Sex and the Single Witch

I have a confession to make: I’ve been celibate for three years. I know, I wrote Sacralizing Sex: Love as an Act of Worship so you’d think I must at least be getting down semi-regularly to be passing myself off as a guru of sorts. I’m a fraud. Galina Krasskova’s Honoring Sexuality Through Celibacy has made me fess-up.

I can hear your dismay. “But Star! You’re SO COOL with your writing and pink hair…. Surely YOU have a significant someone!” Ok, so you’re not saying that. That’s fine. This is the diffidence of the web. I respect your ambivalence about the relative “coolness” of my hair.

Still, what’s up with my singleness? My one-ness? My unattachedness? Did I, like Galina, have religious reasons? Do I smell bad? Why is someone who took the trouble to praise the sacredness of sex without a lover?

The answer is far from lofty and very ordinary. After a divorce and a series of unhealthy short term relationships I decided I needed a break to think. No set time limit. No real goal. No true aceticism. I ogled men, fantasized and even gave a couple of guys some serious consideration. I just didn’t date or have sex.

See, there aren’t that many single Pagan men around, much less ones I’m attracted to. After attending a Pentecostal church for one boyfriend and contemplating sending hypothetical kids to Hebrew school with another, I don’t feel like compromising on my faith anymore. When you consider in non-religious factors like age, location, smoking, drugs, kids, income, humor, intelligence and looks, the field gets awfully narrow.

There are sites out there that try to hook Pagans up and there are festivals where you can meet people, but it’s still a small pool to choose from. Add in the fact that Pagans are more accepting of polyamory and bisexuality and you find yourself with more criteria to weigh. Quite frankly, it’s exhausting.

Just because I didn’t have much of a plan when I became celibate didn’t mean I didn’t learn important lessons. I’m far less likely to be interested in someone based on physical attraction today and I’m certainly not interested in anyone who wants me to be less than I am: less Pagan, less opinionated, less liberal, less independent.

Before this period of celibacy I engaged in shameful compromise of myself and my values for lovers. I’m not saying it’s been a cure-all, as I have and will make relationship mistakes in the future, but it’s been an important growing experience.

I no longer need a lover to believe in me because I believe in myself. I don’t need a date to go to social events because I am an interesting person in my own right. I don’t need a breadwinner because I bring home my own bacon. Yes, sexual relationships are holy, but I don’t need a lover to know I am holy in my own right.