When the Present You Have Is Not the Future You Expected

You were only at the beginning.

Even though you’d already been through some hard times, some heartache, you’d survived. Things weren’t settled; nothing was settled.

You could envision the future, and it looked good. Even though life itself was more grimy than glorious, you ate the energy of that vision, you saw the future stretched out bright and glimmering. Anything was possible. Everything was going to be fine.

That was before you lost your mom to cancer, or your dad to suicide, or your baby to SIDS, or your best friend to a tragic car wreck.

That was before the divorce, before the bankruptcy, before the rape, before the custody trial, before the scandal, before the depression.

Tales and Maxims from the Midrash: Midrash Psalms

A father and his son being on a long journey, the son said that he would like to know when they would arrive at the end of it. The older man replied that when they saw a cemetery they might hope to arrive at the town soon. Similarly our Heavenly Father indicates to us that when heavy persecution and sorrow meet us we may hope to be brought to Him, to a haven of rest and shelter. The whole of our history tends to show that, when distress was at its greatest, God was nearest.

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That was before your child went off to serve her country and came back broken, traumatized, and hard.

Before you watched your son lose himself to drugs over and over again.

Before you lived through the stigma of abuse, mental illness, or addiction.

Before your own body betrayed you to a sickness you didn’t even understand, before you lost everything, before faith in the goodness and potential of humanity was shattered.

The Masnavi: Book I, Story VII by Rumi

Tell forth the tale of the Beloved, every whit!
For through coquetry His glances are still inflicting fresh wounds on my heart.
I gave Him leave to shed my blood, if He willed it; I only said, “Is it right?” and He forsook me.
Why dost Thou flee from the cries of us on earth?
Why pourest Thou sorrow on the heart of the sorrowful?
O Thou who, as each new morn dawns from the east, Art seen uprising anew, like a bright fountain!
What excuse makest Thou for Thy witcheries?

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Those were the days when you could believe in a future that glowed, that would settle calmly around you like the rays of the sunset, when all the people you loved would be strong and healthy and happy, when the pain of life in-the-present would surely not touch you, surely not.

Now you’re living in the future, and it looks different than the picture you had.

What do you do?

Do you focus, again, on an unreal future? Do you deny the present? Do you live in dreams of what-might-be? Do you check out, emotionally and mentally, distracting yourself from reality?

The Dhammapada: Chapter VI, The Wise Man

A wise man should leave the dark state (of ordinary life), and follow the bright state (of the Bhikshu). After going from his home to a homeless state, he should in his retirement look for enjoyment where there seemed to be no enjoyment. Leaving all pleasures behind, and calling nothing his own, the wise man should purge himself from all the troubles of the mind. [Source]

It’s only by facing the present that we learn to love it and find in it the future we hoped to have.