To Give a Defense
It is indeed a melancholy object, dear reader, to contemplate the masses (we speak with no disrespect for the Mass) of people whose breasts are thrilled by the annual event known as Super Bowl Sunday. There is, for example, this picture of Times Square, decked out with full banners proclaiming the arrival of holy day. Thus do some use the nation’s hysteria, over a game, as an opportunity to sell merchandise (and get filthy lucre). There is also this story, at one of the nation’s local news sites, informing us that Pizza Hut—Pizza Hut alone!—is prepared to sell more than 2 million pizzas. As yet one more small sign of this same mania, the New York Times (which used to be our newspaper of record before we were stormed by what optimistically calls itself the “New Media”) reports that one Mr. John Chen—a Seattle Seahawks fan still fuming about a theft that happened nine years ago, but who has a childlike faith in justice and restitution—“is selling 88 game, hotel[,] and party packages for $30,000 each.” Just to imagine! $30,000 for the sake of one game. For Mr. Chen, in whose Seattle breast hope springs eternal, that means a profit of $2,640,000. If Denver wins, he will have at least that consolation. Rocky Brougham, a Broncos fan, is using the occasion to dress up as a leprechaun.
The reason all this is melancholy is not because hysteria is bad, but because it is directed at the wrong object. Imagine a nation in which banners were put out in Times Square proclaiming: “The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, today at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.” Imagine jerseys being sold to promote the event. Imagine pizza parties across the nation after Holy Mass. Imagine someone willing to pay $30,000 in order to have a front-row seat at Mass.
We believe that we have discovered the way by which that may happen. Not only will it increase attendance at Mass, and excitement about the Mass, but it will greatly increase the relevance of the Mass as well. (At least in this nation.) Now, we understand that some may laugh at this proposal, some may be offended, and some may assume that this is all a good-natured joke. But hear us through. We speak in earnest; this is not Eye of the Tiber. We do not pen inanities for The Onion. We are sober critics and essayists here. And we wish to propose a new liturgy.
Just as the priest schedules sacristans and Extraordinary Ministers before each Mass, so he will schedule team captains. The team captains will station themselves at their assigned row of pews 30 minutes before the start of each Mass. Those who arrive early will have their choice of captain. Those who arrive late will have to accept whichever captain has remaining seats. That will ensure that people will have the necessary zeal to arrive at Mass early; possibly smashing into each other’s cars in the parking lot and racing each other down and tailgating, just in order to do so. That is what is known in this nation as fun. See all the people who just can not wait to get to Mass!
Each team captain will be responsible for rallying his team to be the holiest when praying, and to cheer Father the loudest throughout his homily. There will be extra points given for those who boo the loudest over the unholiness of the other team. I know that Joe over on Dave’s team never liked Father and is just being a sycophant for points. He is a dishonest cheater; always has been, and always will be.
Some might say there should be penalties for such unnecessary judgment. But Joe is only being given the opportunity to repent of his sins. Now that everyone’s attention is on Joe, he’s likely to break down and admit that he didn’t really go to confession beforehand either, and yes, he really did always hate Father. This will be a good experience for Joe, considering that Dave’s team will now get additional points for the great contrition of one of its members.
During half-time—formerly known as “the sacrifice of the Mass”—the priest will consecrate hot dogs and beer while scantily-clad cheerleaders for the Holies and the Unholies (Dave’s team) prepare to serve. The cheerleaders will rally their respective teams to cheer “Give me an E! Give me a U! Give me a C! Give me an H! Give me an A!” and so forth. And because the cheerleaders are Extraordiary Ministers of Holy Communion, there will be more knocking-of-each-other down (at least among the men) to receive the consecrated hot dogs and beer. Some might say that wives will be irritated by all of this; but on the contrary, we believe they will be touched by their husbands’ newfound devotion to the body and blood of Our Lord.
Other naysayers, mainly of the Rorate Caeli variety, will protest that scantily-clad cheerleaders at Mass will lead to an increase in concupiscence. On the contrary, we believe that the open display of flesh will increase, not concupiscence, but devotion to Bl. John Paul II’s great teaching on the Theology of the Body. And a devotion to the theology of the body has been well-shown to strengthen marriages.
After half-time, when the sacred body (hot dogs) and precious blood (beer) of Our Lord has been devoured and guzzled, the final prayers will be said, and the attempts to score points for holiness tallied. In the event that the Mass has to go to sudden death, a punter from each team will be on hand to try to score a goal through the halo over Mary’s head. In the sacred liturgy, this is what is known as the Hail Mary punt. Whichever team’s punter lands the ball through the halo will win. If both punters score the goal, they will repeat the process until such time as one of the two misses.
Then the priest will solemnly proclaim: The Mass has ended. Go and eat pizza.
No one will think of missing Mass again, and the holiness of the nation will be restored.
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