Chips Ahoy! Gadzooks! And Oh, This Poor Woman.


In addition to your medical records, banking records, etc., every one of these RADIO FREQUENCY ID chips will contain a locator device, allowing government agents to know where you are every second, and listen in on your private conversations. If you say anything the government doesn’t like, you can be fired from your job and never be able to work again!

Chips implanted in men contain potent mind-altering drugs which force radical changes in personality. In addition to causing a violent aversion to handling or owning guns or Bibles, the chips cause men in the northern states to become permanently impotent and begin speaking French, those in the Deep South to engage in hyperactive group homosexual activity while watching cooking shows on TV, and then all go out and get matching “666″ neck tattoos.

Further, the radiation output of the chips has been shown to interfere with the electronic ignition systems of NASCAR racers, and makes coon hounds refuse to hunt!

Each chip implanted in a white woman comes filled with a sample of President Obama’s sperm, which will make its way through her bloodstream and force her to bear a Negro baby programmed from birth to say “Let me axe you a question” and wear his pants down around his thighs while simultaneously converting to radical Islam.

Finally, the chips implanted in Hispanic women will cause them to vote for Democratic candidates, have countless anchor babies, and send bus tickets to pregnant female relatives in Mexico. The chips also contain detailed instructions for filling out applications for food stamps, welfare and permanent disability.

This is absolutely true, already checked with Snopes, so don’t bother!!!

And it’s all happening March 23. True fact.


I just thank Jesus that a well-informed, caring Christian lady (Facebook link) alerted me to this evil plot. Okay, some of her details are different from the ones I totally made up here on my own. But still.

When some lefty heckler tried to bring up, she responded appropriately:

Good thing I don’t believe in snopes!!! The ONE thing and the ONLY thing I do believe in ~ is GOD and his word

Yes, I feel a little bit guilty to be poking fun at her. She’s probably this innocent, nice person who doesn’t deserve to be laughed at. But then again, she IS propagating this stuff, deliberately conveying it to people who may have no defense against the lies. She’s apparently also deliberately deleting comments she doesn’t like, such as those which are disrespectfully laughing at the absolute ridiculousness of the thing.

At the moment I post this, her “alert” has been shared 159,462 times on Facebook. We are so doomed.


Nice Christian Lady, if you ever see this, I don’t hate you. I’m poking fun not to hurt your feelings, but to provide some backpressure for others to the kinds of things you’re saying here. There are other people listening and watching, and they deserve more from me, I think, than to stand by politely, saving your feelings, while you unwittingly spread falsehoods.

I’d like you to entertain this one thought: The people who originally made you aware of this awful microchip plot, posing as your friends and protectors, warning you against your own evil government and its horrendous plots to destroy the American way of life … those people may not be your friends. Some of them might be your worst enemies — people who have no caring or conscience and see you only as some sort of manipulable “unit” they can run back and forth for their own amusement or profit.

Let me put it in terms you can relate to: If Satan was going to come to earth and cause as much misery as possible, would he come looking like a 70-foot-tall red devil, with horns and pitchfork? Or would he come looking like Mother Teresa, all sweet and defenseless, looking like someone’s harmless old grandmother?

You can imagine that that first appearance would put people on their guard, and nobody would take any of his deals. But that second one, millions of us would cozy up to him (her) and believe every sweet word.

Sadly, the people you think are on your side, telling you God’s own truth, might instead be liars and parasites, out to destroy your mind, destroy your life, attaching themselves to you so they can suck money and allegiance out of you like ticks suck blood out of dogs. (And coincidentally persuading you to do something that makes you look like a complete fool.)

Yes, I’m poking fun at you, and it hurts. But I’m also warning you. It just might be that *I* am not your enemy. The person who sent you this RFID chip warning might be your enemy. The people who want you to be afraid, rather than informed, the ones who lie to you every damned day on Fox News and such, they might be your enemy. Even the sweet, loving people who own and operate your church might be your enemy.

If they lie to you, if they treat you like you’re stupid, like you don’t deserve to know the truth — even if they save your feelings — THEY ARE.

Your one defense against those people is your own mind, and the minds of others who have seen through the lies.

(BTW,, as near as I can tell — and I’ve checked, miss, more than once — is a factually honest site with no axe to grind. They really do look into things, they really do try to report honestly, and when they make mistakes they correct them.)

There’s hope in that a lot of us were once where you are, and managed to escape. There’s help out there in the free thought community. (Hey, I even have a book that will clue you in to the way we ungodly people think! If nothing else, you’ll see into the mind of your satanic enemy.)

You can be a skeptic, an unbeliever, or even an atheist, as I am, and still be loving, compassionate, generous, a good mother and neighbor, and a kind, caring member of your community.

Anyway, best of luck. You have a long, long way to go, but it’s a journey both possible and positive.


In case the original Facebook post vanishes, a screen grab:



  • dd

    Aw man, I was totally expecting an article about Chips Ahoy. False advertising! ;)

  • Ulysses

    makes coon hounds refuse to hunt!

    Now we know they’re going too far with this thing. Next thing you know, there’ll be racoons tipping over every garbage can in the entire US of A.

  • Randomfactor

    A Tineye search suggests to me that the X-ray insert is a standard stock photo which someone has, um, doctored. Besides, everyone knows the chip goes in the forehead, so it can’t be found by simple x-rays.

    • Tsu Dho Nimh

      Which x-ray photo? I tried to find it and couldn’t.

      But the hand looks slightly abnormal – arthritic or bruised – with swollen knuckles. Can we blame that on the RFID?

      I always thought it would be implanted in the butt to control their thoughts.

    • leftwingfox

      Heck, it’s even easier to figure out that this is faked;

      Where x-rays are blocked, it’s white, where they pass through it’s black. The “RFID chip” in the X-ray photo is BLACK.

