Fresh Snark: Showtime’s “Polyamory: Married and Dating”

First things first, I know a bit about polyamory. I know some wonderful poly folks and have a lot of respect for that lifestyle choice. But I’m no expert. I’m not poly myself, mainly because I detest talking about feelings and relationships, but also because I find one man a lot of work and can’t imagine having time or energy for two or three. But for the purpose of watching Showtime’s Polyamory: Married & Dating I decided to play dumb. What would I learn about polyamory just from watching this show? *cue snark*

• Polyamory is about sex. Like all the time. Talking about it or doing it. Especially in the shower. But because you have to talk about permissions sex doesn’t happen as often as you like. Apparently a lot of people want or expect sex only to be disappointed when a lover puts their foot down or the poly party isn’t a wild orgy.
• All poly people are thin, attractive and under 45. There are no fat, ugly, or old poly people. Or gay poly men. It’s all straight dudes with cheesy haircuts and Hot Bi Babes.
• When you throw a party for someone, you totally invite the one person that makes them uncomfortable. And make them feel bad about not wanting to see the person their lover was sneaking around with. Just because the party is about them, doesn’t mean it’s about them.
• Poly people are uber-stylish. They would never wear crocs.
• Poly people have really hip names that are hard to spell phonetically.
• When you are attracted to someone it’s because they look hot, not because they are smart, funny or charming.
• Poly people don’t drink, do drugs, eat meat or wear shoes when they are trying to hook up.
• Poly women don’t wear bras, unless they have a really cool job as an exotic dancer.
• Apparently poly people don’t have kids.
• When you tell your lovers that you need some space, that is totally the cue for one of them to follow you out of the room to pursue the conflict further.
• Poly men smile all the time. It’s creepy.
• Poly men do not have facial hair.
• Getting some damn chocolate requires giving up some tongue.
• When your lover gives up some tongue for chocolate, you stare at them sourly and insist they wash their mouth out before they kiss you.
• A “party” involves sitting in a big-ass circle and sharing your “lovestyle” (I still don’t know what that is) stone-cold sober with a group of strangers for no discernible practical purpose. Maybe if you like someone’s “lovestyle” you will hook up?
• New people=fresh meat.
• To either please the show or make poly friends you have to drive all the way to San Diego. Doesn’t seem environmentally friendly.
• You have to have a commitment ceremony before your wedding.
• Some chick you just met will totally get all excited about planning your commitment ceremony.
• Half of poly people haven’t told their parents they are poly. Probably because their parents have Showtime.

Yeah, so my verdict is that this is a bad representation of polyamory as I understand it and have witnessed it among my friends. That said, it was a damn entertaining show for someone as horrible as myself. I cackled and went Mystery Science Theater 3000 on it. Which was fun because my roommates won’t let me do that to the Twilight movies.

So if you want to sit around and eat chocolate (without giving up any tongue) and snark as naked people with bad haircuts do annoying stuff on tv, this show is for you. I still think Family is a better representation of polyamory, but I will say that Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating is probably better for polyamory than Charlie Sheen. But it’s not really hard to be better than Charlie Sheen. I mean, even Snooki is better than Charlie Sheen.

I think I saw episode 5. Should I bring the snark again on Episode 6? Or is this enough?