The Tweet Commandments

Camels With Hammers is now blessed to be followed on Twitter by Omnipresent G-d (LORD YHWH) and is delighted to learn that after a couple thousand years of silence and that whole Jesus era onward in which He stopped speaking for himself and started speaking only through spokesmen, YHWH is back with his own distinctive, inimitably crazy old school commandments which are clearly as brilliant and profound and divine as the classics.  It’s the equivalent of when Bob Dylan came back with a vengeance with Time Out Of Mind, a work worthy of his best classic albums.  YHWH has found the old formula for inscrutably petty, idiosyncratic and needlessly repressive obsessions and overstated commandments.  The uncensored irritable YHWH is back and he’s not letting any intermediaries water down his real feelings anymore!  Here’s a taste of the new pronouncements he’s been tweeting:

A righteous man shall not be buried in the earth, but shall rather have his body stuffed in a pose as though fighting bears.3:59 PM Sep 21st

Any toilet bearing the representation of a face shall be utilized only with one’s eyes closed.10:49 PM Sep 17th

The left nipple may be shaven; the hair which grows near its rightmost correspondent shall not be groomed. This is my desire.7:24 PM Sep 14th

My word is a knife made white by heat, such as that which one uses to cut pastrami.8:17 PM Sep 11th

One is to stare directly at the sun unless that one be of weak disposition and despicable.6:28 PM Sep 9th

Shall you overcook a poached egg, you are slapping the very face of the LORD.1:55 AM Sep 8th

My Name shall no more be written as it has been; I shall instead be represented by an image of a shark devouring a heifer.5:50 PM Sep 4th

All being is a tree; its roots are inscribed with the word MYSTERY; its leaves are the act of post-coital weeping.6:10 PM Sep 2nd

A dragon shall approach the people of the Earth, and that dragon shall devour one-third of them, and it shall be named CORKY.10:13 PM Aug 31st

One who has not been victor of a punchfight shall be admitted into no afterlife.5:49 PM Aug 28th

Of the prophets, those of the clan Wu Tang are to be most heeded.4:00 PM Aug 27th

In order to properly destroy the spirit inside a computer, wrap it in the skin of a boar and cast it into the ocean.2:11 PM Aug 25th

You may sharpen a knife on a gibbon, for such animals are to be loathed.4:31 PM Aug 21st

If you find a person has attached to his automobile a simulacrum of a scrotum, that person shall you certainly stone.2:17 AM Aug 20th

Two brothers desirous of wiving the selfsame woman shall settle their dispute by strapping to their bodies piranhas and wrestling.6:57 PM Aug 17th

You are not to mix FIRE and BABY.2:27 PM Aug 15th

These are far from his only commandments and I recommend you check out more, partly because of his infamous and well-documented ways of treating those who ignore his commandments…

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About Daniel Fincke

Dr. Daniel Fincke  has his PhD in philosophy from Fordham University and spent 11 years teaching in college classrooms. He wrote his dissertation on Ethics and the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. On Camels With Hammers, the careful philosophy blog he writes for a popular audience, Dan argues for atheism and develops a humanistic ethical theory he calls “Empowerment Ethics”. Dan also teaches affordable, non-matriculated, video-conferencing philosophy classes on ethics, Nietzsche, historical philosophy, and philosophy for atheists that anyone around the world can sign up for. (You can learn more about Dan’s online classes here.) Dan is an APPA  (American Philosophical Practitioners Association) certified philosophical counselor who offers philosophical advice services to help people work through the philosophical aspects of their practical problems or to work out their views on philosophical issues. (You can read examples of Dan’s advice here.) Through his blogging, his online teaching, and his philosophical advice services each, Dan specializes in helping people who have recently left a religious tradition work out their constructive answers to questions of ethics, metaphysics, the meaning of life, etc. as part of their process of radical worldview change.