I hope I’m not violating the Seal of the Confessional by posting this. My understanding is that the Seal applies only to priests, and I think the advice that I received today after making my confession is worth sharing, but if I’m breaking some rule, let me know. In addition, I apologize if this post is a bit rambling and/or poorly written; I’m still trying to organize these thoughts in my own mind.
Anyway, I received the Sacrament of Reconciliation at the National Shrine today from a fairly young priest who I’d never seen around CUA before. For penance, he assigned me to say the Our Father and to meditate particularly upon the words “Lead us not into temptation.” He told me that based on my confession, it seemed to him that I was spending far too much time “wrestling with [my] vices” and not nearly enough time “wrestling with God.” It was time, he said, to stop “looking over my shoulder” at my faults, and instead to “look ahead,” to “get behind Jesus” and “let Him lead” me.
These words resulted in quite a bit of self-examination on my part, as I realized that too much focus on my sins and personal guilt can, in some sense, become a form of pride. As the Catholic musician Bob Rice wrote a while back, “I’m sure I am far more shocked about my sinful behavior than God is. I’m surprised by my sin; a sure sign of my pride that is at the heart of it.” God does not need our groveling; God does not need us to bemoan our sins; God does not need us come to Him and say, “Woe is me, for I have done such horrible things!” He already knows it better than we do, and does not need or (I believe) want a reminder. What I believe the Lord wants is for us to trust in Him, to turn to the Cross and be reminded that He is not only willing but indeed eager to forgive our sins.
Don’t misunderstand me: this isn’t just some happy-clappy feel-good I’m-OK-and-you’re-OK theology. For those who have honestly examined themselves and are aware of their sins, to believe and trust in unconditional Divine Mercy is the hardest thing in the world. For in our human folly, we believe that in order to “worthily” ask for mercy, we must first spend as much time as possible beating ourselves up, manufacturing feelings of guilt and humility, and shedding crocodile tears over sins of which God is already well aware. What rubbish! What arrogance and folly, to think that we can somehow make ourselves “more worthy” of God’s mercy! These actions are signs not of true repentance, but of a desire to think more highly of ourselves, to think that we have somehow “made up” for our failings.
The truth is that we are not, and never will be, worthy of Divine Mercy. That’s why it’s called mercy. That’s why God became man and took our sins upon His own shoulders, because we in our humanity are absolutely helpless. Truly humble repentance consists not of manufacturing feelings, not of engaging in self-flagellation, but rather of acknowledging this fact, acknowledging and trusting that God will help us to move on. To the extent that we do think of our own failings, it should only be as a reminder of our own weakness, and of the depth and breadth of God’s charity. And our reaction should not be to wail and moan, but rather to get up, dust ourselves up, and follow Him, trusting that He will “deliver us from evil” not because of any merit of our own, but because of His goodness made manifest on the Cross.
We read in the Gospel of John that “the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” This passage speaks of the darkness of the world, but I think it is equally applicable to the darkness of sin within each of our souls. We should indeed acknowledge the existence of sin within us, but we should not focus on it. Instead, this acknowledgment should cause us to focus on the light that also lives within us, the light that is God, Who created us, loves us, and wants us to be with Him for Eternity. He will not abandon us. When we focus on the darkness of sin, it shows that we trust ourselves to overcome it. When we focus on the Light, it shows that we trust Him. And it is in this trust that we find true repentance, true humility, true faith, and, most importantly, true love for Him.
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