Marauding Gay Hordes Drag Thousands Of Helpless Citizens From Marriages

Last year President Obama announced his administration would not defend the Defense of Marriage Act in court. The consequences were disastrous:

WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. “It was just awful—they smashed through our living room window, one of them said ‘I’ve had my eye on you, Roger,’ and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming,” said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996. “Oh dear God, why did they remove the protection provided by this vital piece of legislation? My children! What will I tell my children?” A video communique was sent to the media late yesterday from what appears to be the as-yet unidentified leader of the gay marauders, who, adorned in terrifying warpaint, announced “Richard Dickson of Ames, Iowa. We’re coming for you next. Put on something nice.”

And just like that, we came to finally see how exactly gay marriage was a threat to heterosexual marriages. If only we had listened to the warnings beforehand.

Your Thoughts?

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About Daniel Fincke

Dr. Daniel Fincke  has his PhD in philosophy from Fordham University and spent 11 years teaching in college classrooms. He wrote his dissertation on Ethics and the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. On Camels With Hammers, the careful philosophy blog he writes for a popular audience, Dan argues for atheism and develops a humanistic ethical theory he calls “Empowerment Ethics”. Dan also teaches affordable, non-matriculated, video-conferencing philosophy classes on ethics, Nietzsche, historical philosophy, and philosophy for atheists that anyone around the world can sign up for. (You can learn more about Dan’s online classes here.) Dan is an APPA  (American Philosophical Practitioners Association) certified philosophical counselor who offers philosophical advice services to help people work through the philosophical aspects of their practical problems or to work out their views on philosophical issues. (You can read examples of Dan’s advice here.) Through his blogging, his online teaching, and his philosophical advice services each, Dan specializes in helping people who have recently left a religious tradition work out their constructive answers to questions of ethics, metaphysics, the meaning of life, etc. as part of their process of radical worldview change.

  • laurentweppe

    Tell me about it: when they elected a pederast as mayor of Paris, we started to see them starting to openly ask young men from good families out and even shoping for grocery by pair, showing to everyone their disgusting matrimony.

    Don’t laugh: this is what actual biggots said when Delanoë was elected Mayor of Paris… On second thoughs, do laugh

  • Bryan

    Something about “clambering at the gates of matrimony” cracked me up something fierce. Oh, the Onion, I love you.

  • peicurmudgeon

    It’s been happening for years here in Canada. There is hardly a single heterosexual marriage left intact.

  • ed

    Cracks me up. As if heterosexuals (myself included) have done such a good job protecting marriage (myself, as I have been divorced).

  • F

    Cleveland? Does this mean that the lesbians four doors down are going to raid my place? Maybe it’s time to exchange baked goods again. That might stave off the – what was it they were doing again?

  • ‘Tis Himself, OM.

    I’m ready to face the gay hordes coming to destroy my marriage. As someone probably famous said: “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender!”

    Now please excuse me while I have a cup of cocoa and a bit of rest. Being vigilant is exhausting.

  • dust

    Thanks to the fearless and exhaustive reporting by the brave journalists at The Onion, we now know just how truly frightening and perverse “THE GAY AGENDA” really is!

    Hold me mommy, I’m scared!

  • timgueguen

    So, which right wing Christian will be the first to let his flock know about this frightening development?

  • ohioobserver

    I guess I’m just not that attractive, My marriage is still intact and (as far as I know) unmolested. Oh, it IS hetero, BTW.

  • billdaniels

    When gay marriages become mandatory, can I have Matt Bomer from White Collar?

  • otrame

    “Richard Dickson of Ames, Iowa. We’re coming for you next. Put on something nice.”

    I’ve been giggling about this all day, sometimes at very inappropriate moments.

  • quincyme

    OMG!! Is this actualy hapening in the US? I hope is it donsnt come to britan.

  • OzarkHillbilly

    Yep, yep, yeppers! Ya’lls a-gonna know I’m a-comin’ when’s ya hears the banjo playin…

  • Bret

    I feel threatened by it. I know my wife could never find a better man than me, but I’m fairly sure she could find a better woman than I am. How can I compete with that?