All The Worst Anti-Atheist Chain E-mails Amalgamated Into One

A cathartic satire. I need to remember to have this on hand for the next time someone sends me an e-mail with any of these ridiculous apocryphal stories.


It is unclear whether all the readers are familiar with the ubiquitous chain e-mails that this is parodying.

So here they are:
Atheist Professor vs. Chalk.
Atheist Professor vs. Marine
Atheist Professor vs. Einstein (if you scroll down, this one also has the marine story and an especially nasty and hyperbolically silly variation involving a Navy SEAL.)

For a bonus, here is a fun cartoon on the chalk story.

About Daniel Fincke

Dr. Daniel Fincke  has his PhD in philosophy from Fordham University and spent 11 years teaching in college classrooms. He wrote his dissertation on Ethics and the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. On Camels With Hammers, the careful philosophy blog he writes for a popular audience, Dan argues for atheism and develops a humanistic ethical theory he calls “Empowerment Ethics”. Dan also teaches affordable, non-matriculated, video-conferencing philosophy classes on ethics, Nietzsche, historical philosophy, and philosophy for atheists that anyone around the world can sign up for. (You can learn more about Dan’s online classes here.) Dan is an APPA  (American Philosophical Practitioners Association) certified philosophical counselor who offers philosophical advice services to help people work through the philosophical aspects of their practical problems or to work out their views on philosophical issues. (You can read examples of Dan’s advice here.) Through his blogging, his online teaching, and his philosophical advice services each, Dan specializes in helping people who have recently left a religious tradition work out their constructive answers to questions of ethics, metaphysics, the meaning of life, etc. as part of their process of radical worldview change.

  • jarrah

    Well that was even more retarded than the original one. And 1500 tours? Assuming a short 3 month tour that’s 375 years on duty. That SEAL seems to be following in the footsteps of Abraham, you know, that character who wasn’t killed off for about 700 years.

    • J. J. Ramsey

      Well that was even more retarded than the original one.


      And 1500 tours? Assuming a short 3 month tour that’s 375 years on duty.

      Which fits pretty well with the hyperbole in the rest of the story.

  • RobMcCune

    They left out the most important part.

    p.p.s. That ex-SEAL was EINSTEIN. AND that professor was HITLER!!!!

  • Laurent Weppe

    Allow me to propose a variation:

    The professor was visibly shaken, dropped his chalk and copy of Origins of the Species, and died of laughter, right before the petrified students. Thus was done God’s will throught His gift of non-sensical invonlontary humor.

  • Highlander

    I don’t even know where to begin with what is wrong with this…whatever this is. It’s not a story – no plot, it’s not poetry – no rhyme, meter or imagery, it’s not an argument – no claims, support or point. Let’s just call it a steaming pile of something. No athiest would advocate the worship of Marx or any being for that matter. No soldier I’ve ever talked to supported whole heartedly every military decision ever made, it is a soldiers prerogative to gripe. Evolution works for living things, not rocks. Rocks have geologic processes. Semper Fi? That’s the marine corp motto, not the Navy motto (there is no Navy Motto). I guess the Navy isn’t too proud to borrow the one from the guys who hitchhike on their ships (NOT!). P.P.S Einstein was a German Jew (non-observant).

  • blotzphoto

    Dan, do you have a link to one of the originals? I think a lot of your readers are missing out on the joke.

  • me

    Hilarious. Thanks for that!

  • Blah

    Wow, that email seems to be a Tea Party wet dream.