.
Looking back, I’m not sure why it was such a shock to me. I didn’t particularly like any of them, either. If I didn’t like their leader, why was I going to like them? It’s too much to expect that your people will like this person and that you will like their people – because there’s a reason you don’t like each other. However, it’s unacceptable for people on either side to act with disrespect. We all must remember:
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. (Luke 6:31, ESV)
Submit to one another, as unto the Lord
We almost exclusively talk about submission in the context of marriages. The Bible, however, tells us the real goal of every relationship should be mutual submission among Christians:
Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One). (Ephesians 5:21, AMPC)
This is harder than it sounds, which is why we don’t hear about it often. The Scriptures literally encourage us to honor the abilities, gifts, talents, and purposes of one another and to serve one another. That’s a mighty big task, especially given we like to segregate ourselves according to comforts. Like it or not, submission is key to getting along with others. Working with someone you don’t like is a big lesson in submitting to one another, because the dynamic will not work without mutual humbling and mutual assistance. If one is doing it and the other is not, resentment and bitterness will result.
Be prepared to love when it’s hard…and love on purpose
The Bible tells us to love one another, not like one another. There are people who argue the point I am about to make, but God never said we have to like each other. He never expected we were going to all want to be around each other all the time, or have the same interests, or the same opinions. God did say that we have to love each other. One of the hardest things we will probably ever do in this life is deliberately love people who we don’t like.
There will be times when the “dislike” will be very high and very hard to handle, but God still expects you will love those people and show them God’s love in your life. Doing things for others, showing appreciation, showing gratitude, helping, and making an effort are all easy when you like others, but much harder when you don’t. Doing so doesn’t mean you are fake, it means you are mature enough to control yourself and realize this ministry thing isn’t all about you, all the time. Live Philippians 2:3 in a situation where you don’t like someone, and you can do it anywhere:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. (NIV)
Be prepared to be uncomfortable
Ecclesiastes 5:1-3 provides brilliant wisdom on handling awkward situations:
Watch your steps when you go to God’s house. It’s more acceptable to listen than to offer the fools’ sacrifice—they have no idea that they’re acting wrongly. Don’t be quick with your mouth or say anything hastily before God, because God is in heaven, but you are on earth. Therefore, let your words be few. Remember: Dreams come with many cares, and the voice of fools with many words. (CEB)
Working with people we don’t like is uncomfortable. Sometimes you won’t know what to say, how to act, or what to do, especially at first. It is especially uncomfortable to work with another person who doesn’t move in quite the same way you do. This is different from someone who does not follow protocol and fails to follow rules, or who somehow creates disruptions in events or does not obey the way they should. In such instances, such behavior needs to be addressed by an authority figure in that individual’s life.
Prepare for questions about authority
When dislike is present, we often don’t fall naturally into positions with them. Control can be a problem when people don’t get along. Trying to figure out the details of a relationship where dislike is present can be tricky, but not impossible. Romans 12:10 tells us:
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (NIV)
Mutually recognizing each party will have to give in at points is not only a saving grace, it is also one that grounds both parties from thinking one is there exclusively for the other.
Prepare for jealousy
Relationships with a strong characteristic of dislike are competitive by nature. Our fallen, sinful nature wants to “outdo” those we dislike with a passion, because we want to think we are better than they are. Your fleshly nature is going to be jealous when this person you dislike gets promoted, and their fleshly nature is going to be jealous when you get promoted. It’s precisely this situation by which we learn how to die to ourselves and esteem the work of the Kingdom over our personal likes and preferences. It’s not an accident Galatians 5:26 advises us:
Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. (NIV)
Prepare for judgment
Most of us believe the way we handle ministry is correct. If we didn’t believe it to be correct, we would do it another way. This doesn’t mean everyone else sees it that way. It also doesn’t mean everyone else does things in the same manner. Be prepared to see the world through entirely different eyes at times, and incur the assumption that you are doing something wrong, living some way wrong, and some bossy person intimating you are wrong through implication. Don’t immediately assume they are wrong, but don’t also immediately assume they are right.
Be objective enough to recognize that sometimes people see things in us that we do not see ourselves. Be mature enough to accept correction when it is deserved – and cast off that which is wrong. Sometimes this means standing up for yourself and correcting that individual, and at other times, it means letting things go with grace. Also make sure that you aren’t randomly judging others or the person you are working with, simply because you don’t like the way they do something.
Be prepared for “sandpaper”
I don’t agree that the reason we dislike others is because they have traits that we have within ourselves that we dislike. I believe that we dislike other people because we simply don’t like them, and it is often because they are different from us in a way that rubs us the wrong way.
People are all different. We have different backgrounds, different upbringings, different interests, and different gifts. These differences cause us to be different, to notice different things, and to flow in different ways. God put us here to be different, not to all be the same all the time. It’s these differences that help us to polish ourselves: we learn how to argue our position a little better, we grow when we see things from someone else’s perspective, we strengthen what we believe, and we change what we don’t. By working with those we dislike, we become better people ourselves, learning to:
Walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us… (Ephesians 5:2, AMPC)
Be prepared for conflict
People who don’t get along argue. Getting along with others isn’t always the focus. They fight, they disagree, they don’t see eye-to-eye. There is nothing wrong with conflict; the problem is with unresolved conflict. This is why the Bible tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:13:
Be at peace among yourselves. (KJV).
Peace doesn’t mean the absence of issues, but that those issues are resolved in a mature and respectful fashion. If you are going to work with someone you dislike, be prepared to have to talk things out and work out differences of opinion. Be prepared to feel attacked at times and to know how to respond in kind. We all know these instances arise so that we can learn to handle matters and to walk in forgiveness. Most importantly, know when to leave things be or when to discuss them. Sometimes people aren’t where they need to be for things to work out properly and that means the argument will accomplish nothing except for attack and offense…so pray about the proper course of action in each conflict.
Be prepared for departures
People are still people, no matter how much they want to do in ministry. Getting long with others can be a challenge. Dislikes are a major reason for conflict, which means departures are often inevitable. If people are unable to follow Biblical protocol for maintaining peace and resolving conflict, it will be impossible for someone to stay in someone else’s life or ministry work. It’s a mistake to assume, however, that when dislike is a factor, people stop working with you because you did something to offend them.
We can do everything possible, and some people will leave, anyway. Sometimes the flesh just gets the better of people, and their own unspoken envy, jealousy, and bitterness starts to creep in. Sometimes seasons are just up, and people have done all they can for this part of your ministry or life. Be prepared that working with someone who dislikes you (or you them) means departure is always a possibility. While doing such may mean there are consequences (especially if they behave badly – obviously that cannot go unspoken), it is best to truly wish someone else well and part on as decent of terms as possible, as Numbers 6:24-26 says:
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. (ESV)
Getting along with others matters. Do your best, and let God do the rest.
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