Madison Avenue Jesus

Man, the ads we get here at FtB. My understanding is that the service that places these things gets progressively better at targeting them to the reader audience over time. I continue to hope that’s true. If the whole thing works on nothing but keywords, and if atheist bloggers frequently mention worship and God and Jesus – in the making of jokes if nothing else – then readers here will have to grin and bear a LOT of ads that should rightly be targeted at the goddy. We’re like a Jewish site that deals with Holocaust issues getting ads from skinhead clubs because the words “swastika” and “Hitler” come up frequently.  

Perfect example: The Christian Prayer Center ad on my home page yesterday.

You fill out an online form, give a single click, and “thousands” of prayer warriors spring into action, clenching their fists as they fire potent prayers skyward. God leaps off his throne in an electric frenzy, peers intently down and shouts the magic word “Alla-Shazam!” and healing, money, and better parenting skills shower down on the needy. (These are all verbatim, by the way, so don’t blame me for any typos.)

I wanted to thank you all for all the prayers you have sent up to our savior. My husband was very sick. I took him in to have surgery. Soon afterwards they came back into the room loudly saying we don’t operate on people who have nothing wrong. He was healed, praise God! ~Debra D.

Yeah, like that really happened.

 

The Lord made my HIV test NEGATIVE!! Praise our God for giving me a second chance at life! Thank you Lord! You are loving and compassionate! ~Santos M., Bonifay, FL

Can’t figure out if this person is saying that his HIV status miraculously reversed, or if he took the test and was happy to discover he wasn’t infected.

 

I went grocery shopping and I used most of my money to buy groceries. Prior to me leaving I saw and had the urge to buy a $7.00 lotto ticket and I won $100. I left with more money then I came with and has groceries. ~Mary C., Lexington, KY

Lottery tickets and Jesus! Double win — It’s like getting twice the fleece from the same sheep!

 

Thank you. Your prayers worked! My sister finally came home to her children and she’s agreed to give up her bad lifestyle and care for her kids. ~Jessica P., Miami, FL

See? Better parenting skills. Toldja.

 

I requested a prayer for my house not to go on foreclosure and God stopped it for happening. Amen, and be sure to thank all the prayer warriors who were on my side. ~Jose M., Bakersfield, CA

There seem to be several of these mortgage-related prayer stories, and they make me sad on two levels.

 

My grand niece tried to commit suicide using Tylenol PM. While she was under its influence she saw dead people and was terrified. Her stomach was pumped and was given medication to counter the effects. I submitted a prayer request and we saw daily improvement and absolutely no liver or kidney damage. She is back to her bouncy 15 year old self. We took her to Hawaii and she is making futures for her future. Praise God, He answers prayers!  ~Christie K., Dillon, CO

I hate it when you try to commit suicide and end up seeing scary dead people. But I guess on the plus side, you get to make futures for your future.

 

Thank you for all those who prayed for me!!! GOD was so good that He extended my unemployment benefits! I know if He can do this small things, He can do so much more. ~Pam M.

God can’t heal amputees, but he’s a whiz at making government programs work for you.

For this last testimonial, call to mind a California Gold Rush story where Dishonest John buys a played-out gold mine, goes in and “salts” it with gold nuggets, and then sells it to a gullible investor. The smell of gold practically hits you in the face:

You guys are amazing! Thank you for making a format for something as often underrated as a prayer request. The sheer humility and subsequent relief and acceptance that a matter so personal, so near and dear to the human heart, is relinquished to a greater arena and uplifted to The Lord God Almighty is sublime and wonderous, powerful and moving, motivating and humbling. It opens the door for The Spirit of God, yes The Holy Spirit to access, to gain entry to the heart and soul of everyone involved! That means everybody! You, John Carlson, and everyone at the Christain prayer Center, and yes, people like me who are broken hearted and down. ~Kathy L.

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