I believe in Islam. I didn't convert to Islam for a guy or because I thought the clothing made me look exotic, or to rebel against my family, or to justify my sense of being different from everyone else. I became Muslim because I had to. Once I realized that Islam was the truth, I couldn't not become Muslim, even in the face of corrupt Muslim governments, idiotic Muslims abusing women, growing opium, misinterpreting their own scripture, and all that.
Even if I fell down and fell short every day of my life. Even if I had the hardest time keeping concentration long enough to make wudu and get to the prayer rug. Even if I still tuned in Lady Gaga once or twice. Even if I watched an R-rated movie. Even if, on a hot, humid, sultry day in mid-August I wanted to rip off my hijab and run through the sprinkler in shorts and a tank top.
Even if someone hurls insults at me. Even if someone tries to tear off my hijab. Even if someone abuses my kids. Even if my husband loses a job because of his beard. Even if my family hates me. Even if my non-Muslim friends leave me. Even if I have to leave my home country. Even if someone holds a knife to my throat and tells me to renounce my faith or they'll kill me. Even if I were the only Muslim on the planet, or the only Muslim on the planet striving to live as a Muslim. Even if.
"Ash hadu an la ilaha il Allah, wa ash hadu anna Muhammadur Rasool Allah."
I am a Muslim. I am a weak, frail, moody, anxious, hyperactive, attention-deficit-disorder, bad housecleaning, prayer-missing, ungrateful, overeating, underexercising, too-long-blog-post-writing Muslim. I will continue to fall down, I will continue to struggle, but I will never, never stop being Muslim. I am weak but Allah has guided me and how can I be so ungrateful as to turn my back on Him? Allah is One. Once I realized that, I never had a choice.
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