Top Ten Things This Pagan Is Doing Come The Rapture

Since Lettermen seems to be allergic to funny lately, I’ve decided to write my own Top Ten List today. After all, it’s predicted the Rapture will happen at 6 pm tonight. PST, I think.

10. Staying Off The Roads Tonight

Let’s face it: the majority of folks in the US are Christian, and should the Rapture come this evening a bunch of cars, trains, planes and other heavy machinery suddenly without a driver. Nothing says creepy like a semi-driver suddenly called to Jesus on the interstate.

9. Dibs On The Catholic/Episcopalian Churches

As buildings they are simply lovely with tall stained glass windows and I could find a good use for them. So hands off, I call dibs.

8. Enjoying Being In The Religious Majority

There be a lot of Pagans in my town, and come the Rapture, we become the largest religious group in this county. Perhaps we may build roadside shrines. Or institute a weekly drumming circle on the town square. Or maybe finally get the ridiculous recycling issues straightened out in this county.

7. Buying Beer On Sunday

Georgia still has some antiquated religiously motivated laws on the books. Come the Rapture, I’m buying beer on Sunday.

6. Pagan TV

If the Rapture comes then TBN will be deserted. Shame to see that equipment go to waste. T. Thorn Coyle, Selena Fox, Patrick McCollum, Rev. Don Lewis, Jason Pitzl-Waters, Damh the Bard and many, many other great Pagan activists, writers, teachers, artists and journalists would get their own tv show. Oh, and I get to be the new pink-haired lady! With far less make-up…

5. Reclaiming Athens and Rome

Dude, we’d be bringing Pagan back to every church built on the ruins of a temple and you can bet your tookus we wouldn’t let anyone destroy ancient shrines for a slab of asphalt.

4. What Closet?

Yeah, that whole “will I get discriminated against for my faith?” thing would kinda evaporate.

3. Supply and Demand, Baby!

Fewer people equals higher demand for skilled people, which equals more ingenuity and stronger economy. Localvores and organics delight, because we will have to figure out new ways to maintain services and provide food. Luckily, most Pagans have got some decent knowledge, if not skill, when it comes to finding your entire electric company has been caught up.

2. The VA Will Have Thor’s Hammer As A Recognized Symbol

Who’s going to object?

1. Where’d All These Muslims Come From?

Oh yeah, Christians aren’t the only ginormous religion out there that doesn’t like us. Dang. Back to the drawing board.