When Kids Knowingly Disobey

“Mommy, can I have an apple?”

“No, dinner is almost ready.”

Crunch!

Eyes roll, deep breaths ensue, and prayers are uttered.

Does this ever happen in your home? It is an almost daily occurrence in my home. What are we as Christian parents supposed to do when our young children knowingly disobey? Let’s look at the problem from different angles to help us decide our action plan.

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What’s going on in my child when they knowingly disobey?

Now, not in every situation, but in this particular situation, my young child’s impulse control is simply not working because it is not developed enough. She is still young and the frontal lobe, where impulse control is, is not fully developed until her mid-twenties. 

Self-control is also a fruit of the Spirit, which shows me that she also needs time and help from the Holy Spirit to grow in this area. It is not something we as humans can do perfectly and consistently. 

Paul knows this feeling all too well and describes it in Romans 7:7-25.

“I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” Romans 7:19 NLT

Does this mean we ignore it? No, in understanding our child’s development we can respond in empathy and like God with lovingkindness, gentleness, understanding, and patience. 

What’s going on in me when my child knowingly disobeys?

Instantly when I hear that crunch after I have said “no,” I feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, ignored, disrespected, unheard, and like a failure as a parent. I have already been interrupted while cooking dinner with the same question asked by the same child who was given the same answer yesterday and the day before. She knows we don’t eat right before dinner…

Pause. Pray. Prioritize. Plan.

It has taken years for me to get to the place to even ask myself this question when something like this happens. And, why is this an important question? Because it helps me distinguish my baggage from 40 years of life with what is really happening here in the situation. 

My child will not benefit from a reaction to something that happened in my childhood. My child needs a thoughtful, wise, and safe response that will allow them to see God, feel understood, receive love, experience grace, and learn another way of handling the situation next time.

If I don’t pause, pray, prioritize my goals, and plan my response, I will be modeling the lack of self-control I am trying to teach my child in the moment. How I respond and reflect God matters.

How does God respond when we knowingly disobey?

“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?” Romans 2:4 NLT

God created us in his image and called us very good. Yes, we are sinners and God knows the depth of this, but even after sin enters the world he still crowns us “with glory and honor.” Psalm 8:5 NLT and Hebrews 2:7 NLT

How does God respond when we knowingly disobey? He sent Jesus to redeem us with his very own life.

How can living in this truth influence our parenting? I can’t answer that for you, but for me, I try to reflect God’s kindness, patience, and gentleness. I practice empathy, I remember Jesus, and teach wisdom. 

I mess this up more than I get it right some days. And on those days, I am so grateful for the Holy Spirit’s gentle conviction, God’s forgiveness, and Christ’s sacrifice. I apologize and try again.