Travel Tips for the Desert – Part 2
We often tell people that sometimes it feels like you are wandering out into the desert when you embark on a journey of discovery. That is why we call our podcast and this blog The Desert Sanctuary. That is especially true when you are deconstructing from religion. It is challenging work and there are no well-worn paths for you to follow, and it is best not to follow anyone’s specific path. This is your journey! However, after interviewing hundreds of people on our podcast, we noticed things people told us helped them in their journey. We continue to refine this in our writing and our interviews. Please take these as general guidelines and not requirements. You will have something to add to the list as well. If you missed part 1, check it out here.
1. Listen to survivor stories without judgment.
When we ask women who have survived abuse and narcissistic relationships within organized religion what men could do to help the situation most, they almost always say that they long for men to listen to women’s survivor stories. We’re encouraged, within religion, to study theology, leadership, and growth practices. Survivors’ stories are often overlooked because of the time it takes to develop relationships and foster good communication. Listening well and becoming an empathetic witness benefit all of us, not just women. Laura and I feel like we have learned so much by listening to people’s stories on our podcast. We always tell them that we hold their story to be sacred, that we will treat it with respect, and that we will do our best not to judge. Listening will help us learn to navigate our recovery in the desert.
2. Tell your story when you are ready.
In discussions with guests for our podcast, many of the people are not professional speakers or people who are used to having attention. So, they usually are a little nervous and we have to reassure them that we are not going to judge them because this is their story. But ultimately people don’t tell their story until they are ready. I think it is helpful to encourage you not to determine whether to tell your story based on your perceived ability or your previous experiences. In interviewing over 350 people, I suggest that the most important issue is to perceive when it is time to tell your story. When you are ready, your story will be authentic, real, and beneficial to others. If you do it for other reasons such as popularity, and it is not time, you will experience a less fulfilling result. Telling our stories is good for all of us. Our authentic, vulnerable story will bring healing, inform others, and help us experience authentic relationships. I contend we should have listened to fewer sermons and listened to each other a lot more. When you are ready, we would love to hear your story!
3. Learn to trust yourself.
Organized religion and most other organizations operate under the incorrect assumption that we cannot trust ourselves because we are inherently bad. In these organizations, the real and perceived hierarchical structures depend on a certain amount of shame to keep the organization running and under control. The organization always comes first before the individual, and one of the Christian beliefs is that because you are bad you can’t trust your intuition. Therefore, in my tradition, I was taught to Trust and Obey—and keep the questions to a minimum! When we are taught not to trust ourselves, we give up our power and our voice. Those appointed to discern what is best for the organization rarely have time for input from the people who sit in the sanctuary. The people who tell us what to believe, how to act, and what we should pay attention to, rarely have time to seek input from people who are not appointed to leadership. Religious institutions have in the past and continue to miss out on valuable input from most of the population. It will take some time but start now trusting yourself more. Intuition takes some time, and we must learn what it feels like to think for ourselves and make our own decisions. The helpful guides will show up when we need them, but none of us need a narcissist to berate us into submission every week. That is not intuition or wisdom-producing. It is power and control of the masses—it is abuse!
4. Learn to celebrate yourself.
Celebrating my accomplishments is something that I look forward to during every project, but it’s hard for me to do it. Several guides in my life, including my current therapist, have reminded me of this fact. This issue is a sticky situation I find myself in because I was taught early not to be proud. The definitions of what is pride and what is confidence, get tangled up in my ego and my false humility. Because developing the ego is a primary part of the first half of our life, we understand that we need to be determined and confident to accomplish goals. But if we don’t celebrate after each completion, then accomplishments only leave us with the ache of desire to achieve more. I realized I was conditioned to strive for something “significant” to do, and then I lost my way when I realized it’s possibly all in the definition of what is significant. Most pastors, church members, and civil servants are burdened with the injunction to “save the world.” After the last election, it’s easy to slip into the thought process that I could have done more, instead of just doing what I can and celebrating that. This thinking, although rooted in good intentions, can call us down dark pathways where our perceived ends justify the means. But even then, we don’t celebrate, because it’s never enough.
5. Trusted guides will arrive.
As a pastor, I used to seek out other pastors I perceived as more successful. I wanted to learn from them and somehow, I assumed that being associated with them would help me along in my journey to be a good shepherd. Most times, they would say to me “Karl, I don’t have any silver bullet—just keep doing what you are doing.” When someone in our field is perceived as the best, or the most successful, everyone wants to hear what they say. In theological circles, a few get all the attention and stand on the stage addressing the rest of us. Most of those in the crowd are wannabes of the people on stage. We assume because the system works for them, they can teach us how to work the system. I believe mentorship and guides best express themselves when we find them while on the journey, instead of making the journey about reaching the guide. I have personally experienced guides showing up in my life at strategic times when I needed them most. Every time this happens, I regret the time I wasted chasing after people who I wanted to like me, instead of waiting for them to come alongside me. Let us not recreate our future with the failed approaches of the past and set about being and becoming what we desire to be. The guides will be there when we are ready and when it is time! Stay tuned for more travel tips during the holidays! Be where you are, be who you are, be at peace, Karl Forehand Travel Tips for the Desert – Part 1 A Stroke and a Song Veterans Day and Violence Sneak Peek at our new Course
https://www.amazon.com/Evolving-Religious-Trauma-Karl-Forehand-ebook/dp/B0CWMJWY48/
https://thedesertsanctuary.org/treasure-trove/
Karl Forehand is a former pastor, podcaster, and award-winning author. His books include Out into the Desert, Leaning Forward, Apparent Faith: What Fatherhood Taught Me About the Father’s Heart, The Tea Shop and Being: A Journey Toward Presence and Authenticity. He is the creator of The Desert Sanctuary podcast and community. He is married to his wife Laura of 35 years and has one dog named Winston. His three c
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