Dear Schmugglepoo and Cutesy Bear,
If you regularly are so filled with joy and love for each other that you need to ecstatically announce it to all of Facebook, then by all means go right ahead. I care about you and if what you care about most in the world is each other and you want to effuse on and on about that, then that’s great. I sure know how hard it is to find and sustain that kind of intensity and mutual infatuation. With all the loveless singles and couples suffering out there, it’s just so good to see so much unabashed love in your relationship. And I know what this means to you, Schmugglepoo. I know how many years you were lonely and how many disappointments you suffered along the way. Remember when you went out with PoutyPants? You poured so much love down into that bottomless hole that was PoutyPants’s self-esteem, only to wind up unappreciated and bewildered and insecure. It warms my heart to see how exuberant you are when you describe how Cutesy Bear treats you. I’m relieved you found someone who finally appreciates your gigantic heart and has one big enough to match it. I love seeing all your photos as you document your happiness for posterity. The years pass so quickly, and so much changes so fast, it’s great you’re going to have a huge record to remember it all with down through the years.
Now, I know some people have been giving you flak, telling you you’re narcissists who are trying to make lonely people feel jealous. Fuck that. That’s their selfishness and immaturity speaking. Sure, there’s a lot of times I wish I had the kind of love you have in my life and sometimes seeing your posts makes me think about that. But why in the world would I not want you to have and express your love while you can. My happiness won’t increase with yours diminished or downplayed. Not everything is about me. And even from my perspective, I want to see you guys happy, not indulge feelings of resentment. I am not in a million years going to shame you into walking on eggshells around me. Why in the world would I do those things to people I care about? If you want to shout your happiness from the rooftops, by all means shout. So long as you’re happy.
“This is like heaven, Cutesy Bear.”
“I know, Schmugglepoo, I was thinking the same thing. It couldn’t get any better.”
“That’s almost right. But it could get better.”
“Really? How so, Schmugglepoo?”
“I think if only we announce how much we love each other on Facebook we could exacerbate our friend Dan’s loneliness and envy so badly that, gushing tears, he miserably drinks himself into oblivion and, sleeping in his own vomit, has nightmares about us fucking nonstop for eternity on his bed, eating Doritos, while he lives a life of lovelessness and unwilling celibacy and no Doritos.”
“Wow, you’re right, Schmugglepoo! It’s our friend Dan’s despair that is all that’s needed in order to make our ecstasy complete! Let’s log in and rub our love in our friend Dan’s pitiful face!”
Please! You’re not trying to hurt anyone. Jealousy is jealous people’s problem, not yours. Enjoy your joy. It’s actually infectious.