Tin Ear for Jesus, Black Eye for Xtianity

No, my objection to JesusWeen isn’t the name.

Although, dayyum, it does sorta grate on the ears, doesn’t it? JesusWEEN. Jesus Weenie.

It just sounds so silly — something thought up by one of those Christian-nerdy people who are tone deaf to common social nuance because they live in this weird little cloistered bastion of religiosity. 

JesusWin is a global initiative to ensure non-Christians receive educational materials about Jesus. Many people have a wrong opinion of who Jesus is and we continue to encourage and work with churches and thousands of Christians to give out tracts, bibles and other Christian gifts. Since 2002 over a million Christian gifts have been given to neighbours, strangers and friends on October 31st. JesusWin is also known as JesusWeen and continues to get popular in the United States, Canada, UK, Africa and Brazil.

My objection is … Well, heck, it just goes against the spirit of the holiday, doesn’t it? I mean, giving BIBLES to trick-or-treaters when they come to your house expecting candy, or at least a good healthy apple?

Hey, I realize Christians are scandalized by this blatantly Satanic event. You know, with all the witches and demons coming to their doors, the open mocking of Christ Jesus, the casting of hellish spells to drag the souls of the children into the Sulfurous Pit. Not to mention the open fornication. But now …

Christians will not have to hide during Halloween, instead they will share God’s love by giving others a gift.

But then again, I remember the happy Halloweens my brothers and I participated in, the wonderful times we spent running through the neighborhood dressed as ghosts and hobos and pirates, filling bags of candy, and then going home to enjoy it. Taking some to school to share with friends. Talk about a holiday made for kids! Even the scary bits were fun.

But to turn all that on its head by giving kids Bibles? Even at 5 years old, I would have walked away from the guy who did that thinking the 5-year-old equivalent of “Jeez, what an asshole.” Probably would have made me an atheist even sooner.

Um …

Come to think of it, I have no objections to JesusWeen.

  • davidhart

    One wonders what they make of the Homestar Runner cartoons, in whose universe Halloween is still called Halloween, but Christmas becomes Decemberween.

  • Forbidden Snowflake

    JesusWeen? JesusWin? Sounds like somebody is in need of JesusWean.

  • EllenBeth Wachs

    These must be the same people that put coal in their kid’s xmas stockings to teach them a lesson.

  • Rodney Nelson

    JesusWeen? Jesus has a weenie? Jesus is a weenie?

    I agree, Hank, someone has a tin ear.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Caller.Rutee Rutee Katreya

    Because apparently the Lord God doesn’t just hate servers, but also children? WTF?

  • phhht

    As for me, I always say “heaven-o.”

  • sumdum

    So, ‘trick’ it is then. Bring out the cartons of eggs.

  • http://www.gregory-gadow.net Gregory in Seattle

    The custom of going house to house for treats derives from the superstition that you had to bribe supernatural entities into being nice, lest they do something nasty.

    If someone ever gave me a Bible or religious tract during Halloween, I would most definitely put the trick back into trick or treat.

  • F

    They don’t understand word formation or history, either. The holiday they are looking for is called Christmas Eve, not the eve of All Saints day.

  • ShowMetheData

    “Hey, kid. Here are my tax receipts. Organize them by date and total them up. Happy Fucking JesusWe’en”

    ‘Cuz if you’re not every second fearing the eternal flaming punishment of Hell for you and your loved ones and that kid in the Spiderman costume, you’re not having JesusWe’en fun

  • c2t2…

    Oh for the love of…

    If I didn’t already have a costume, I’d be tempted to go as a “Christian” this year. I could stand on main street in a frumpy coat screaming, waving a bible, and being a total asshole to everyone. If anyone objects I’ll tell them I’m an atheist acting in character. If they don’t believe me I can prove it by opening my coat to flash one of those “sexy” stripperiffic devil costumes. It’ll be confusing and VERY meta and people would be scratching their heads for days trying to make sense of it. Perfect.

    Another meta idea – dress up as “Jesus’ Ween”, which would be a penis costume with a halo instead of a foreskin.

    • http://www.facebook.com/using.reason usingreason

      Another meta idea – dress up as “Jesus’ Ween”, which would be a penis costume with a halo instead of a foreskin.

      I think you might need the beard and long flowing locks as well. If they still don’t get it we can start nailing the penis to a cross.

    • http://www.gregory-gadow.net Gregory in Seattle

      I went as an Eastern Washington Voter* a few years back: flannel shirt, denim overalls, combat boots, John Deere hat, and several Republican campaign pins. Won honorable mention in a scarey costume constest for “most creative.”

      * Western Washington, particularly the I-5 corridor from Everett to Seattle to Portland, is pretty liberal. The rest of the state is quite red. Fortunately, just over half the state’s voters are liberals who live in the west.

    • F

      Attach a toy stuffed lion to to the ass of your costume. This is instantly identifiable as Christian to Christians, with their apocryphal legends and persecution complexes.

  • kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    JesusWin is a global initiative to ensure non-Christians receive educational materials about Jesus.

    Why do those people always seem to believe we haven’t heard about Jeebus?

    We’ve heard the xians more than enough, thank you very much.

    If they want to impress us, shutting up and letting us be might be a good first step.

  • leftwingfox

    JesusWin is a global initiative to ensure Christians receive large amounts of toilet paper, rotten eggs and flaming bags of dog poop in exchange for materials about Jesus.

    Celebrate Halloween: Because God and demons don’t exist, but candy does.

  • http://justdfacsmaam.wordpress.com MarkNS

    When I was a kid, and I’m sure it’s the same today, word got around pretty fast who was giving away the good stuff (chocolate bars, rice krispie squares, little bags with several candies in them etc) and who was giving away apples or other shit. No one went to the houses giving away the shit so I’m pretty sure the kid grapevine is going to identify the jesusween houses real damn quick. I suspect they make get visited…but only by some of the older kids armed with toilet paper and eggs…

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