What We Got Wrong About Behavior
It’s common to hear parents and teachers express frustration over the challenging task of parenting, teaching, and disciplining children. It can feel like you’re not doing anything right because of the inherent difficulties, and sometimes our misguided expectations. We’ve been influenced by our families, teachers, religious leaders, and personal experiences. However, at least for the past 100 years, we have also been misinformed.
Behaviorism
Whether we realize it or not, our perspectives on behavior are heavily influenced by B.F. Skinner and Behaviorism. If you don’t know, Behaviorism is “a psychological approach that emphasizes the importance of environmental consequences in shaping behavior. Skinner posited that both current and past consequences, alongside genetic factors, significantly influence how individuals behave. Central to this theory is the concept of operant conditioning, where behaviors are modified by reinforcements—events that increase the likelihood of a behavior recurring—and punishers, which decrease behavior frequency.”[1]
Most of us don’t even question this idea because we haven’t been exposed to or don’t know any other way. When we use reward and punishment to motivate children to behave (comply), it works for about 90% of children. It could be argued that it doesn’t work that well long-term because it only produces immediate results, but it may have long-term effects, such as trauma. Some children also experience neurodivergence and things that complicate their compliance with forced obedience.
Using the classroom as an example, when we yell, threaten, punish, restrict, and reward without understanding dysregulation and trauma, most students comply even if it harms them. When school, families, and religion become highly controlling, they may feel like they have succeeded because more people comply, but often there are casualties and damage resulting from their “progress.”
Teachers, parents, and religious leaders often say they spend most of their time on children who don’t follow rules. The natural response is to “do something” because they misbehave. We give a reward (carrot) or a punishment (stick), and when they still don’t follow, we assume they just don’t want to. Even worse, we label them as evil or “problems,” which makes the situation more complicated. The truth is, it’s not that they don’t want to; they just don’t know how.
Changing Direction
It helps to understand what discipline means. The concept of discipline comes from disciples (learners), emphasizing the importance of teaching (discipling). It’s that “As you walk along the way” type of teaching that is so helpful. Since a dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child, the necessary change calls us to, “Adults fix yourself first, address your trauma, and then provide care and training to the child.” Children learn emotional regulation by observing and mirroring the adults around them, especially their caregivers. See Dr. Bruce Perry for more detailed insights.
For help with neurodivergent and more “difficult” cases, seek out trauma-informed experts to explore the rapidly developing landscape around trauma and behavior. To dive deeper into the trauma-informed world, start with the following authors and groups:
- Lori L. Desautels (Revelations in Education)
- Joe Brummer (Building a Trauma-Informed Restorative School)
- Alice Miller (The Body Never Lies)
- Bruce Perry (Trauma Research Foundation)
- Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing)
- Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score)
- Attachment and Trauma Network (Ginger Healy and Julie Beem)
- Family Peace Initiative (Steve and Dorthy Hulley)
- ESSDACK (Rebecca Lewis-Pankratz)
- The Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (Guy Stephens)
Another Important Point
I was raised as a Christian from birth. I later served as a pastor for 20 years until I decided to deconstruct my faith and embark on a nomadic journey to discover truth and examine my faulty belief systems and experiences in pursuit of a more enlightened understanding. One of the strongholds was from the very core of the Christian faith, which actually originates in the Jewish scripture, The Ten Commandments.
The commandment states, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you”.
This commandment may be part of the problem of why behaviorism is not very effective. The thinking behind the commandment is that you obey it, and if you don’t, you’re sinful, bad, or don’t really want to be “good.” Notice the carrot and the stick of behaviorism. Notice how easy it is to draw narrow boundaries around honoring your parents, and it is also easy to dismiss those who don’t “honor” these assumptions. Shame, unpredictable outcomes, and trauma are likely to follow.
I was awakened to this idea in Alice Miller’s Book, The Body Never Lies. In this book, she states, “We sometimes spend all our lives obeying a phantom that goes by the name of upbringing, morality, or religion. It forces us to ignore, repress, or fight against our natural, biological needs, and, finally, we pay for this with illness that we neither understand nor want to understand.”
We end up compensating for this the rest of our lives.
I didn’t say that we shouldn’t follow our parents’ instructions. I believe it’s a mistake to assume that when children don’t do what we expect, they’re automatically rebellious, bad, or sinful. Some people point out potential dangers, but we can’t be in survival mode every day without traumatizing those we’re trying to help.
The commandment isn’t meant to be taken literally, as we often interpret it. For example, historical evidence shows that the promised reward doesn’t always match our experiences. People who honor their parents don’t necessarily live longer than others. What’s more important is the healthy attachment between caregivers and children, along with shared experiences that help them manage and understand their world. Maybe that’s what the commandment truly intended all along.
I strongly encourage everyone to learn about the brain and how trauma functions. We are in a troubling time, but the good news is that we are gaining a deeper understanding each day about how we hurt one another. I hope we shift from Behaviorism toward learning to walk together. As we learn from each other and experience life together, we will heal our generational trauma and create a different legacy.
Remember that behavior is a form of communication. Stay tuned for that discussion!
Be where you are, Be who you are, Be at peace!
Karl Forehand
[1] https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/history/radical-behaviorism-according-b-f-skinner
Learn to be Where You Are (Presence)
Learn to be Who You Are (Authenticity)
Finding Regulating and Somatic Healing
Are you genuinely committed to deconstruction and seeking more profound answers?
If that’s the case, this book was created for you. As a former pastor, I made the mistake of deconstructing a bit and then trying to start something new, as I was trained to do. The problem with that approach is that I wasn’t ready to begin something new.
I hadn’t delved deeply enough or asked enough questions. The first stage of deconstruction typically includes assessing our beliefs regarding hell and the afterlife, supporting queer individuals and women in their fight for equality, and achieving a better understanding of racism and privilege.
Many people in deconstruction communities expend significant effort criticizing Evangelicals and attempting to gain a following. While I believe they deserve intense criticism, this strategy fails to effectively tackle the problem because they generally don’t listen to us!
Our tendency to punish our former organizations sometimes overlooks the challenging process of healing and growth. It is the same trap we fell into in our former associations.
Campfires occupy a special spot in the mosaic of history. They act as communal hubs across different cultures and faiths. The campfire’s circular design fosters equal participation within the collective group. The flames at the center draw our focus and encourage face-to-face interactions as we exchange experiences, wisdom, and insights about the world beyond. It is where legendary myths and tales are born.
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Karl Forehand Campfires in the Desert – A Soft Book Release. Karl Forehand is a former pastor, podcaster, and award-winning author. His books include Out into the Desert, Leaning Forward, Apparent Faith: What Fatherhood Taught Me About the Father’s Heart, The Tea Shop, and Being: A Journey Toward Presence and Authenticity. He is the creator of The Desert Sanctuary podcast and community. He has been married to his wife Laura for 35 years and has one dog named Winston. His three children are grown and are beginning to multiply! You can read more about the author here.
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