When we begin to question our beliefs or go through deconstruction, eventually we realize we have evolved past what we once accepted. I remember thinking, “that seems silly to me now,” and then I felt guilty for feeling that.
Once we change a few beliefs and begin questioning practices, we can quickly feel alienated. Laura and I describe that it feels like we are wandering “out into the desert.”
Because religions also employ complicated systems of fear and control, their first reaction is shaming, even when they don’t intend to. Religious organizations need people to sustain them and they are in a constant recruiting posture, so when someone leaves or separates slightly it causes them to fear and then control.
For many reasons, it’s okay to evolve and deconstruct our faith. As Brad jerzak points out in his new book, Out of The Embers, we have been doing this as long as Christianity has been a thing. It’s natural, healthy and necessary.
Realize these things.
1. Religions have deep systemic problems
We could argue all day about who is worse and that our church is better than the one down the street. In my mind, Evangelical churches are the worst of the worst. While that is most likely true, it doesn’t change the fact that churches are organizationally basically the same.
Religious organizations harbor abusers, shame victims and provide environments that cause abuse to continue. The abuse is often subtle. Things like confirmation classes, other means of indoctrination, and toxic doctrines are just a few of the ways fear and control cause churches to make the problems worse.
It’s very hard for them to change from the inside because the organization comes first, and most of the energy is directed towards recruiting new members and protecting and running the organization.
2. Religious organizations have an “other” attitude.
Some call it common enemy intimacy, which means they hate the same people. For some, It is homosexuals, and for others it’s just a different kind of church.
Whether religious organizations want to admit it or not, when we stop attending , we become much less important. We become part of the “other.” Most churches would deny this, but that doesn’t make it not true.
Since I had my stroke, very few if any people from my former churches have reached out to me. To be honest, that doesn’t hurt my feelings too bad because I don’t know if I could stand the misguided views of those within the walls. I have moved on.
3. Eviolving is necessary
Churches, organizations and people that don’t evolve along with the world tend to become irrelevant to it. My ancestors might have been people that made great wagon wheels, but eventually they would not be able to survive if they doggedly were determined to keep making wagon wheels and because it was what they have always done. By the way, they didn’t always make wagon wheels.
We used to grow frustrated with people inside the church that wanted to keep singing hymns when we wanted to sing praise songs. We wanted to incorporate musical instruments like electric guitars and met resistance. But as the world changes, we slowly have begun to realize how far behind we are.
Religion tries to scare us into thinking that this is somehow sinful; but many of the things that need to change are attitudes about mental health and things that can actually help us.
Access to information has skyrocketed in the last 20 years. The ability to meet online and find multiple sources of education and services boggles the mind.
To believe and live like we did 50 years ago seems a little bit like using a landline when we have a supercomputer resting in our palm. It not only serves as a phone, but has a library and a computer and a word processor, and an electronic bank teller just to name a few functions.
It is just about as ridiculous as a family that gets up early on Sunday morning, gets dressed, drives to a building, gives 1/10 of their income to an organization, listens to one person give a speech, listens to a mini concert, and then goes home. All the while realizing that the emotional lift they got from this experience likely won’t last past Monday.
The beliefs are antiquated. The methods are outdated. The abusive beliefs and practices are sometimes tragic. There are better ways to do almost everything that religion does, and probably the only thing that will force them to change is when they lose all their customers. The co-dependency that exists has to be broken.
So it’s okay to evolve past your religion. It’s what we have always done. Those that we evolve past are never going to like it. The wagon builders probably hated Henry Ford, but I’m glad people like him persevered. My smart phone is just one of the advancements I can’t live without.
Laura and I wrote a book called, Out into the Desert to take an honest look at organized religion in the 21st century. As you are evolving, this book can help guide you along in your journey. We hope you join the conversation.
Be where you are,
Be who you are,
Karl Forehand
Photo by Kilian M: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-holding-black-smartphone-taking-a-picture-of-brown-house-at-daytime-942825/
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In