The Tweet Commandments

Camels With Hammers is now blessed to be followed on Twitter by Omnipresent G-d (LORD YHWH) and is delighted to learn that after a couple thousand years of silence and that whole Jesus era onward in which He stopped speaking for himself and started speaking only through spokesmen, YHWH is back with his own distinctive, inimitably crazy old school commandments which are clearly as brilliant and profound and divine as the classics.  It’s the equivalent of when Bob Dylan came back with a vengeance with Time Out Of Mind, a work worthy of his best classic albums.  YHWH has found the old formula for inscrutably petty, idiosyncratic and needlessly repressive obsessions and overstated commandments.  The uncensored irritable YHWH is back and he’s not letting any intermediaries water down his real feelings anymore!  Here’s a taste of the new pronouncements he’s been tweeting:

A righteous man shall not be buried in the earth, but shall rather have his body stuffed in a pose as though fighting bears.3:59 PM Sep 21st

Any toilet bearing the representation of a face shall be utilized only with one’s eyes closed.10:49 PM Sep 17th

The left nipple may be shaven; the hair which grows near its rightmost correspondent shall not be groomed. This is my desire.7:24 PM Sep 14th

My word is a knife made white by heat, such as that which one uses to cut pastrami.8:17 PM Sep 11th

One is to stare directly at the sun unless that one be of weak disposition and despicable.6:28 PM Sep 9th

Shall you overcook a poached egg, you are slapping the very face of the LORD.1:55 AM Sep 8th

My Name shall no more be written as it has been; I shall instead be represented by an image of a shark devouring a heifer.5:50 PM Sep 4th

All being is a tree; its roots are inscribed with the word MYSTERY; its leaves are the act of post-coital weeping.6:10 PM Sep 2nd

A dragon shall approach the people of the Earth, and that dragon shall devour one-third of them, and it shall be named CORKY.10:13 PM Aug 31st

One who has not been victor of a punchfight shall be admitted into no afterlife.5:49 PM Aug 28th

Of the prophets, those of the clan Wu Tang are to be most heeded.4:00 PM Aug 27th

In order to properly destroy the spirit inside a computer, wrap it in the skin of a boar and cast it into the ocean.2:11 PM Aug 25th

You may sharpen a knife on a gibbon, for such animals are to be loathed.4:31 PM Aug 21st

If you find a person has attached to his automobile a simulacrum of a scrotum, that person shall you certainly stone.2:17 AM Aug 20th

Two brothers desirous of wiving the selfsame woman shall settle their dispute by strapping to their bodies piranhas and wrestling.6:57 PM Aug 17th

You are not to mix FIRE and BABY.2:27 PM Aug 15th

These are far from his only commandments and I recommend you check out more, partly because of his infamous and well-documented ways of treating those who ignore his commandments…

Your Worship?

"I applaud your approach and recommend, if you like, “Rogerian Argument” which does - as ..."

Making Arguments Less Tediously Repetitive, Contentious, ..."
"Perhaps this idea's time has come. I like your logical and convincing presentation. I have ..."

Making Arguments Less Tediously Repetitive, Contentious, ..."
"Yes! We need methods to help us have conversations with people we disagree with. Since ..."

Making Arguments Less Tediously Repetitive, Contentious, ..."
"Snoke is not well developed because he does not need to be. We already know ..."

Religion and Philosophy in The Last ..."

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment