7 Things Christians Can’t Prove Aren’t True

(Sorry, brain running on idle so far this morning. I swear the following has nothing to do with drugs. This is a sort of sideways answer to those who say you can’t prove there’s no God.)

1) In Heaven, everybody has delicious Thomas’s English muffins for breakfast, and they come already toasted and slathered with real butter. Plus, they’re served by obsequious angelic beings who look exactly like Rolling Stone’s Keith Richards.  

2) In Heaven, nobody has to settle for diet food, or the vegetarian menu. It’s all barbecued chicken, breaded pork chops, steak, and lots and lots of bacon. Even the salads are made out of bacon.

3) In Heaven, the Viagra commercials say “If your erection lasts less than four hours, consult a doctor immediately.”

4) Speaking of which: In Heaven, there are booze-fueled sex parties that go on for a thousand years, and you can hear the shrieks of laughter and shouts of orgasm from 50 miles away.

5) In Heaven, cheese is intelligent, and you can talk to it. There are special earmuffs you have to wear when you want to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

6) In Heaven, God sometimes takes days off and lets Justin Bieber take over. (The fact that Justin Bieber is not yet dead is a detail only mortals would consider significant; God just laughs and does it anyway.)

7) In Heaven, there is a special palatial annex where all the past Popes live, and the halls are alive with half-naked choirboys and personal servants who answer to the Popes’ every desire. Every young person who dies and goes to Heaven spends their first ten years or so in the Papal Annex.

  • Trebuchet

    You forgot the blackberry jam (in Heaven, blackberries have no seeds) for the muffin! Also interesting how the surface of the muffin is smoother than Mr. Richards’ skin.

    • Hank Fox

      Dang it, I want Facebook to add a module so I can “like” comments. That bit comparing Keith Richards’ skin and the texture of an English muffin had me cackling for a good two minutes.

    • noastronomer

      No seeds?!? Sounds more like hell to me. I love the seeds!

      Which of course is the point. Everyone’s definition of heaven is different.


      • Reginald Selkirk

        OK, in Heaven the blackberry jam has seeds, but they don’t stick in your teeth.

  • Reverend PJ

    Now I want an angellic Keith Richards to bring me my espresso every morning.

    • had3

      And a shrubbery!

  • R. Johnston

    There’s a problem with number 4. In heaven there’s no such thing as 50 miles away from a booze-fueled sex party.

  • Lori

    Bwahahaha! I love you, would you consider polyandry?

  • sunsangnim

    I never understood this. To the fundamentalist, everything that feels good is evil—food, sex, alcohol, music, dancing, drugs, secular entertainment, etc. Fun is an abomination. But once you get to heaven, you just sit around in pure bliss forever. Muslim fundies even throw in virgins for your own personal gratification. WTF?

    Just think, they make themselves miserable their entire lives for a reward that doesn’t exist.

    • Alverant

      “Muslim fundies even throw in virgins for your own personal gratification.”

      Gee thanks for reminding me. Now I have an image of a muslim porn film involving a “successful” suscide bomber getting his “reward” with the stereotype porn music background.

      • Thorne

        God didn’t tell the muslins what their virgins actually look like. Seriously how many good looking women die virgins? Odds are it’ll be seventy two pitbulls, bush pigs and swamp donkeys

        • http://wyrdwriting.wordpress.com Joel

          They get virgins… nothing says they don’t remain virgins…
          72 barely pubescent women you can’t have sex with even if you wanted to?

          That is NOT a heaven.

  • Illustratheist

    #5 made me laugh out loud. And suddenly I crave grilled cheese…

  • Phillip IV

    Yeah, and whenever 6) happens, the result is 4). I think all of the Keith Richardses must have been a bad influence on a young and impressionable popstar.

    And the fact that Justin Bieber isn’t dead yet really isn’t much of an issue – God probably just pulled a Zeus and abducted him skyward in the form of an eagle, leaving a shrieking changeling in his place.

  • kdan59

    If cheese could talk wouldn’t it say, “Please don’t eat me”?

    • Trebuchet

      No, I think it would be like the meat-beast in the Restaurant at the End of The Universe. How about a delicious grilled-me sandwich? Or nachos, swimming with luscious melted me?

  • fastlane

    3) In Heaven, the Viagra commercials say “If your erection lasts less than four hours, consult a doctor immediately.”

    …and her sister!

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