Not All Gods Will Like You

Ironically, just as I was gearing up to write this post, Cara Schultz does a very lovely blog about Aphrodite. Which you might want to read because my post isn’t nearly as lovely.

See, Aphrodite loathes me. Nothing personal, just part of Olympian politics. As a devotee of Hephaistos, her scorned husband, I will never have a warm loving relationship with the lovely Cyprian. Which is fine by me.

Let’s backtrack. You know the story of Aphrodite and Hephaistos, right? I know how you heard it: ugly lame dude is given gorgeous babe, who runs around on him with the hunky Ares, and then he gets laughed at when he tries to expose their affair. Gee, sounds like she got stuck with a loser, right?

Let’s look at this story again, and I’ll give you fair warning: although the events are historically documented the interpretation is UPG(unverified personal gnosis). But hey, all myths started somewhere, right?

So when Zeus and Hera were having a grand marital row (Zeus put his lady in fetters for opposing him) Hephaistos tried to come to his mother’s aid. Zeus cast him from Olympus, causing him to be lame forever. How tragic that after rebelling against his father to come to his mother’s aide, his mother turned from his deformity. In an act of poetic justice Hephaistos made his mother a golden throne and sent it to her. Likely she thought he must be trying to win her favor and didn’t suspect it was a trap. The throne held her fast and she could not move. When entreated by the Gods to free his mother, Hephaistos responded “I have no mother”.

This Rebel God had turned against both of his parents and refused to return to Olympus. Zeus lacked thunderbolts. Hera was imprisoned on a lovely throne of gold. Eros went without arrows. There was no one to make the wondrous and magical gear of the Gods, for Hephaistos had chosen to live among men. He even permitted Prometheus to “steal” his sacred fire to give to mortal men. Olympus was desperate.

Dionysus, that God of abandon and revelry, visited Hephaistos. Plying him with wine and making merry Dionysus led him in a festive parade back to Mount Olympus. Only the blurred reality, the unaccountable acceptance of the Dionysian revel could make Hephaistos feel like an Olympian again and take his place among the Gods once more.

However, Zeus had his revenge. See Zeus had a problem and her name was Aphrodite. She was was smokin’. Stacked. Hot to trot. Every immortal wanted to do unspeakable and lascivious acts to her. Bloodshed seemed inevitable. Then Zeus got an idea. An awful idea. Zeus got a wonderful awful idea!

Who could begrudge the lame smith a beautiful wife? And how Hephaistos would hate being chained to such a wanton creature! He’d already stated he fancied Athena, the ultimate geek-girl, and was rebuffed by her. If a guy is enamoured of Ellen Page he’s not likely to be happy with Megan Fox. So Zeus foisted off Aphrodite against her will on Hephaistos, thus averting war among the Gods and ruining Hephaistos domestic felicity.

When Aphrodite began having assignations with that studly Ares, Hephaistos thought he’d found a way out of an untenable situation. Most people assume Hephaistos revealed his cuckold status as an attempt to end the affair and keep Aphrodite to himself, but I have it on good authority he was hoping for a divorce. So he trapped the adulterous pair in the act and tossed their naked selves before the Gods of Olympus to witness the indiscretion. What Hephaistos hadn’t counted on was that the whole situation was funny as Hades.

There he stood, hands on hips, showing them his wife was unfaithful and could he get rid of her now? Please? Only Hephaistos would be in such a hurry to get rid of the lovely Aphrodite. It was simply too funny for words.

Although still married, Hephaistos and Aphrodite went their own ways. She was adored far and wide and had many lovers. Hephaistos settled down with Charis, one of the lovely Graces, whose charm and creativity suited his own inventive and fiery temperament.

I am devoted to Hephaistos passionately. He is my “Papa Festus”. I had to be persistent in my offerings before he accepted me as his own. He’s not interested in having devotees but he likes clever apprentices. He approves when I’m creative, ingenious and productive and gives me his blunt, gruff opinion when I’m slacking. I adore him with the whole of my heart and serve him gladly.

However, Aphrodite doesn’t approve of my devotion to her husband’s ideals. She finds him dull, dour and cruel, tinkering around his smithy and keeping company with such oddballs as Dionysus and Prometheus. He created her mortal rival, Pandora, the first woman, and Aphrodite has had to deal punishment against female vanity ever since. I am not loved by Aphrodite. I am despised of her. And that is ok.

See, not everyone is going to like me. In my life I will offend people, I will be unable to connect with people and I will conflict with other people. Love for all humankind is an ideal, not a reality, and seeking for every person’s approval is a sure path to disaster. It is the way of the world.

Some people view the Gods as this benevolent and all-loving heavenly family, despite what the myths and lore tell us. I feel this is a misguided view of polytheism. Not all Gods will love you, neither will you love all Gods. Odin would like to own me, but I do not trust the All-Father. The Morrigan fascinates me but she has no interest in me.

Your spiritual family is a unique thing and to be cherished. Know that you will form deep, lasting s connections to amazing Deities, productive but fleeting connections with others and some Gods may simply hate you. Paganism doesn’t transcend life, it embraces it and not loving everyone is ok. Just be sure you love someone.

And me? Well, I’m not in mourning over Aphrodite’s dislike of me. We simply avoid each other like a goth and a prep at the prom. Besides, I’ve formed deep, abiding relationships with other Goddesses, who whisper their secrets of love, sex and glamour to me. All the while, Papa Festus tells me bad relationships are never worth staying in, hold out for a love built on mutual respect and check my oil more often.