Everywhere else, however, no one is talking about marriage. In that setting, tying abstinence to marriage is simply not useful. Very few students can sign on to that. The vast majority cannot even wrap their minds around the thought of being abstinent until marriage. And they associate "abstinence" so much with "waiting until marriage" that the notion of being abstinent for a shorter period of time, of abstaining for a semester to consider what they want for their sex lives, does not even occur to them.
These are the things I hear when I visit campuses: No one is dating on our campus -- there's a hook-up culture and not a dating culture -- I wish that we would date more. Everyone is having sex, but no one has the right attitude toward sex -- everyone is so casual about it, but I wish they were less casual. I'm having sex, but not good sex -- Why is that? -- Why do I keep hooking up? -- I hook up with people all the time, but it's meaningless. I can find sex but not a relationship -- Why aren't we building meaningful relationships?
When I hear this much unhappiness, it suggests to me that students should take a step back. Rather than continuing to act in a way that is making them unhappy, they could think about stopping and figuring out what they really want. So if we can unhook abstinence from marriage, we could have a really robust conversation about taking a break from the dominant hookup culture. Some students might abstain for a weekend; some for a semester. At the end, they may go back to a healthier sex life than they had before, or they may decide to abstain for a long time. But our culture has done a poor job of communicating the possibility of abstaining for shorter periods of time. Even briefer stretches of abstinence would be a starting part, and would be preferable to continuing in these habits that students find so empty and unfulfilling.
We often hear the refrain, when it comes to young people and sex, that "they're going to do it anyway." Is it unrealistic to ask young people to wait until marriage?
It depends on the culture you grow up in. As I travel and talk about this subject, I often hear the term "evangelical bubble." I do not think it's unrealistic to ask students who grow up in the evangelical youth culture to wait to have sex, because they live in communities where their peers actually support that ideal.
If your peer culture supports waiting to have sex until marriage, then you have a good shot! But for most college students, no one around them is seriously considering saving sex for marriage. The wider popular culture, of course, certainly does not support saving sex for marriage. If your peer community thinks it's stupid, and the culture does not support it, then it's highly unlikely to happen. You would be the lone warrior standing in the midst of a multitude fighting against you.
Ultimately, I think peer community matters more than anything else. If you have a peer community that supports it, it's possible. If your peer community does not support it, then it's next to impossible.
Learn more about Dr. Freitas at her website, or follow her blog at "On Faith," the joint venture of the Washington Post and Newsweek.
For more articles like this, see Patheos' Evangelical Portal.
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