12 Things You Can’t Learn in Church

In no particular order:


You have to think for yourself. Nothing is beyond question.


When you die, you die. This is your one life.


Evolution works. And yes, we are related to monkeys — but also dogs, cats, chickens, fish, and even oak trees.


It’s all physics and chemistry. Including living things.


Holy books are mostly bullshit. They were written, edited, translated and impressed upon people by those who had (have) a selfish agenda, but who also lacked science and formal reason. They are, without reservation, outdated, incorrect, often deliberately fake. And yes, this includes yours.


People and things that never existed: Adam and Eve, the Garden of Eden, Noah and his Ark, Jesus Christ, God, Satan, the Blessed Virgin Mary. But also: Allah, Zeus, Osiris, Anansi, Baal, Ganesha, Horus, Ixtab, Quetzlcoatl, Si-wang-mu and Ymir. But also: witches, demons, ghosts, spirits, angels, and psychics. These are all fictional characters made up by people.


Combining religion and government is a Very. Bad. Idea. Always.


You don’t have to attend church, or even to be religious, to be a good person. You just have to try to be a good person.


When that ‘miracle’ survivor is pulled from the wreckage that killed hundreds, either 1) the all-powerful supernatural superbeing who gets credit for his rescue is also responsible for the event that killed the hundreds, or 2) there is no all-powerful supernatural superbeing to begin with, and it’s all just an accident. The correct answer is: 2.


Prayer has the same effect as sitting down and closing your eyes. Which means, not only are you not doing anything, you’re not seeing anything either. The corollary is that prayer is never — not ever — a substitute for medical care. If your kid dies while you pray over him rather than take him to a doctor, it’s murder.


If your stated goal is to help people, and given the choice of using a limited amount of money to 1) help people directly, or 2) build a soaring cathedral, choose option 1. People who choose option 2 are malignant parasites and should not be allowed near the money.


God is not watching you masturbate. That’s Father McFeely.

  • Quincyme

    Great to be first. Good article. Would like to repeat this in my school just after the mad Jesus freak has scared the living crap out of the y7 kids.

  • MikeMa

    Good list. I’d post this at work in the breakroom but it would be a waste of paper. Wouldn’t last 1 day I’m afraid.

  • lordshipmayhem

    Witches and angels do exist. I had one in my Grade 10 physics course who was both a witch and an angel. Every time I tried to talk to the girl, she magically turned my tongue into a pretzel.


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  • John Doe

    This is very disrespectful and rude. You can convey your message in a lot less sloppy way. If you want a good list, stop being so opinionated and stop sounding like a angry teenage boy. This list is very incompetent, well let me put it into terms you’ll understand. “This list sucks.” Have a nice day.

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