This weekend, only a week and a half from a similar phone call, I received another call about a married for 30+ years friend, whose husband found another, much younger woman for himself. He came home, told her he didn’t love her anymore, and walked out. Unlike the first phone call, this woman is much better off because she has worked outside the home so she has the ability to live on her own without going on public assistance and she does not have young children, thank God.
At the same time I received these calls, I have also been reading a best-selling book given to my hubby & I from our marriage retreat called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. Typically I hate self-help books because they border on cheesy and tend to simplify complex situations. This book, though, is one of those books that all married couples should read. As a matter of fact, I have a mental list of couples who could benefit from the sound, simple,Biblical-based advice found between the covers. What are the Five Love Languages? Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch, Affirmation, and Acts of Service.
Chapman argues that each person has a primary preference on how they receive love and “emotionally feel” love. He also says that we tend to love people how WE want to receive love. So, for instance, a man who needs to hear words of affirmation will complement his wife. Yet she still isn’t happy? What is wrong with her. Turns out, yes she does like those words, but those words are empty to her if her husband doesn’t spend time with her. She is a Quality Time person. And since she doesn’t get enough time with him, she is angry and resentful and instead of affirming him (what he needs to feel loved) she nags him. Over a period of time, and for many couples, years, they don’t like each other and they cannot relate to each other.
Happily married couples don’t tend to look for ways to improve their marriage because they are happy. My hubby & I decided to put into practice the ideas from the book even though we didn’t think we had much to gain since we are happy. We discovered even though we have been together six years, we still have quite a bit to learn about each other. And since we have put into practice the great advice gleaned from such a small book, our relationship has only gained from deeper intimacy.
I have no idea if this type of book can save the above mentioned failed marriages. But I cannot help but think that people do not leave happy situations. I have not met one person who has cheated in their marriage who does so because they feel loved by their spouse. Usually the cheating is a desperate cry for help that backfires terribly on their intentions.
I guess if you want to know your spouse better and want to make them happy, I would recommend this book to you.
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