      That means it’s either shooting out a highly directional x-ray laser, or the photo shows someone with a perfectly square-edged hole in their hand.

      Or it’s faked by someone who dose’t understand photography.

      • Logicgate

        That’s not universally true, actually. I’ve worked with some x-ray systems where that was reversed. See the images here for examples:

        • Logicgate

          Oh, duh, but it should be consistent either way, which the image isn’t.

    • WMDKitty — feeling so very small

      No, no, no, I saw this on The X-Files — the chip goes in the nose or the neck, so the aliens can track you!

  • Hershele Ostropoler

    Where does the Bible talk about microchipping?

    If Snopes says “false” and the Bible says “true” I guess I can understand someone feeling that, well, the Bible wins. But when Snopes says “false” and the Bible is silent … why dismiss Snopes?

    Anyway, I’m reminded of, right after the 2012 election, someone on a message board said they felt sorry for all the people running around screaming about the end of freedom and democracy and getting all worked up about it. And what I said at the time, and still think, is that I have no sympathy for them because it’s not the case. I feel a little sympathy for the people who are seeing their familiar race and class privilege slightly diminished. Not a lot — their privilege isn’t all that diminished — but a little. However unjust the privilege is, when you’re used to it and it goes away, that’s destablizing. But the people who are stressing out about government agents kicking down the door and taking their guns and Bibles and hauling them off to death camps are doing it to themselves.

    • WMDKitty — feeling so very small

      I’m guessing the microchip is the “mark of the beast” talked about in Revelation.

  • c2t2…

    Dear Christian Lady,

    That’s some impressive technology! … yet somehow they can’t even manage to make it invisible to x-rays?

    Rating: Meh

    I know meth addicts and schizophrenics who could blow this snooze-fest out of the water on a good day. Paranoia fail. Try creativity next time.

  • WithinThisMind

    The more I hear about this ‘microchip’ idea the more I think ‘awesome, we should totally do this’. No longer will I have to worry about whether or not I happen to have my ID/credit cards on me. No more worrying about pickpockets and purse snatchers – just wear a glove with a shield in it, and you are good to go.

  • Aliasalpha

    Whats a coon hound? A dog specifically bred to locate australian cheese with an unfortunately racist name?

    • sidhe3141

      Raccoon-hunting dog with a name that has (probably) independently acquired racist connotations over time.

  • Nepenthe

    So, is the microchip meme a part of GOD or his word? ’cause clearly Nice Christian Lady believes in it.

  • grumpyoldfart

    I don’t think that woman is being duped. I think she knows the story is utter bullshit, but desperately hopes it is true because that would enable her to play the martyr – and Christians just love playing the martyr [Google "Circumcillions"].

    I’ll bet this woman has also convinced herself that only the great unwashed will be forced to carry the chips. She is probably fantasizing about the day when Jesus swoops down like Superman, to save her from a fate worse than death.

    You watch; in a few weeks from now she will be running around telling everyone that a guy she knows was killed, raised from the dead, and then took off into space in front of witnesses! She is that gullible (and that desperate to inject some drama into her dreary life).

  • StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    @7. Aliasalpha :

    Whats a coon hound? A dog specifically bred to locate australian cheese with an unfortunately racist name?

    Er, nope. Its a hound dog (nothing but a ..) bred to hunt raccoons hence the name. See :

    @ Hank Fox : Sssshhhhhh!! Don’t tell ‘em! It’s all supposed to be kept under wraps until long after its too late! ;-)

  • TB at BlueCollarWorkman

    “THe people who want you to be afraid are your enemy. ” That’s really a very good statement, man. You just tucked it in there in your whole post, but it’s the best part I think. Knowledge, learning, questioning, thinking… it’s all good stuff. Fear mongoring and all that is always the work of people trying to hold you down, keep you under control, manipulate you, etc. THis lady shouldn’t be afraid. She should do more research adn figure stuff out. And since she’s alrady gotten so much attention, she can use that attention to tell people the truth she finds in her research.

  • Sylvia Sybil

    …microchips in your hand that take the place of credit cards, contain all your intimate information, and can be used by the government against you is the plot of the Left Behind series. In the books, the mark that shows where your microchip is the mark of the beast, from Revelations.

    I’m not sure which is worse: the idea that people are getting their conspiracy theories from badly-written post-apocalyptic fiction, or the idea that the Left Behind author was just anticipating where the conspiracies were going to go.

    • andrewkiener

      Actually, it’s neither. The ID chip = mark of the beast stories were around before the Left Behind series, it just spread them. They go all the way back to Social Security cards, actually, just get updated to whatever new tech each generation can use to scare itself.

  • Seeing/analyzing

    Back in 1992, when Clinton was elected, the fundagelical nutcases I worked with were ranting that the SSN was the mark of the beast and they were furious that they had to have one, and it was all Clinton’s fault. They also believed that dollar bills were marked with tracking devices that would tell the gov’t their whereabouts. Also the work of Clinton, that dastardly dude. I was young and naive, and tried to explain how pointless a chip on a dollar bill would be to track a single person, because it passes quickly from hand to hand as grocery store change to fast food purchase to bank deposit to bank withdrawal to gasoline purchase to change again.

  • brucegee1962

    “Snopes has a liberal bias” is a common right-wing meme. I’ve written several times to propagators of this type of email, “Please provide a link to a single source that provides evidence disproving a Snopes page. Snopes has hundreds of pages up — surely you can find something.” So far, crickets.

  • Magpie

    Delurking to say: you can have fun with your contraceptive implant – when someone brings up microchip or RFID implants, say “I’ve already got mine” and let them feel it. I’m in Australia, so it only gets a momentary funny look. I wonder what would happen if you did it to someone who believes it, like this lady and her facebook friends?