Is The Bible Funnier Than The Bloggess?

Yesterday Adam Baldwin, best known to you as Jayne from Firefly or Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket, decided that Wil Wheaton was mocking the Bible in the video he helped create to promote Jenny Lawson’s (aka The Bloggess) new book.

What I find interesting about this is that it’s not mocking, but simply stating something so obvious it’s absurd to say. Jenny Lawson’s book is also funnier than the phone book, Stephen King’s The Stand and anything written by Lord Tennyson. Baldwin’s public fight-picking is for others to analyze. Despite having a more impressive resume than Wheaton, he seems at first glance to be jealous of Wheaton’s stellar geek following, no doubt enhanced by his voicing “various Romulans” in the J.J. Abrams Star Trek reboot. What I find far more interesting about the situation is examining the humor in the Bible.

By far the funniest story in the Bible takes place in the book of Genesis, in the Garden of Eden:

And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

Genesis 3:11-12

This particular translation is the King James Version, which can cloud the humor, and so I offer a translation into the peculiar idiom of my own native land:

The Lawd: Who let on you’re nekkid? Didja eat offen that tree, the one I toldja not to?

Adam: That there woman, who wasn’t my idea atall… You’re the one brought that danged hussy and her wiles around. I didn’t ask fer her atall, she was all yourn idea. She brought me me some victuals, and well, I et ’em.

As Larry the Cable Guy says, “I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.”

What makes it funnier is the big mouthed snake didn’t lie, yet he gets branded as a Deceiver for all eternity, and I believe it was Raven Grimassi who points this out in his latest book: Old World Witchcraft. You see the Tree of Life was also in Eden, distinct from the Tree of Knowledge. It is only logical to assume the Tree of Life has life-giving properties, obviously beyond providing mere sustenance. Adam and Eve were never forbidden to eat from it before Eve chatted with the snake. Therefore, Adam and Eve were not immortal by nature. God tells them eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge will kill them. If they are not immortal, then it only makes sense that this implies they will drop dead upon eating it, since they are already mortal. The snake points this out. In this story God lies and the snake tells the truth, but common perception has twisted this around the other day. That is also funny.

Are either of these funnier than The Bloggess? Let’s compare:

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

As funny as it is that Adam worked so hard to shift the blame before he fessed up to eating forbidden fruit, Beyoncé the giant metal chicken is far funnier. Adam being all shifty makes me quietly chuckle, with underlying feminist and polytheist resentment. Giant metal chickens make me laugh out load, but not as loudly as Juanita, who is a taxidermied weasel dressed as June Cleaver.

As far as Wheaton’s assertion that Bible is supposed to make you afraid? Well, he’s right:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” (Prov. 1:7)

And Jenny’s claim that her book is better than the Bible? Well considering it’s being judged on it’s humor content in this scenario, she’s kind of right.

And all this reminds me of John Lennon’s patently absurd and smug assertion that The Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ. Jesus obviously appealed to a wider audience, his demographic covers all age ranges and he is an instantly recognizable figure in countries The Beatles had never even dreamed of touring in at the time.

So in conclusion, it’s objectively true that Jenny Lawson’s book is funnier than the Bible, the Bible’s own exhortations imply it is meant to make you afraid, and that, when judging on humorous content, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is a better book than the Bible to make you chuckle. Besides, the Bible is mythology, and Victor really does have a giant metal chicken named Beyoncé staring at him while he works. Truth is always funnier than fiction, even sacred fiction.

However, I must insist that The Bloggess is not funnier than Lysistrata. Aristophanes was a very funny man.