If You Masturbate, You Are … Fabulous

Goddammit, it’s not enough that the world is ending today. Now we have to stop touching ourselves too. Because wanking makes you fabulous.

Don’t misunderstand me — it’s okay to be fabulous. Nothing wrong with it. Some of my best friends are fabulous. There are fabulous clubs right here in my hometown, and I see fabulous people walking around in my own neighborhood. There are fabulous parades and celebrations in major cities all over the world. After generations of being considered second-class citizens, the fabulous have earned respect and equality.

But there will be people — Christians especially — who will look down on you for being fabulous. Because it says it right there in the Bible: If a man is fabulous, it is an abomination.

Some people are just born fabulous. But others … others become fabulous through masturbation.

Yes, wanking, touching yourself … it either leads to fabulousness, or is a clear sign of it.

How do I know?

Because Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, says so. In fact, he says a LOT about masturbation. He dwells on it, in great and loving detail, in Chapter 5

— masturbation —

of his ebook,  Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men.

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

Fortunately, for all of us men who wish to avoid becoming fabulous, there are also, according to Chapter 5,

Practical and Theological
Reasons to Masturbate


That’s a load off.


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  • Kareth

    Thank you, sir, for at least making me laugh while reading this stupidity…

  • Marie the Bookwyrm

    Well? Well? Don’t leave us hanging! What are these practical and theological reasons?

    • Aliasalpha

      Because people like this are total wankers and can’t help themselves?

  • lexaequitas

    Marie, go to the site to find the “theological and practical reasons”. Really, go there, because they’re hilarious.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com WMDKitty

      Most of them are hilarious. Some are just sad…

  • Pierce R. Butler

    If anyone – male, female, both, in-between, or indescribable with our present vocabulary – has sex with him/her/whateverself, then by definition they (to bypass the pronoun problem) have had sex with a member of the same sex.

    To put it more contemporaneously: We Are the 99%!

  • http://naturallyselected.org/ Taylor Reints

    What I don’t get is that he quotes, “If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way.”

    Homosexual is same gender sex. Is this guy an idiot? Does he need a dictionary?

  • John-Henry

    “particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror”
    Am I the only one who thinks Driscoll has some personal experience with this?

    • Deanna Joy Lyons

      John Henry, I think we’re seeing exactly what Driscol does when the wife’s not around in that phrase. :)

      As my favorite ex-preacher recently said: Let me listen to a man preach a few times and I can tell you exactly what his vices are.”

      • machintelligence

        Indeed. I have noticed that people are most likely to accuse others of things that they would do themselves.

        • Pierce R. Butler

          You only say that because you want to take over the world!

          • Deanna Joy Lyons

            Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?

      • Lauren Ipsum


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