Lesson Two: Gorillas with Souls Prefer Shiny Things

The demon Slubgrip's previous adventures were gathered and recorded in Fr. Longenecker's Lent Book, The Gargoyle Code. Written in Screwtapian style, Slubgrip instructs his protege Dogwart, while trying to keep tabs on his own 'patient'—all while the tempters tumble through Lent to Easter Day.

Fr. Dwight LongeneckerCome to order grubs! You there Grimwort. Stop sliming the furniture will you?

Now, what are we to make of this first chapter, Images and Idols? First of all, you must try to understand that your future clients are half-breeds. What do I mean by half-breeds? I mean they are both physical and spiritual beings at the same time. We who are pure spirit have great difficulty understanding this ridiculous and disgusting state of being.

For some reason that we have yet to understand fully, the enemy created a physical universe. What seems to us spirits to be nothing but a dark, viscous substance rather like the stuff the mortals call molasses, is for them a bright, crisp, and seemingly solid world of 'reality.' They live in this gooey material mess and believe it is all that matters. Then, as if creating a physical world was not enough, the enemy then created these revolting half breeds—gorillas with souls—repugnant beasts who are part chimpanzee and part angel.

I am reminding you of this my dear worms, because it is so easy to forget that your clients, while spiritual beings like ourselves, are also bound in a physical realm, and it is this physical realm that you will use to draw them down into our own delightful territory. Yes, yes, I hear you Forkschnozzle. Have the courtesy if you will, to raise your claw when you want to make a comment. It is true that their physicality is also the thing that can lift them up to the enemy, but we must work around that.

What I want to focus on in this session is the fact that they believe the physical realm to be 'more real' than the spiritual realm. We have worked very hard on this point ever since the European intellectual shift that we have so successfully called 'the enlightenment'. Before this, most of the miserable mongrels believed the spiritual realm to be more real because it was eternal.

Although such a belief is simple and logical, it is not one that we wanted to encourage. In fact, their belief in the eternal quality of the spiritual realm was most dangerous for us. We have now got most of them to believe exactly the opposite of the truth—that the physical is what is most real and the spiritual realm is not only ephemeral, but imaginary and non-existent.

Most of your future clients firmly believe that the only reality is what they can sense with their physical bodies. They have hearing, sight, taste, touch, and smell, and the greatest of these is sight. We have led them to believe that 'seeing is believing'. This is one of their basic assumptions. Consequently, what they cannot see they cannot believe in, and what they can see they believe to be real, and by 'real' they mean it really exists, that it is true, factual and solid and reliable.

Of course you must never allow them to question the nature of perception and the fact that what they call 'sight' is highly ambiguous. Keep it simple dear worms. "Seeing is believing" is one of our Father's most clever sound bytes. Use it.

This belief is very much to our advantage since we can then very easily manipulate what they see and therefore what they believe in. 

Snort, your pal Glimwort has fallen asleep again. Bite him and wake him up will you? Bite him hard. I want him to learn a lesson. Ahh. That's better. Welcome to the land of the living Glimwort. Fall asleep again and I'll bite you myself, and not a little nip like Snort gave you, but I'll sink my fangs in you and take a chunk of your fat wormy flesh. Understand?

As I was saying, the fact that the miserable mongrels believe what they see means that if we control what they see, we control what they believe. This is why, from the beginning, we have been more interested in images than ideas. Let the philosophers and priests meddle with their minds. If we control what they look at we will control them.

What they see is invariably linked with their desire. It's simple. If they see something pretty they want it for themselves. They want to own it. They want to consume it. They want to become one with whatever it is. Therefore, the way to distract them from the enemy is to put before them multiple images of impossibly beautiful and desirable things.

Offer them baubles, my worms. Offer them trinkets and toys. Offer them anything that sparkles and sizzles and stimulates. Offer them action and explosion and entertainment. Keep them dazzled and delighted. Keep them amazed and marveling. From the moment they open their little peepers in the morning until their eyelids droop at night give them something—almost anything to look at. Believe me, it will pay rich rewards, and from these images you will be able to lead them into all sorts of delightful thoughts and behaviors.

Start by keeping them distracted from the enemy and soon distraction will lead to deception, and deception will lead them to our home below. How we go about this is an art form, my dear nematodes and flukes. It is rather complicated and I expect it will be quite beyond most of you, but I shall try to enlighten you nevertheless.

Chapter Two for homework, and it had better be done or I'll be having some of you for dinner . . . and I don't mean as guests.

Class dismissed.

2/25/2011 5:00:00 AM
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    About Dwight Longenecker
    Fr. Dwight Longenecker is the Parish Priest of Our Lady of the Rosary Church in Greenville, South Carolina. His latest book is Catholicism Pure and Simple.