God Comes Knocking … Via Spam

Suppose you put a sign up on your house that said in big bold letters, “No Christian Evangelists, Please” — but a sales-pitchy Christian showed up at your door with a stack of Bibles and Chick Tracts.

How would you feel about that?

Annoyed, right? Okay, but since you’re a nice person, you’d send them away with no harsh words, offering instead a simple, “We’re not interested.”

You’d talk about it after with atheist friends, but that would be pretty much the end of it. You’d hope.

But what if it wasn’t? What if, instead of going away, the nice Christian showed up at your front door again and again. And then showed up at your back door. And then at your windows, shouting “God loves you! Only God can give you everlasting life! You need to listen to me!”

You’d be seriously pissed, I imagine. Possibly even afraid. After all, if they’re willing to surround your house and yell the pitch through your windows, who knows what else they might do?

Online here, I have no windows and I’m relative safe. There are a couple of doorways to my attention, one through my email address, which I don’t advertise, and another through the comments.

Even that doorway is fairly well protected. My comment filter catches hundreds of spam comments every day. But a few get through. Only a few. Which is why I was surprised to see this today in my email queue: Fourteen-plus goddy headlines, sent in to the comments of 14 different stories, and all linking to this partly completed site — God Help Me Please Jesus (which sounds like something you’d scream as a steamroller ran over you slowwwwwly, crushing you)  is so unfinished it still contains the template’s original text greeking.

I have very little idea how spam works. Why place a comment that says nothing but “interior designers” or “house renovation contractor”?

But still … just the phrase “Jesus Prays For You” is so intriguing it almost draws you in, doesn’t it?

But not quite.

Carrie Underwood Click-Bait. Meh.
Short Stack # 22
Zoning Out on Liberal vs. Conservative Issues
Short Stack #23
  • Cuttlefish

    Just sent a dozen or so to spam, myself. Was wondering what I had done to piss Him off.

  • grumpyoldfart

    People obsessed by religion are usually control freaks. When they get sick of practising on you, they’ll get started on their spouse. We’ll probably read about their abusive behaviour in the newspaper one day.

  • Ned Champlain

    I very seldom have return visitors of the LDS or JW types. Once is enough a visit to the den of Satan.

  • http://www.alstefanelli.com Al Stefanelli

    I got those VERY SAME spam comments on my blog… Dafuq?

  • Mr. Creazil

    Maybe he thinks Lorem Ipsum is a form of speaking in tongues.

  • http://www.facebook.com/using.reason usingreason

    At the beginning of this year the local JW community stopped by my house on 4 consecutive Saturday mornings. Their meeting hall is only a 2 minute walk away from my front door which explains why my small culdesac is popular with them (I had guessed in the past). But this moved from the occasional mild irritant into full on ‘fuk u’ mode.

    I told the last group in unvarnished terms to go away and never ever come back again. I did not curse or rant but I was extremely firm with all their equivocations and interrupted their attempted apologies with something like “Are you hearing me?’ The one man even tried to say that they would put me on their ‘list’ of houses to avoid but that would only be for a couple years because, ‘Sometimes people move.’ I went into very careful diction and suppressed rage mode and advised him that the next visit from a Jehovah Witness would result in me marching in on their gathering and taking the pulpit for the expression of my view on their religion. I also pointed out the idiocy of their focus on proselytizing in a world with telephones, internet, newspaper etc etc; based on the ‘command’ of Jesus living in a world with none of those things where the only way to spread the word was to go and spread the word. It’s a different world you idiots, grow the fuck up.

    (end rant)

  • Synfandel

    A few years ago, tired of having to deal with proselytizers, my wife put a discreet note on the outside of the mailbox beside our front door. It reads:

    No religious representatives, please. We respect your right to practise your religion. Please respect our privacy.

    Amazingly, it has been 100% effective. I’ve seen readily recognizable Mormon and Jehova’s Witness missionaries come to the door, read the sign, and walk away. No one has knocked.

    If only the do-not-call registry worked this well.

  • jacobfromlost

    The only ones I get are for Christian Mingle. Who woulda thunk god’s match for some Christian was me–an atheist?

    (“The more you know” rainbow streaks across screen with lame music cue.)

    How did god find matches for people before the internet? Weird.

  • Leslie

    I have a magnetic sign on my front door which states:

    No Soliciting
    No Witnessing

    We’ve never been bothered.

    • http://www.facebook.com/using.reason usingreason

      I wished a sign worked for me, I’ve tried a couple. When I pointed it out once I was given the whole “Jesus commanded’ thing which resulted in a door slam. Mostly people seem to pretend not to have noticed it; maybe it’s time to try signage again.

  • ‘Tis Himself

    The missionaries say, “You need to hear this.” It’s a lie. We don’t need to hear it, they need to say it. They could care less about our needs and wants. They want to proselytize at us regardless of whether or not we want their preaching.

  • abusedbypenguins

    Wrap a watchtower around a toilet paper roll and hang it, using a wire coat hanger, by your front door with an attached note that states “Help me complete this roll with more watchtowers”. You will never be bothered again. I have as much respect for any religion as I do for Treckies. The problem is they take themselves(Religious people) so serious that I can’t help but laugh at them and that pisses them off.

    • http://www.facebook.com/using.reason usingreason

      What’s your problem with Treckies? I see no reason to lump them in with the religious, that’s not cool man!

    • BCat70

      Hey! I am a Trekkie and I seriously resent my philosophic hobby being lumped in with the godborgs.

      Not cool.

      P.S. Live long and Prosper.

    • sk

      Oh noes, you angered the trekkies!

  • drumdaddy

    I see from the website that god likes sunsets over farmland. Haven’t seen anything quite so inspirational since the Gong Show.

  • Huginn

    Sometimes it’s pretty darn convenient living in another country. Pretending to not speak the language is the easiest escape route I’ve found. We get a lot of witnesses coming by but very few carry bilingual literature and all it takes is an “err, I’m sorry?” to get them to scuttle away. Doesn’t work for Mormons, though. I think I’ll just start keeping a black candle and face paint near the door so I can throw on my 30-second satanist face before I open on them.

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