The Fools Gold of a Misogynistic Narcissist
Recently, Josh Howerton, a mega-church pastor in Dallas, emerged from a marriage weekend to tell one of the most misguided jokes ever. It compared how important the wedding is to women to how important sex is to the man. This comparison is a fair point in its infancy, especially in the conservative evangelical circles where women are still demanded to fully submit to their husbands no matter how they feel or what their opinions are.
He commented, “On his wedding night, stand where he wants you to stand, wear what he wants you to wear, and do what he wants you to do.” He called it a “Gold Nugget!”
In his world, ideally, this woman would be a virgin offering herself up to him for the first time. She most likely would have organized her own wedding, dealt with all the stress of that day, and been totally exhausted when they got to the bedroom late that first night. Her job, in Josh’s eyes, is to miraculously transform into an experienced sex machine, give up her autonomy and put all of her wishes aside.
Those of us who have been married a little longer than this smooth-talking entertainer understand that what a woman wants most in a time like that is to be listened to and held and for her wishes to matter as much as his. He continues, “This will make him the happiest man alive!” I’ll just let you consider the shallowness of that statement for a while.
This is why we call purity culture r*ape culture because it suggests that men can’t control themselves, and that narrative is crafted into a strategy for a happy marriage. Submitting, then, is not mutual, and it’s not based on respect. It’s based on his animal instincts for procreation and pleasure. It ignores the dignity and autonomy of the woman and makes everything about his fragile ego.
My gut reaction is to tell these narcissists to spend some time understanding her and self-gratifying themselves until they understand consent. Marital r*pe and sexual terrorism are not your rights, and too many women have been assaulted in the pastor’s office, youth groups of churches, and bedrooms of fundamentalist complementarians.
These white male, hipster narcissists are not content with this domination of women in the bedroom. Across the U. S., they are trying to control religion, politics, and history. They can’t envision themselves like Jesus, who spoke truth to power. Instead, they demand reverence for themselves and for us to be captivated by every stupid, misogynistic, racist, homophobic thing they say. Remember, their ego is very fragile!
Women worldwide are rebelling against this pattern that should have died out long ago. I hear them screaming, “Listen to us, stop interrupting, and you need us for way more than just a place to park your penis!” And then, another suave entertainer steps up on stage and almost insists that the women in the crowd laugh at his stupid joke.
In every congregation of these men, there are hundreds of women who have endured abuse and are tired of it being blamed on them.
To the narcissistic pastors: It’s not funny. You don’t “need” sex, but you do need women, and you are about to find out how far you have drifted off course when they stop attending your churches, stroking your ego, or anything else for that matter. I hope you get better, but I haven’t seen any evidence encouraging me that you intend to improve. What good is it to gain the world and lose your soul (or destroy your partner’s soul)?
Be where you are, be who you are, be at peace.
Karl Forehand
An Open Letter to Pastors for Consideration
Evolving From Religious Trauma
Karl Forehand is a former pastor, podcaster, and award-winning author. His books include Out into the Desert, Leaning Forward, Apparent Faith: What Fatherhood Taught Me About the Father’s Heart, The Tea Shop and Being: A Journey Toward Presence and Authenticity. He is the creator of The Desert Sanctuary podcast and community. He is married to his wife Laura of 35 years and has one dog named Winston. His three children are grown and are beginning to multiply! You can read more about the author here.
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