Lesson Nine: Sex as 4-Letter Word, G-A-M-E

The demon Slubgrip's previous adventures were gathered and recorded in Fr. Longenecker's Lent Book, The Gargoyle Code. Written in Screwtapian style, Slubgrip instructs his protégé Dogwart, while trying to keep tabs on his own 'patient'—all while the tempters tumble through Lent to Easter Day.

This is the week you've been waiting for, flukes. It's party time. Yes it's time to P-A-R-T-Why? Because I want to! I'm talking about sex and parties because that sums up our whole tactic, worms.

In this one area the nauseating bipeds are most vulnerable, and this is where the enemy made his big—and I mean really big—mistake. He created them to have pleasure in reproducing. They obviously enjoy behaving like animals, but the physical pleasure seems linked with something else. Our best researchers can't pin it down, but they have some sort of emotional and mental pleasure when they are mating that we don't understand. I do have a theory though, my dear tapeworms: I think it is another one of the enemies disgusting little magic tricks. He has programmed them to have some sort of 'transcendent experience' when mating. He then tries to lure them into his clutches by making them imagine that the experience was 'divine'.

It wasn't. It was simply the most disgusting activity of all. It's revolting. It's beastly. It shows their unashamed animal nature. And to think that the enemy downloaded an eternal soul into these rutting pigs, these naked, grunting, squelching, and moaning swine. It's simply a blasphemy, an outrage and a scandal. And then he expected our Father below to serve the naked chimp/souls. He refused to serve, and we do too. We will not lower ourselves to serve these half-breeds.

I am getting side tracked. Let me put it straight to you. There is one simple, nauseating reason for their sexual behavior: it is for them to produce children. His servants load it all up with talk of 'love' and 'mutual self giving', but that's all window dressing. When it comes to human sexuality it is all quite simple. The enemy wants our world to be overrun by the vermin. Therefore he made it pleasurable for them to mate. Furthermore, he wants their mating to done within marriage so the little brats they breed will have a secure and 'happy' home.

Here is his weak point: the miserable half-breeds find his restrictions unbearable. Being married to one person for life and never mating with anyone else is unthinkable for them. They're not too happy with the production of children either. It used to be that a child was considered a 'blessing'. Happily we've reversed that attitude and now we even have their leaders calling children a 'punishment'.

This is where popular culture has such an important part to play. Wherever you are placed, my dear flukes, you have the simple task of reinforcing the idea that sex is a party game. In television shows, movies, and music keep pounding home the idea that sex has no connection with pregnancy. You don't need to make it all pornographic (we'll have a session on that later); that can often be counterproductive. Instead show attractive, intelligent, and funny young people getting together. After the first meeting all you need to do is show them going through the same front door, sipping coffee, and then cut to the next scene with them having breakfast together. Do you see how easy just a bit of subtlety is my dears? 

The idea is to make fornication, adultery, contraception, and abortion the normal, clean cut, all American apple pie way of living. Never let them see that they are behaving like brute beasts in heat. Never let them see the treachery, betrayal, selfishness, and crudity of their behavior. You want them to equate their own sexual adventures with the glamour, beauty, and wealth of the media stars we put before them. Never let them see that their drunken sex encounter is sordid, that the real girl they're with is overweight, insecure, and has acne. Never let them see that the boy they've gone with is a weedy dysfunctional drunk with no prospects. Most of all, never let them see that their unwholesome sexual act is fleeting and unsatisfying.

Here is where you must step in quickly. If your patient begins to be dissatisfied with his or her sex life they mustn't begin to question our basic idea that unlimited party sex is what will make them happy. If their unhappiness leads them to question their behavior you may lose them very quickly. Instead you want to whisper in their ear that their sexual encounter was unsatisfactory because they lack physical prowess or 'technique.' Then you introduce them to a whole raft of magazines produced by some of our best tempters. Get the men to read magazines of male fitness. They usually have a lead article on 'Hot Sex.' By the way, you can also weave in a nice little line in male vanity through these magazines—but more on that later. There are parallel magazines for the female. They offer lots of sizzling hints encouraging the females to be just as 'hot' as the males. My dear flatworms and slugs—keep the miserable chimps on this path and they will learn just what 'hot and sizzling' really means before they know it.

3/21/2011 4:00:00 AM
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    About Dwight Longenecker
    Fr. Dwight Longenecker is the Parish Priest of Our Lady of the Rosary Church in Greenville, South Carolina. His latest book is Catholicism Pure and Simple.