For me, then this week I am scheduling a one-on-one with each of my children. Surely they are the dearest to me of all my earthly attachments, and the ones I would most want to make amends with before I go. I have been thinking about this but now is the time to move forward. I will compose a few notes to keep me focused and think clearly about at least one major thing that endears me to each of them and one major things that I find wanting. I have asked them to do the same and then to select a good time to talk or to skype.
Then there are only one or two things that I feel I need to address before I go. In one case I have already written my concerns and now must decide what to do with them: post them as letters, publish them here, or just read them between myself and Allah.
Most of my life, I am here to say, humbly has been in a trajectory that is in accordance to my best intentions. I don't mean perfectly in that trajectory, but I do not have major regrets, except for occasionally in the outcome of some of my personal relationships. I'm not the kind of person who says she has a lot of friends, Facebook notwithstanding. Some people consider me friend while I would consider them a colleague. Colleagues are good; they are part of the working order of our complex roles in life.
My friends know secrets about my struggle to live as a decent human being, which I have never made public, and yet are crucial to my ability to continue to participate in that struggle.
I think of the quote from a novel I once read: sometimes you have to act like a hero in order to live as decent human being.
Some of these friends I do not see regularly, since they are literally all around the planet. However, without exception, these are persons whose moral codes and personal dignity mean so much to me that I cannot imagine the world without them or without their advice. They are the ones who remind me about beauty and majesty of the creation.
This will be an intense week and I don't know how much will be worth public consideration. But here I am Oh Lord, Labayk Allahuma Labayk, towards Your house I put my intentions. Take me home.
Nov. 1, 2010—Note For Today
This is the first of November. Before this month is over, I will make a major status change. In many cultures around the world Muslims identify the ones who have performed the hajj with a title, used before the name, just like we use Mr. or Ms. in English—Hajjah Naimah or Hajji Umar, for example. It can also be used alone, the way we say sir or ma'am. Occasionally it is used for an older person to show respect even if the person has not actually made the pilgrimage.
But mostly, it is about a status.
I think about this now, since I have actually waited almost 30 years since I tried to go the first time. If I had gone then, I would surely be less anxious to do it again at this age. But then, I may not have considered it as significant. Waiting so long really makes it seem so phenomenal.
Here are a few things I would think about if I could do it over:
The Buddy System
I was supposed to go with a friend, who it turned out could not come once we got to the planning stage. But she wasn't the only person I wish I could go with. I wish I could afford to have one of my sons with me. That would take care of the technicality of the mahram, since they are both adults now, but also, they would give me the intimate company of someone male.
It would be nice to have one of my daughters, but then they would not bring something I could not get from myself, as females. The sheer numbers of people leaves me wanting a male so I could form a block against too much jostling.
What else I would want in a companion would have to be a perspective on Islam that I share. Something Sufi, activist, intellectual, and a bit funky. I don't really share all of those qualities with most people I know, even my children. I hope blogging will help fill this void-a surrogate companion, sorta. I already know what it is like to be alone in a crowd. The crowds at hajj will be many times larger, and I will even be sleeping with three strangers. Sure, new relations can come out of this, but then it might also be a bit like taking a fitness class, or going skydiving. These may be relationships of convenience and only for the moments. I'm sure what we will be experiencing will be phenomenal enough to share.
Choosing a Tour Company
I've already said this, but I repeat: there has to be a better way to choose. Later I will comment on how the logistics on the ground are managed as a way to suggest how someone coming after me might narrow this choice. I would prefer a lot more interactive communication as the preparations go along. I also hear from friends that they've had better communications before departure; so the right company goes a long way for the 'before' part. I'll ket you know about during and after.
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