Short Stack

I just hope that after the fundamentalist Christians defeat evolution, they go after entomology next. I’m tired of all these bugs.

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To a fundamentalist, every adventure looks like a sin.

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Christians say they can’t explain the mysteries of God. Then they say scientists have to be wrong because they can’t explain every mystery of the universe. Huh? I missed something.

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Atheism isn’t a religion. It’s a personal relationship with common sense.

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I wonder if you could edit the Bible down to, say, a couple of paragraphs. I mean, just for people on the go.

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You ask about my “beliefs?” Well, it happens that I don’t believe in internal combustion engines. They’re not mentioned in the Bible.

Nobody can convince me that there’s an engine under the hood of my car. And I refuse to look, because I don’t believe it will prove anything.

I just find it absolutely insane that anyone would think an internal combustion engine is what makes a car go. I’m writing a book to refute all the “combustians” who conspire to force their silly “theory” on us.

The Combustians have held sway in society and in our schools and public places for far too long. We should “teach the controversy.”

I know several prominent automechanics who don’t believe in internal combustion. They have left the blind fold of Combustianism, and their lives have even been threatened for their courageous stand.

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The way bacteria develop resistance to antibiotics is a perfect parallel to the relationship between scientific advancement and such silliness as anti-evolution fundamentalism.

As science becomes more refined and powerful, new and more resistant strains of stupidity evolve.

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I chuckle to think the Christian version of Heaven might be right, a place where you’re rejoined with all your family.

I’d love to see the looks on the faces of my Texas cowboy friends when they discover they’re about to be reunited with all their ex-wives.

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If your religion teaches that females are essentially property and should never drive cars or go out without a male chaperone, or that they shouldn’t be allowed to own property or vote, or even to get an education, well, those are some darned scary ideas, but they’re also hilarious.

Considering the huge contribution free, educated women make to the world, limiting them in these ways is a darkly comic way of shooting yourself and your whole culture in the foot. I can’t help but laugh.

And the idea that women should only speak when their husbands give them permission, or that men should make all the family decisions? If it wasn’t so nasty, we’d all just fall down laughing.

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Some people don’t read books. Instead they listen to Christian radio 24/7. And they probably hope to kiss Pat Robertson’s shoes someday.

But to be fair, who doesn’t? Pat Robertson is a national treasure.

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I’m an atheist because God killed my kitten when I was 5. I’ve never forgiven him for it. Now I get revenge by tempting small children into atheism, in the hope that God will someday see their small souls burning in the flames for all eternity and think,  “Oh, dang, I should never have killed that kid’s kitten.”

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Libraries are the cheapest and best thing civilization has to offer. And yet churches outnumber them probably 20 to 1.

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About Hank Fox
  • machintelligence

    Since I distrust “common sense”, I prefer:
    Atheism isn’t a religion. It’s a personal relationship with reality.
    And how about: Faith isn’t a virtue — it’s a character flaw.

    • Hank Fox

      Excellent!

    • cottonnero

      The line I use generally goes something like, “I find doubt to be the virtue and faith the vice.”

  • http://ourfreerangelife.blogspot.com/ Leanna

    These are great! Churches outnumbering libraries 20 to 1 sadly explains a lot.

    • AlanMacandCheese

      I’m not surprised that churches out number libraries. Libraries are powerfully evil places. When I was about 11 years old, I went to the local children’s library looking for a book on homing pigeons. The evil witch librarian took a book off the shelf and handed it to me saying, “In believe this book mentions pigeons”. It was an abridged version of “On the Origin of Species by Natural Selection” for children. Even 20 or more churches couldn’t undo the evil caused by one kindly sly librarian.

  • Makoto

    If anything, I’m guessing your 20:1 ratio is underestimating the facts. Of course, I’m in Texas right now, I pass 20 churches going to the supermarket. I pass more on my path to the library…

    • Francisco Bacopa

      And yet at least one church in Texas has been converted into a library. The Freed Library on Montrose in Houston. It’s a beautiful building. They kept the stained glass rose window. I recommend checking the building out.

  • http://clevelandatheists.com Sam Salerno

    I always new us atheists were really just mad at god. Thanks for clarifying though. And there is no possible way a combustible engine could be under the hood of any vehicle. Intelligent Design is what causes vehicles to move.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000690995971 michaelbarr

    “Pat Robertson is a national treasure.”

    You have an…interesting definition of “Treasure” there, mate.

    • F

      It’s probably just a round-about way of suggesting that Robertson should be buried somewhere no one can find him. Argh.

  • http://florilegia.wordpress.com Ibis3, denizen of a spiteful ghetto

    Now I want pancakes. With bacon on the side.

  • dust

    Pancakes, genuine maple syrup and bacon. Sweet, sweet bacon.

    • AlanMacandCheese

      Here’s an idea “Spreadable Bacon”